This Is Love
My emotions are boiling up under my skin. I know she loves me; she says she loves me, but everything else she says is confusing as hell. Sitting here quiet on the blanket is not helping either, it’s making my anxiety worse.
“We should get back”, she says, lifting her head from my shoulder and standing herself up.
Leave it to my panicked mind to cause an excruciating spasm in my left leg when I try to stand. Charlotte sees me shift uncomfortably on the blanket, clenching my fists and wincing and brings herself back down beside me.
“I can’t get up”, I angrily groan.
She reaches for my leg, attempting to massage the pain away.
“Don’t!“, I say and move her hand away from me.
She does not say anything, she just remains by my side, watching me trying to fight through the pain.
“I’m sorry”, she softly says.
After I think that the spasms are over, I get myself to stand while Charlotte folds up the blanket. I reach to take her hand for our walk back, but another spasm sends shooting pains down my leg again. This time Charlotte grabs my arm and brings it around her shoulder and her other arm holds the back of my waist for support. I let her help me even though I don’t want her to have to hold me up while we walk.
Our walk back is slow and painful. We had to stop when my next spasm got so bad that I pulled her to face me and put my forehead down on to her head while her arms clutched tightly around my back.
“Levi, breathe”, she says while rubbing my back. “I am right here with you”, she softly adds.
I cling to her warmth, her touch, and maybe that is all I needed for her to do and say to make everything better.
My spasms disappeared by the time we reached the jeep. She instructed me to the passenger side so she could drive. There was no argument about it, only a feeling of shame.
Our drive back was strange. I felt comfort in the fact that Charlotte held my hand the entire ride, but my mind thought I was on a racetrack.
I broke the silence first.
“I am happy staying here with you. I realized my life wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be until I met you. Nothing was real, not my fiancé, not my job. I will not be happy there”.
“You don’t know that you won’t be happy until you go and try”, she says, squeezing my hand.
She is acting so unusual. All I want is for her to tell me to stay. I feel my eyes well up. I can’t be mad at her, I love her.
She parks the jeep at her apartment and makes her way to my side of the car to try and help me.
“No, I am fine now, thanks”, I lie.
I’ve been having very mild but continuous spasms for the last half of the drive here, but I’m not going to let her notice, so I get myself out of the jeep and slowly walk behind her to the apartment.
“I’m going to take a shower”, I grunt once we get inside.
Standing in the hot shower, allowing the water to massage my neck, and back is relaxing. I lean my head back on the shower wall while the water flows down my face and try to clear all uneasiness from my mind. I focus on the good from today. Walking with my beautiful girl by my side, treading along the rocks, holding her hand. Visions of her angelic face flood my mind. Just when I feel some peacefulness, my left leg gives out from under me and I slip down to the shower floor.
“Shit!“, I yell out.
I reach for the shower chair and pull myself onto it seconds before Charlotte frantically bursts through the bathroom door.
“Are you alright?“, she searches all around.
I remain sitting on the shower chair, my head in my hands sulking.
“I’m fine”, I mutter back.
My head must have rested in my hands for longer than I thought, because I only lifted my head up when I felt Charlotte’s hands pull mine away from my face. Were my eyes deceiving me? Is this my love, my rock, my protector standing naked in front of me, showing me once again that I am not alone?
When my eyes met hers, I didn’t see stars, I saw galaxies. When she held my face in her hands, it felt like she was untying all my knots, and when she grazed my bottom lip with her fingers before capturing my lips with hers, it made the whole world stop.
She climbed onto my lap, her smooth thighs around mine while placing her familiar arms around my back, her fingers tickling down my spine. She has captivated my mind, and my body presses closer into hers until there is no space left between us. We kiss slowly at first and then passionately, letting the hot water pour over our bodies. When she reaches down and guides me into her, an intoxicating feeling causes my body to shiver in absolute pleasure and ecstasy. It is love that we make, a love that makes me so complete, I can’t bear to lose it.
I close my eyes, my body shaking from giving ourselves to each other. I feel her run her fingers through my hair and tenderly kiss my lips again.
“I love you”, she purrs into my ear and brushes her lips near the crook of my neck.
I fold her back into my arms and we are locked in an embrace till the water ran cold.
“Can you stand and walk?“, she asks concerned.
I kiss her one last time and affirm with a smile, “Yes, I can, our shower sessions always make everything better”.
Realizing after hearing our stomach’s growl that we haven’t eaten dinner yet, we change into some lounge clothes and head to the kitchen to make something to eat.
I help her in the kitchen, which is something I have come to enjoy now with my newfound walking skills, plus I like being the one to help Charlotte too. We gulped down our food in no time then planted ourselves onto the couch.
She snuggled her body next to mine while we lay together with my back leaning up against the cushions.
Holding her in my arms is what keeps me sane. She has my heart, a part of me that I will never again give to anyone else. I comb my fingers through her damp hair and glide my thumb down the warm skin of her cheek.
I will give it a try. I will go back to England and give this new acting job a go if that will make everyone happy. I know things will be different for a little while, which makes me hesitant and scared. Charlotte believes I might find happiness, but she is the reason I have already found it. I may be all the way across the Atlantic, but my heart will always remain here with her.