Anger... that is all I feel right now. I am angry with Emma for leaving me here alone, angry with myself for being so drunk that I stupidly walked into the middle of the road, angry I am here in this place and I am completely useless.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was so frustrated after Emma called me yesterday that I took it out on everyone who tried to help me. Charlotte wasn’t here to calm me down, and I want to feel guilty for being mad at her too, but I can’t shake this angry feeling boiling inside me.
I’m hungry, but I feel like I might be sick if I eat anything, and my head is throbbing... I think I’m going to lose it!
Where the hell is Nate? I should be up in my chair by now, I just want to wheel myself out of this place.
My body feels so tense, I’m agitated, and my limbs stiffen up every time I try to move them.
Nate and Sarah appear in my room without the Hoyer lift I notice. Great... what are they going to do to me now I wonder, I’m not in the mood for any of this, and Sarah is not in her normally chipper mood, she looks nervous... I don’t like it.
“We are going to get you to sit on the side of your bed for a bit this morning and then transfer you into your chair”, Nate assertively states.
" Where is the lift?“, I ask him
” No lift”, he replies
“What! No... no, I’m not ready for that”, I state harshly.
“Yes, you are ready, and we are going to help you “, he argues back.
My body once again goes rigid as they both grab a side of me to sit me up. My heart is ready to pounce out of my chest and I lose my breath when I feel Nate grab my legs and swing them over the side of the bed, Sarah guiding my upper body.
“Put me down!”, I frantically demand.
“Put me down now! I yell louder.
I don’t have any control of my upper body, it feels limp. I hate this sensation. Sarah is pressing one hand to my upper chest and one to my back trying to hold me straight. I will surely fall if she lets go. I am sitting on the side of my bed, but it doesn’t feel like it, and I’m terrified.
“Please lay me back down”, I plead.
My whole body is shaking uncontrollably now. I can’t breathe I try to tell them but can’t. I am having a full-blown panic attack.
All the sudden I feel someone get up onto my bed behind me.
“Levi”, a concerned voice speaks. ...It’s Charlotte.
I am shaking so bad now, I can’t stop it, I can’t speak. Charlotte will lay me back down; I know she will.
But I’m wrong, she is not laying me back down... ugh! No one here is on my side, can’t they see I am terrified!
A second later, Charlotte’s touch sends an indescribable feeling throughout my body and I stop breathing. She is kneeling behind me pressing her body against my back then reaches over me to grab both of my arms with hers, firmly bringing them up to rest against my chest and gives me a bear hug.
“Just breathe”, she softly says, her face close to my ear...“Just breathe with me”.
Charlotte keeps a firm hold around me. I can smell the sweet scent of her vanilla shampoo, her face and hair touching my neck. My breathing returns and slows down to almost normal and she waits, her arms still wrapped around me until I stop shaking.
When she starts to release me from her hold, I almost start to panic again, but somehow, I remain calm.
” I’m going to help you sit up now”, she says softly.
“No! please”, I beg her, feeling completely vulnerable now and I have actual tears pouring down my cheeks.
" Don’t panic, please! I’ve got you, I promise”, she quietly adds while wiping my tears with her fingers.
She slowly brings herself to the side of me while lifting my left arm and placing it around the back of her neck and sits beside me. Her right arm is around my mid back holding me up while her left hand is on my chest, and we just sit there.
Nate and Sarah have not said a word during this whole ordeal. They’re just staring at Charlotte and I, mouths hanging open like their jaws might hit the floor.
“It’s ok guys, I’ve got this”, Charlotte says to them. Then tells them she will call them if we need anything.
She sits with me holding me steady on the edge of the bed for a while, letting me stay silent. I cannot help but look at her, her multi-color eyes, her face, so pure. The way she looks back at me makes me believe that she genuinely cares about me. But she can’t really, this is her job, right? I think to myself.
Nate left my chair and what Charlotte calls a sliding board close to my bed. She slowly gets up, bringing my arms to grasp both of her shoulders as she stands in front of me.
“I’ve got you”, she reminds me and places her arms under my arm pits and wraps them around my upper back.
I wrap my arms around the back of her neck, and she lifts me onto the slide board and guides me into my chair then adjusts my legs.
I don’t have the words to tell her how I feel right now. I appreciate everything she has done for me and I hope when she looks at me, she can see how thankful I am. Thankful that at this very moment I’m not going to panic.
" Emma isn’t coming again this weekend”, I manage to speak.
“I know, I’m sorry” she says back, acknowledging my hurt.
She grabs my hand and says, ” I’ll tell you what... how about we spend this weekend working on your core and your arm strength, so that if Emma shows up on Monday you can show her how you can sit up, along with all of your other accomplishments so far?”
" That sounds great!” I tell her. ” Thank you, Charlotte”.