“Liv! I’m so sorry.” he charged up to me taking me by surprise and threw his arms around my waist, dropping to his knees and resting his head against my stomach. “Please, let’s just stop all of this fighting.”
I could feel his whole body shaking against mine. His hands gripped onto me tightly, desperately needing me to anchor him down. His voice was broken and sounded thick with sadness. Passers by watched the display because it looked odd, some just shot us glances as they walked past. Others lingered around the parking lot just to watch. Everything felt far too invasive.
“Liam stand up, people are watching.” I could feel my cheeks heating up at his strange behavior and I tried to move his body upwards but he clung tighter.
His breathing was erratic and his words came out so fast it was hard to decipher what he was actually saying. His grip on me was tightening with every passing second, squeezing my organs together with a sense of severe urgency.
“Please Liv, lets just go and make up.” I couldn’t move, he held me captive in place and he expressed the direness of his pleading through the tone in his voice.
“Liam, let’s talk about this. Why are you acting like this, what happened?” I tried to reason with his irrational behavior, attempting to calm him and help him through his freak out.
“Nothing, please. Let’s just get out of here.” His silver eyes looked up to meet mine and I could see that he was riddled with fear. My heart broke for him and I didn’t even know why it was breaking.
“Liam...” I said softly, attempting to get him onto his feet again but failing miserably. “Why are you freaking out?”
“I’m not. I’m fine.” He said defensively, answering quickly like he had rehearsed those words over and over in his mind. Yet he was so far from fine I don’t think he knew what ‘fine’ was anymore.
I could hear whispering from nearby strangers. I turned to face them, stared at them through narrowed eyes until they got uncomfortable enough to leave. Liam was not willing to stand up so I was about to drop to my knees except his next words stopped me.
“Liv, lets fuck.” He said completely out of the blue.
My eyes widened, I’ve thought about those words on his lips a thousand times and I’ve thought about what would follow after them even more than a thousand. But none of the scenarios in my head went anything like this.
“Please Liv, lets just go fuck, forget everything.” He begged through my silence.
“And what about Reece?” I asked with an aggressive tone.
“What about her?” he said disinterestedly.
“Isn’t she your girlfriend now?” I didn’t want to know the answer to that.
“No, are you insane? I will explain everything... just... please Liv, I need this.”
“Then explain.” I was losing my temper with him. She's not his girlfriend, so what has been going on this past week? Was it all just a ploy to make me jealous? To hurt me?
“I didn’t... I wasn’t... I just...” He looked on the verge of tears, the fear was killing him. He couldn't talk, he couldn't think, he was falling apart before my eyes. “Reece wasn’t... she was... I feel nothing... I love you.” His poorly strung words didn't accumulate any explanation, we needed to properly talk about this but right now he was too far gone.
Liam was on his knees, clutching onto me with his dear life. Begging for me to make him forget something but I had no idea what. I felt the pressure to help him, even if it wasn’t in the best circumstances or mood. He could sense my reluctance, I could see that written all over his face. His eyes were clouded, lost to his demons and there was nothing but darkness coming from him. There was no reasoning with him, no talking things through. Not when he was in this state.
“Please Liv.” He said really quietly.
I knew if didn’t agree to this Liam would leave. He’d find another way to ‘forget.’ He might turn to Reece or some other random girl, he might get into fights and get badly hurt or return back to the path of substance abuse. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Okay.” I agreed, not feeling sure about myself.
Did I really want to be with Liam when he was in this scary state, so far lost to the darkness. Spiraling out of control right before my eyes and desperately clawing onto any source of distraction.
I have seen him like this. The way he treats girls in order to forget. Right now he can’t do intimacy, there’s no sweet talk or kisses, no build up or romance. There’s just him needing to chase his thoughts away and using me to do it. I knew what I was agreeing to and if it meant I helped ease some of his inner darkness I would agree again and again.
Liam stood up immediately, he grabbed my arm and walked me swiftly through the car park, taking us around the back of the diner next to two big silver trash cans. He said nothing to me, he just unhooked the button to his jeans and pulled down his zipper. I stood awkwardly leaning against a brick wall, doubting my decision to agree to this.
“Take off your underwear.” He said through gritted teeth.
There was no desire or passion in his eyes, just a blank, soulless expression that was both cold and calculating. He felt like a stranger. But I reached under my dress and slipped my panties off, he took them from me and placed them inside his pocket. Then he hoisted my body up to straddle his hips, wedging me against him and the rough brick wall.
He didn’t give me a chance to think about it or react to it before he pushed himself inside of me, grunting as he made his entrance. I bit down on my lip as the motion caught my breath. In this position he felt too big for the tightness of me and it was uncomfortable. His hips moved backwards and forwards in deep, fast thrusts and the whole of my lower body stung.
“Liam, that’s too fast.” I said through a pained voice.
He ignored me or didn’t hear me either way he kept going.
In out. In out.
My back rubbed against the rough brick and shards of concrete stuck into my skin as he pushed me up harder against the wall. My lower body burnt and stung, he didn’t give me any form of foreplay or intimacy. He just threw his body in and out of me like I was an object he planned to use and throw away. I was dry and tense, I wasn’t ready for this.
“Liam go slower, it hurts.” I warned, louder this time with more force behind my voice.
I felt the heat of my lower regions as he stretched me out, like I was tearing into two.
In out. In out. In out.
The stench of rubbish wafted my way and I’m pretty sure I could see a rat running from bin to bin out of the corner of my eye, or maybe I was just imagining that. Liam was pounding me like an emotionless robot, taking everything for himself. He was throwing his fear into me, he was lost and this time I don’t think I was enough to bring him back home. My insides felt so raw and painful.
“Stop.” I said pushing my hands against his chest.
Liam stopped immediately, he stayed completely still and looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Like only now he was realizing I was actually present during this horrible encounter.
“What?” He asked shyly with cheeks brightening before my eyes.
“I said stop.” I spoke through gritted teeth and a stern face that made him question everything.
Liam pulled himself out of me and lowered me down gently so I was standing on my own two feet. Sheepishly he backed away with guilt joining the list of other emotions written on his face. He grabbed his lip between his thumb and index finger and toyed with it. I straightened my skirt out, pulling it down a little lower since he kept my underwear prisoner inside his jacket.
“I gotta go.”
And then he did.
He left me by the bins at the back of the diner, sore and panty-less.
He didn’t apologize, he didn’t explain himself, he just left.