Soundtrack To My Youth (book 1)

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Miss You Love

Monday morning I got ready for school as usual knowing the day wouldn’t be the same without Sam to talk to. Bridget and I ate our breakfast together in silence, she had taken to shutting me out after Sam had left yesterday. I’d give anything to have my 2020 Bridget here with me, she’d never ignore me, she’d know that I did this to spare myself the ultimate heartache but this Bridget lived in a sweet, sappy world where no one had ever hurt her, to her I was the enemy.

Bridget left with Sam and Kate before I had even finished getting ready. It took everything inside of me not to run out to the driveway when I heard the put of the truck pull up, instead I stayed inside my bedroom and tried my best to cover up the telltale signs that I had cried myself to sleep the night before.

By the time I arrived at school the carpark was completely full and I was forced to find a park in one of the streets nearby, which wouldn’t be so bad if it hadn’t been so hot already so by the time I finally got inside the school gates I was a sweaty mess.

I started to walk towards our table on the quad but stopped when I saw Sam, sitting with Bridget, soccer ball on his lap as he chatted. I scanned the area but couldn’t see Kate anywhere. I turned around and headed towards the library, knowing I could stay in there and read until the bell for roll call rang.

Oh crap, roll call, I hadn’t even considered all the places I was going to run into Sam at school, there really was no escape, we were in the same roll call as well as Maths and English, both classes that I had today.

I walked into roll call with my eyes cast to the ground, I didn’t want to see that pained look on Sam’s face again, knowing I was the cause of it. I grabbed a seat near the front of the classroom and stared out the window that looked out onto the quad, only moving to raise my hand once my name was called. The bell rang and I bolted as fast as I could from the room but I had English first period so it was like going from the frying pan and into the fire really.

I took my assigned seat in the middle. Mrs Sails, my English teacher didn’t like us changing seats. It wasn’t long before Sam entered the room, he took in where I was sitting and knew he couldn’t escape me either, he would have to sit beside me.

“Mrs Sails can I please move seats to that one in the corner, no one sits there” Sam asked our teacher.

“Sam if you move seats then everyone will want to move and it will anarchy. Please sit down in the seat you chose last year” Mrs Sails said dramatically, like Sam changing seats was the butterfly effect that would cause a tsunami in Japan. She was a great teacher but she was so over the top at times.

“Alright class, we’re going to continue our discussion of using metaphors in creative writing today” Mrs Sails addresses the class once everyone had arrived, “Can anyone give me a metaphor to describe...” She looks around the room until her eyes fall upon me, “Veronica” she says, smiling.

“Veronica is the sun, she’s hot” Darrin Peterson calls out from the back of the classroom, getting a cheer from the rest of the students, I blush and smile, turning around to look at him and he winks at me.

“Veronica is the sun, don’t get too close or you will end up burnt” Sam scoffs next to me, the classroom goes dead quiet.

“Sam Lions I will not tolerate bullying in my classroom” Mrs Sails chastises Sam, “apologise to Veronica”

“It’s ok, I deserved it” I tell her, feeling the all too familiar tears creeping up on me, “Can I be excused please?” I ask her, not waiting for an answer I run from the classroom and head to the closest bathroom, locking myself in the stall and breaking down into a puddle of tears.

I stayed locked in the toilet until I heard the bell for the end of first period, only returning to the classroom to collect my bag and binder that I had left behind.

“Veronica, do you want to talk about anything?” Mrs Sails asked me once the classroom was empty, “I may be old to you but I was once a teenager too and not so long ago mind you” She was only in her early 30s.

“I’ll be alright but thank you” I sniffle out.

“I thought you and Sam were friends, in fact I started to wonder in the past couple of weeks if you were more than friends actually.” Her words make me cry harder, “Oh, Veronica, I’m so sorry, I’ve just put my big foot in it. Well he’s not worth it sweetie, not if he’s going to turn on you like that”

“He was my friend and I destroyed everything, it’s all my fault” I confess to her.

“Nothing is ever destroyed forever Veronica, give him time and he will see that you are still his friend, his pride is just hurt right now and he can’t see it”

I nod my head and thank her, knowing it’s more than just his pride that I hurt and I may never be able to repair the damage I’d done.

I walked into my drama class just as Mr Thomas was about to close the door, apologising for my lateness and taking my spot on the floor next to Kate who eyed me cautiously. Mr Thomas had us break off into groups of two and discuss our ideas we had for our independent projects that we would have to present for our half yearly exam this year.

Kate and I wandered outside to sit on the grass not far from our drama room, it provided us privacy to talk without anyone, like Petra, listening in.

“Bridget said you were off sick today” Kate said, opening her workbook to make it look like we were taking notes

“Of course she did” I scoffed and Kate looked at me confused, “Bridget and Sam are freezing me out”

“Why?”

“Sam told me that he loves me and I ended it, whatever it was” I confess to her. She places her hand on my forehead and it’s my turn to give her the confused look.

“You don’t have a temperature so I know you’re not sick, just an idiot” She exclaims

“What? I thought you, of all people would be on my side here” I say, I can’t believe her.

“I am on your side hun, the only person not on your side is you Veronica, you’re your own worst enemy and you don’t even realise it” She smiles at me as she rips into me, “There are girls in this school who would kill to have Sam tell them that he loves them, that year 9 slut bomb from the swimming carnival would happily take your place”

“Her ex boyfriend probably didn’t cheat on her with half her class” I point out, “Making her never want to fall in love ever again”

“You’re an idiot” She repeats, laughing at me, “You went to the swimming carnival, we haven’t attended a swimming carnival since we were 14 but you did that because Sam asked you to”

“Yeah, because it was important to him”

“Exactly. You also attended not one but two of his soccer games and you made him a giant poster and cheered him on” She continues, telling me things I already know.

“What’s your point Kate?” I ask her.

“I think you already know the answer to that, it’s just locked away somewhere right now and your idiot brain wont allow you to realise it but when you do I want you to call me” She says, taking down notes in her workbook

I have no idea what she was going on about either.

I had Maths last period, I expected Sam to be sitting in a different seat but there he was, sitting in our usual spot. I contemplated changing seats myself but the classroom was already full. I took my seat next to him and opened my binder, pulling my Maths workbook from my bag.

“Class turn your workbooks to chapter 5, we’re working on trigonometry today” Mrs Summers instructed us. I groaned inwardly, I hated trig. Mrs Summers wrote the formula up on the blackboard and went through some of the equations from our workbook before leaving us to work independently.

“I’m sorry Veronica” Sam whispered beside me once the class had started working, “I never meant to hurt you, I felt terrible after you left English”

I look over at him, his head down, facing his workbook as he made his way through each equation.

“I deserved it, I hurt you” I whispered back, trying to hold back my tears this time.

“No you didn’t, I was being a jealous dick” He confesses

“Jealous of who?” I ask him

“Darrin” He says, looking up at me with those big, beautiful sad eyes.

“I don’t want Darrin” I tell him

“You don’t want me either” He says coldly

“Sam” I plead with him

“It’s alright Veronica” He tells me.

I missed my Sam, the Sam I would laugh and joke around with, the Sam who would kiss my hand and give me butterflies, the Sam who’d tickle me and make me squirm.

We didn’t speak for the rest of the period and when the bell rang to signify the end of the day Sam packed up quickly and left without a goodbye.

Kate was waiting outside my Maths classroom, she put her arm around me when she saw me.

“Can you drive me home? I don’t want to go with Sam and Bridget.” She asked, I know she was only asking because she didn’t want me to be alone and I appreciated her for it. We walked to where I’d parked my car on the street.

“Where were you this morning? When I arrived you weren’t at the table so I went to the library” I ask her, I’d also spent my lunch break in the library because Kate was in detention.

“School captain meeting this morning, Mr Scott thinks we should hold a dance” She explains. Kate and I loved school dances almost as much as we loved going clubbing every weekend after we both turned 18 so this certainly brightened my day slightly.

I dropped Kate home, passing Sam’s house on the way, his truck parked in the driveway which told me that Bridget would be home when I got there. I walked in and dumped my school bag in my room, changing out of my uniform and into my shorts and tee and then went looking for Dad to see if he needed help with dinner. I found him in the kitchen staring at a cookbook.

“Hey pumpkin” He greeted me, kissing my cheek, “How was school?”

“Blah” I tell him and he laughs.

“Such a wordsmith I’ve raised” He says, “You took your own car today? Why didn’t Bridget go with you?”

I’d tried to avoid bringing him into my drama, he was out on Sunday when Sam came around so I was lucky to avoid him finding out.

“We, ah, had a fight” I confess, “A pretty big one too”

“What about?” He pushes

“About Sam” I cringe just admitting it.

“Bridget and I had a pretty in-depth discussion on Thursday night about her sexuality so I know she’s not after your boyfriend” Dad says, grabbing ingredients from the cupboard above us and grabbing the electric frying pan.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He wants to be but I won’t let him. He told me he loves me” I unload on Dad, there’s no point in hiding it from him now, he’s bound to find out eventually.

“That bastard” He jokes, lightening the mood, “I know teenagers don’t really like hearing that their dad likes the boys in their life but I liked Sam, he’s a good kid and he’s been good for you but if you don’t feel that way about him then he will just have to accept it”

“I do feel something though” I confess, it was the first time I’d admitted it out loud and it caught both of us by surprise, “But he will hurt me”

“Says who?” Dad questions me

“It happened last time I let someone in, I fell in love and he destroyed me”

“Do you remember when you were around 5 and we took you to that farm that had those Shetland ponies?” He asks me.

“Ah yeah, I remember that brown one that threw me off and I cried” why was he reminding me of this?

“And then I tried to put you on the other pony and you screamed and kicked but still I placed you on the horse and then what happened?”

“I loved it and didn’t want to get off and you had to drag me away from that pony” his point clicking with me.

“Exactly, not every horse is going to kick you off but you had a bad experience your first go around and it frightened you, you got scared but you just needed to find the right pony” Dad says, ruffling my hair. I grabbed the cordless phone from its base.

“I need to call Kate before dinner, I need to tell her that I’m an idiot and that I’ve figured it out” I tell Dad, walking off to my bedroom.

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