Scared of Me
My sleep was sporadic and when I woke this morning, I almost started to panic again. I felt trapped in my bed, like my arms and legs were tied down and there was no way out. It took everything I had to try and calm myself down long enough to focus on my right arm. I took a deep breath and willed my brain to make my right arm move. I have never had to conscientiously make any part of my body move before, but here I am, staring at my right arm and telling it to move. Oh, thank God, I exhaled, I can lift my arm up off the bed and bend it slightly. Hesitation stops me from turning to my left arm, and my stomach begins to churn.
Thoughts of my left side not moving start to flood my mind and my breathing picks up again. I feel like my whole body is shaking inside, even though I can see it isn’t. Just as I was about to yell for help, Charlotte walks in.
“Good morning Levi”, she says with a perfectly calm voice.
Her smile is so genuine, it lights up her beautiful face. I start to release some of the panic that was building inside me from just her presence here. How does she do that?
She must have caught my panic-stricken face when she entered the room because she picks up her pace as she makes her way over to me.
“Are you ok? are you in any pain?’, she asks me.
" I... I didn’t sleep well”, I respond.
“I brought you your breakfast! Emma called to say she’s coming in early, so I thought she could help you this morning?“, her thoughtful multi-colored eyes are peering into mine, waiting for me to say something.
“Thank you”, is all I muster.
Charlotte sets up the food tray in front of me and says, “I will be back a little later, I have a few other people I have to see this morning”.
And like a paranoid idiot, I nearly whisper, “when do you think you will be back?”
My chest feels tight and my voice is shaky. I know I must look desperate, but I need her to stay, I need the calm feeling she brings into my room.
She gently places her hand on my right shoulder and her reassuring words lightly flow from her mouth, “I promise I will see you again by lunch time”.
I watch Charlotte start to leave my room only to hear her voice again, this time she is speaking to Emma right outside my door.
Why is Emma just standing at my door? how long has she been standing there?
Emma slowly walks in, assessing her surroundings, eying me up and down. Charlotte is guiding her further into my room. She is walking too slow, like she is afraid of something. I am happy she is here, but I do not like seeing her like this, I need to break her solemn mood.
I reach my right hand up towards her and show her a brave smile, “Hey baby, I’m glad you’re here, did you sleep well?“, I ask her.
“Come sit here next to me”, I instruct.
She instantly starts smiling and makes her way over to me. Curiosity sweeps over her face as she looks at my breakfast tray.
“These are very odd utensils”, she says to me.
I try to tell her that they are shaped that way so it’s easier for her to help me eat, but she instantly jerks back in her chair and yelps, “what?“.
My heart instantly breaks, the pain in my chest returns and I put my head down, unable to look at her and sigh, “well that’s only if you want to help me eat”.
Thankfully, Charlotte hangs around a little longer and shows Emma how to help me with my breakfast. After Emma feels somewhat comfortable helping me, Charlotte leaves the room.
I am pleased Emma is here helping me, but I can’t help feeling like she was forced to. I know she must be nervous and doesn’t know how to act around me right now. I just want to wrap my arms tightly around her and tell her everything will be alright, or better yet, I want her to wrap her arms around me and let me know she is here for me no matter what. But she barely touches me or looks at me and all I can feel is hurt and anger radiating from me, as we spend the next 30 agonizing minutes eating breakfast.
Nate walks into the room and saves us from emotionally hurting each other any further and lets us know he is doing my first therapy treatment today. Emma hesitantly offers to help Nate do therapy to my right arm.
At least she is trying to be supportive at the moment. She still looks scared as shit, but I give her credit for trying.
I try to help her as much as I can with my right arm as she copies everything Nate is doing with my left arm. All I feel is that irritating pins and needles feeling you get after your arm falls asleep, as Nate massages my left arm. Not only is the feeling aggravating me, but the fact that my left arm is totally ignoring me when I try to lift it, is causing my anger to boil inside me again. So, I focus on Emma instead. Her beautiful face is completely engaged in what she’s doing to me right now. Her bright blue eyes looking at Nate then to me waiting for approval.
Nate breaks the silence again and starts asking questions about our new movie. Emma’s face lights up as she gladly answers all his questions and then some. I chime in now and then, as long as this keeps Emma’s happy mood going.
Nate’s next grasp startles me, “What the fuck Nate!”
What the fuck is he doing? He has got his hands up near my groin now, and I am caught off guard with pure embarrassment. Emma is doing the same thing to my right thigh and she looks as mortified as I do, I am sure. I want to plant my fist into Nate’s jaw, but I do not want to scare Emma more than she already is. Plus, I cannot get myself to physically punch him anyway and it makes me furious. So, I decide to silently glare at him instead. Nate quickly notices my mood and picks up the pace as he moves towards massaging my lower leg, ankle and foot, Emma doing the same to my right. Finally, things get a little less disturbing as Nate focuses on bending my knee and moving my ankle, concluding the treatment.
“Are we done?“, my voice harsh as I narrow my eyes towards Nate.
“Not yet, we have a few more things to take care of before we get you up into a wheelchair.“, Nate adds.
Fuuuuck...I exaggerate in my head as Nate ends therapy and abruptly tells us he is going to toilet me now. Emma’s eyes almost pop out of her perfect face. I know she cannot handle this shit, hell, I cannot handle it either. It is not like I have any other choice though.
Emma leaves the room. She either thinks she is giving me privacy, or she is completely mortified by the fact I cannot take a piss in the bathroom on my own. Either way, it is probably better she leaves, I am sure she needs a break from all of this. I want her to stay though, I want her to sit on the bed with me and wrap her arm around me.... kiss me.
Why did this fucking happen!