Wrong Way Up

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Jayce and I keep up steadily texting back and forth for a few weeks after his visit to the bar. Unfortunately, I still do not have a lot of time, but I have found a few times to go and see him. I keep thinking that eventually the sex will get dull or lose the spark that seems to consume us, but it does not happen. Each time is a little different, exciting, and new. I have gotten comfortable with our situation, and sometimes I am the aggressor now. At times we spend the whole time humping each other, other times we cuddle and talk afterwards. Feelings are definitely forming, for both of us; at least I think they are. Even on nights that we do not get to see each other we text or call. He still sends me music when I need it most, often times I play it when I am closing up the bar.

Christmas is not the same this year for anyone in the house. The church adopted the kids for Christmas and their gifts are wrapped under the tree. No matter how hard the kids and I try, no one seems to be in the Christmas spirit. This year we are utterly alone. There are no big parties that we will attend, and no one comes to visit. I miss my family very much, and I wish I had the money to take the kids back to them. I try to stay positive during this time. There is a roof over our heads, I have managed to keep the lights on, and the kids have gifts. I remind myself that I am better off than some people. I do feel a little lucky in the fact that I do not have to work on Christmas day. The bar is shut down, and it is not my rotation day at the care center. A part of me wanted to invite Jayce over that night, but I was getting more and more unsure of where we stood.

Jayce and I talked a lot. We got along well, but anytime I would ask him something personal about his own life he shut down. I still did not know where he worked, or what he did in his free time. I do not know his friends, and he does not talk about them. He barely talks about his family, and other than the fact that he has daughters I do not know anything else about his family. Hell, I still do not even know which trailer is his in the park. It makes me wonder if I am reading all the signs wrong. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind.

I do not get to see Jayce before Christmas day arrives. The kids are excited to open their presents and their cheer helps get me into the Christmas spirit. Before I know it, we have Christmas songs on the radio, and we are dancing around in the living room covered in their discarded wrapping paper. They like the stuff that the church got them, and I am grateful. I prep the dinner up and we decide to watch holiday movies and drink hot cocoa. I feel a pang of homesickness as I am heating up the milk on the stove for the cocoa. I shake my head hoping to get rid of any depressive thoughts today. The kids deserve a day of happiness, and it is getting rare that I get a whole day with them.

We laugh and watch holiday movies all day long. I love cuddling the kids on the couch as we watch some classic movies, and some newer ones. Soon it is dinner time, and I even surprised myself with how well everything turned out. The kids and I enjoy our little feast and decide to do another batch of hot cocoa with one more movie. As I am getting the cocoa ready my phone pings and I see that it is Jayce. He wishes me a Merry Christmas and I return the sentiment. We spend a few minutes asking about each other’s day and how it went. He asks if I can sneak away later, but I tell him that I do not want to leave the kids tonight. They deserve an entire night of just me. I assumed as a father himself he would understand.

I spend the rest of the night watching movies with the kids and laughing. We needed this time. They have been experiencing as much stress as I have. I miss Jayce, but my children come first. The kids and I stay up so late that we all end up crashing in the living room. I wake up early the next morning to get ready for work and laugh a little at the arms and legs strewn about everywhere.

Work goes quickly and I am thankful for that. I send Jayce a quick message on lunch telling him I was sorry for not being able to come over. He says that he understands but I feel a touch of coldness in his reply. I chalk it up to my own anxiety reading too much into a text message.

The weeks following Christmas are busy, and I do not get to see Jayce. I miss him a lot. Our text messages are becoming fewer and farther between times. A part of me wonders if he has not found a new plaything to be with. I cannot blame him if he did, I work too much to be there. I finally get a day off and text him asking to come over. He replies almost instantly agreeing.

That night I spent almost three hours with Jayce. He was very sensual. We shared long drawn out kisses, like we were trying to memorize each other’s bodies. We did not rush anything, and I loved the way his hands moved over me, kneading my breasts, and teasing my nipples. We explored different positions, but he never thrust into me like he was in a hurry. It was in a way romantic, passionate, and sensual all wrapped up into one. After we were done, we cuddled but we did not really talk. I wished that I could have stayed the night with him, even if it meant sleeping on the bathroom floor. I liked Jayce, and I liked feeling his arms around me. Finally, we both knew that we had to leave. As usual Jayce walked me to the car and kissed me goodbye.

The next day I had to work at the bar. I was surprised at how busy we were on a weeknight. Tips were great that night, and I even celebrated with a beer when we got closer to time to shut down. Perhaps it was the liquid courage, or maybe it was the combination of feeling good and making good money, but I decided to text Jayce and tell him how I felt. I wrote out the text several times and deleted it before sending it. I was scared of how he was going to react. Finally, I sent him this message:

Hey Jayce look I know that you said that you were not looking for a relationship, but I have feelings for you. I like the way we get along, and to be honest I love the sex. I would really like to see if we could make things work out between us. What do you think?

My hands were shaking as I hit the send button. I was not used to being the person that admitted to feelings first. A thousand doubts sprung into my mind. What if Jayce did not feel the same way? Did I just ruin the best thing I have had in a long time? I decide not to dwell on it and instead wait for an answer. Jayce had not replied by the time we closed up, I was hoping that he was asleep and that I did not scare him off. I worried about it as I laid down to go to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to get ready for work and grabbed my phone, hoping that Jayce had texted me back. I was a little disappointed to see that he had not. I shrugged off my doubt as I got ready and headed into work. By that night I still had not heard from Jayce. I had a nagging suspicion that I had scared him off. I tried sending a text telling him that I was a little tipsy and meant it as a joke. I was hoping that this would prompt an answer, but still Jayce did not text back.

I let another two days go by before I texted Jayce again. This time I flat out asked if I could come see him. I paced the dining room for over an hour, praying that he would reply. My phone stayed silent. I knew that I had messed up and messed up bad. Jayce had said from the beginning that he was only looking for sex and I tried to lock him into a relationship. I could not stop the tears that flowed that night as I tried to sleep.

Three weeks go by and I still have not heard from Jayce. He never messaged back once. I even tried calling him, but it went straight to voicemail. I screwed up one of the best things I had going for me. Even though I did not get to see him that much recently, I missed Jayce a lot. I learned that the term was called ghosting. I felt it was an appropriate term for our relationship, because now Jayce was just another ghost in my head and heart.

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