Losing My Religion
I spent most of Saturday locked in my bedroom, only coming out for food and bathroom breaks and only if I knew I could pass through the house unnoticed. The last thing I needed was for Bridget or Dad to see me with my red, puffy eyes and mass of messy hair and be asking questions.
I reasoned with myself that I had done the right thing, it was for the best that we ended it now, before things went deeper. Take the minuscule amount of pain now to prevent the Earth shattering amount of pain in the long run. It was easier this way for everyone.
This wasn’t my first time, I knew this process well, I knew that there was going to be an adjustment period, this would be made harder by the fact that Sam and I were bound to run into each other at some point, we went to the same school and had the same of group of friends, it was unavoidable. It’s so much easier to cut and run when you know you never have to face that person ever again.
I was so angry at Sam, why did he have to destroy everything by falling in love with me? Everything was perfect until he said those three words. He claimed to know me but he really knew nothing about me because if he did then he would realise that I had allowed love to consume me once, it had crawled inside and attached itself to my heart and then proceeded to break me, taking my trust down with it. I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable ever again.
Bridget would often ask me if I was lonely, living my life this way and I would explain to her that it was safer, if I never allowed anyone to get close then they never had a chance to destroy me. Bridget was the only person who understood me, she had helped me put the pieces of my life back together after Lucas. Kate tried for years to set me up with friends she thought I had ‘potential’ with, she believes that being single is a disease that she can cure.
By Sunday I felt like a bird trapped in a cage of my own creation. I needed to get out. I drove to the lake to take a walk and I was confronted by couples everywhere, their happy, shinny faces mocking me.
I decided to call Kate, hoping she could distract me.
“Hey Roni, can’t talk for too long, Alex is on his way over for our date” She answered, pulling me down further. Can’t I just have one person in my life who is single?
“A Sunday date?” I asked her, Sunday was Kate’s day to do all the homework she had avoided all weekend.
“I made an exception considering that it is Valentine’s Day” She laughed, “Gotta go, sorry, Alex just arrived and I have to save him from the Breeders or they will trick us into babysitting the herd so they can go out today.” The line goes dead and once again I’m left alone with my thoughts.
How had I not even realised that it was Valentine’s Day? Was I that disassociated with love that I blocked out its own bullshit holiday? Stupid, smug couples, I wanted to scream at every girl who walked in front of me, hand in hand, smiling up stupidly, ‘He’s going to break your heart, he’s going to cheat on you and leave you with scars that will never heal’ but instead I would smile back at them as I made my way back to my car.
I didn’t want to go back home, I didn’t want to risk running into Bridget and Amber, just because I avoided love doesn’t mean I didn’t want Bridget to enjoy her first. She deserved to be happy and I knew my mood would put a downer on that.
I drove around Claremont, searching for something that would take my mind off everything. I pulled into the carpark of the movie complex we had visited a week earlier. I knew this place had the potential to be flooded with smug couples but I was banking on the fact that none of them would want to watch a horror movie on Valentine’s Day.
I bought a ticket for The Blair Witch Project and and walked into the almost empty cinema with a small popcorn and soft drink in my hands. This was exactly what I needed, something else to concentrate on.
Unfortunately though the movie didn’t distract me. I thought about Sam the whole time, I wondered if he had realised today was Valentine’s Day, he hadn’t mentioned it at all. Maybe he didn’t keep track of such trivial days.
I drove home in silence, avoiding the sappy love song dedications that the radio was spewing out. Pulling into my driveway I see the familiar black truck parked on the curb outside my house. I contemplated just staying inside my car but it was a scorching, hot, February day and my car’s air conditioner was as weak as a soft breeze.
Time to face the music Veronica, I thought as I opened the front door, stepping inside of my house that felt like an ice box compared to outside. I walked through to the living room and saw Bridget sitting with Sam on our lounge, her hand over his. They both looked up at me as I entered the room, Bridget’s eyes filled with disgust at just the sight of me. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. Sitting on the coffee table in front of them was a bunch of beautiful white roses, displayed perfectly in our glass vase. I looked at the roses and then back at Sam, taking in his sad, broken face.
“I’ll leave you to it” Bridget said to him, walking past me, giving me her most fierce, dirty look.
“I ordered them before Friday” Sam speaks first, nodding to the roses, “They were always meant to be for you and I didn’t want to just throw them away, even though you threw me away”
“Sam I...” I begin to say but he cuts me off.
“Don’t, just spare me some bullshit excuse Veronica. I spent all of yesterday just racking my brain, just trying to figure out where I went wrong with this, I thought I finally found the girl who was on the same page as I was but I should have known better, there’s only one guy you will ever love and it will never be me” He sounds so defeated, “I just don’t understand why you would sleep with me if you knew you could never love me”
“It’s not you Sam” I try to say, my words coming out as a whisper. I can feel the warm, salty tears falling freely from my eyes. I never wanted to hurt Sam, that was never my intention.
“It’s not me, it’s you? That old line” Sam scoffs
“It is me Sam, this is who I am, I don’t let anyone get close. You think you’re the first? You’re not. You’re just the first one who has been able to say those words to me, I’m usually gone long before that bomb is dropped but I didn’t see it coming with you, I was blind sighted” I explain, crossing my arms across my chest to hold myself together.
“I should have guessed it would always come back to Lucas, why am I not surprised? The guy was a fucking arsehole to you and you take him back every single time and a good guy like me gets punished for what he did, I pay the price for falling in love with you” He yells at me, making the tears fall harder, “If you had just given me a chance you would have seen that I am nothing like Lucas, I would never have hurt you. One day you’re going to realise that those walls you’ve built around yourself may have protected you from getting hurt but they also prevented you from ever being loved the way you deserved to be. I was willing to risk everything to be with you, I was risking my own friendship with my best friend, who probably will beat the shit out of me once he finds out and you weren’t even willing to give me a chance”
He storms past me, out of the house, I follow after him, I don’t know why, I can’t change anything, I’ve only made it worse really. He opens the door to the truck and looks back at me, his own eyes brimming with tears that threaten to fall.
“I think it’s best if you drive yourself to school from now on, I’ll still take Bridget but I just think it’s best if we don’t hang out anymore, it’s just too hard to be around you and know that you’ll never be mine” He says before climbing into the truck and speeding up the street. I fall to my knees on the driveway as the tears consume me, sobbing uncontrollably.
I had broken Sam all because Lucas had broken me.