I didn’t press Liam to talk so he just stared blankly out of the window watching the world go by in a blur of haste. I wondered what was running through his mind, all he ever wanted was acceptance from his mom and today he rejected it. Since he wasn’t allowed back home I had the cab driver drop us at my house and silently Liam climbed out of the car.
“It doesn’t look like my parents are home yet.” I pointed out quietly as I eyed up the vacant spot in the driveway. Liam merely nodded as a response.
He followed me through my house to my bedroom, dragging his feet along the floor like he felt awkward to be here. When we got to my bedroom his posture relaxed a little and he looked around in awe. He trailed his finger along the material of my bedding and I watched him. His mind seemed so consumed in thoughts, like he was trying to desperately process everything.
“It’s weird being here.” He finally whispered, the first words spoken since the hospital. I watched him cautiously, trying to gauge what mood he was in but he wasn’t giving anything away. He was just quiet.
“I always associated sex as something bad. All of my memories of doing it are negative ones, except for here. It was confusing and I still think back to it to try and understand the emotions I felt at the time.” He sat down on the edge of my bed and let his palms flatly skim over the bed sheet.
“At first I felt like we were doing something wrong. I knew you consented but it still felt like I shouldn’t be doing it and it made me believe I was a bad person for even suggesting it. But then the darkness started slipping away and I was just completely consumed by this feeling of love. Not just the love I had for you but the love I felt from you. It was amazing. I have never felt anything like that.” He smiled shyly as we both recalled memories from our first time. But then he sighed sadly.
“So why do I find it so hard to do it again?” He looked up to meet my gaze, eyes as blue as a cloudless sky, clear as day.
“Do you shoot the ball in the goal the first time?” I asked and a big boyish grin instantly appeared across his lips followed by a little chuckle vibrating through his chest. It made my heart expand so big it was close to exploding with joy.
“Um... yes.” He replied sarcastically, apparently my heart wasn’t the only thing that had grown larger, so had his ego.
I gave him a tilted head glance, maybe that was the wrong metaphor to use with Liam. “Don’t be cocky, what I mean is... everything takes time, it takes practice. For so long your mind has believed one thing and now you need to retrain it into thinking something entirely different. It’s not an easy journey.”
“There are just so many psychological issues. I either think it is wrong or I get these flashbacks, I just wish I could switch my brain off and be normal.” He sighed loudly making his shoulders sag, I could see from his face that constantly living inside your own head was exhausting.
Then I had an idea, one I wasn’t sure he would go along with but I knew I needed to try.
“Liam, lie back. Close your eyes.” He looked at me like I had grown two heads and I gestured towards the pillows with my hands. After a few lingering seconds he flicked off his shoes and lay himself back, resting his head on his arms and taking a deep breath. He closed one eye and gave me a squinted look with the other. “Close your eyes” I ordered again, his lips twitched into the smallest smile but he closed his eyes over.
“So you fantasize about sex, right? Have sex dreams? Masturbate?” His eyes shot wide open and horror crossed his scarlet face. “Close your eyes. Answer the question” I demanded with a laugh.
He cleared his throat clearly feeling uncomfortable by my question “yes” he muttered quietly.
“Tell me your fantasy.” I sat down beside him on the bed, careful to keep a gap between us so our bodies didn’t touch at all. Flush covered his entire face and I smiled sweetly at how embarrassed he got over things like this. Anyone who didn’t know him would never believe it because he pretends to be so cocky and confident about sex.
“Oh my God.” He complained but this time he kept his eyes shut.
“Go on.” I encouraged. “You tell me and I will do it.” Liams eyes opened wide again, this time they were filled with desire and a little fear. He propped himself up on his elbows to really look at me.
“I don’t know Liv... that is like giving you full control.” His voice was raspy and I could already see the bulge growing inside his jeans.
“It’s not, it’s the opposite. I won’t touch you anywhere you don’t tell me to touch you. Everything is your choice, nothing more, nothing less.” There was a momentary pause while he thought over what I was asking of him. He was trying to find the loophole, the problem. He was rephrasing my words in hundreds of different ways in his mind like a lawyer would when going over an important contract. The plan needed to be bulletproof.
“I don’t have some extravagant fantasy you know? Just accepting your touch is all I dream about. I guess overall I just fantasize about being normal.”
I giggled at his sweetness, he always feels the need to warn me before we get into anything. Talking down his own abilities because of his low confidence in this subject matter. It’s mind blowing considering Liam is the only one I have ever been with but neither of us could count the amount of girls he has had. I feel like the roles should be reversed and I should be the one warning him about my lack of expertise.
“Don’t laugh at me Liv.” Liam whispered with an embarrassed face.
“I’m sorry.” I replied honestly. He cleared his throat again and I could see that he was clearly feeling awkward about this whole conversation.
“What if I ask you to do something that you don’t want to do?” He searched my eyes for any trace of doubt within me but let’s be real, for Liam I was willing to do anything.
“I won’t do anything I am not comfortable with, you are just gonna have to trust me.”
He sat staring at me for few seconds, pondering his choices. I could see his mind thinking over his decision, wondering if he could actually see this through. Building himself up for what was about to happen if only he was brave enough to allow it.
“Okay.” He said quietly after a momentary silence.
Liam closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. “This is so embarrassing, I can’t believe I’m doing this.” he spoke coyly and I bit back another smile.
“I need you to keep your mind focused on the fantasy, just as if you were alone. Play it out in your mind, imagine it. Don’t let anything else corrupt your thoughts. Whenever you tell me you’re ready I will touch you. When you want me to stop I will stop.”
He nodded his head in understanding but kept his eyes closed. They fluttered delicately over his pink cheeks and his lips were parted slightly letting small breaths escape. He seemed relaxed, besides the overall embarrassment and for some reason I felt confident that this would work.