All I can think is wow.
“Fucking hell...” I mumble again like a drunk in love idiot.
Sex with Scarlett can be so wild and uninhibited. Did we get a little excited? Of course. Was it rougher than normal? Definitely. Most times we make love, but this was straight fucking. And it was hot as all hell.
Watching her bounce on my cock like that with the way she was having fun with it, toying with me, making me feel things I’ve never felt before. She had me by the balls and Jesus, was it the best feeling in the world.
I’m floating in my world of post ejaculation joy, when I realize she isn’t looking at me. Just casually laying on my stomach in the same position.
I rub my hands down her back gently, a change from the drastic ass slapping and rough grabbing that were previously exercised.
“Hey.” I say just above a whisper, shaking her shoulder a bit.
She clings to me, not moving.
“Baby, what are you doing?” I ask with a light chuckle, trying to move her again, thinking she’s just being silly.
She clings to me tighter and I feel something wet on my chest.
I grab her shoulders firmly and pull her up off me to see her wet cheeks, her bloodshot eyes, and her hair across her face. She’s crying.
Oh my God, I went too hard. Too much.
“Scarlett, baby, no...What’s wrong? Tell me, please.” I beg in a soft voice, desperate for something to soothe the deep, terrifying ache within my gut.
I hurt her.
She contorts her face, then turns into me again, releasing a soft cry into my chest.
“Baby, no, what did I do? I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
“No, no...” she says in a soft voice, shaking her head.
I gently roll her off of me, finally pulling out of her with a light groan, as I get up and grab a blanket from the couch and wrap it around her before quickly pulling my sweatpants back on and joining her back on the floor.
Millions of thoughts race through my mind. I yelled at her, telling her don’t do it, don’t touch me. Maybe she thought I was being harsh or rude. I only meant it in a ‘I’m gonna cum and ruin the fun for everyone if you keep this amazing shit up’ kinda way.
I hit her. I spanked her ass and called her ‘fucking naughty’ while pulling her hair roughly. Maybe that crossed the line. She’s been in abusive situations, maybe that triggered something? Maybe her becoming submissive to me in that way opened up a deep wound?
Did I say something that reminded her of ex? Ugh, I don’t even want to think about him fucking her like that, but maybe I said a phrase that brought back a memory? Pulled a move her ex used to pull?
FUCK! I don’t wanna go there.
Then the thought comes to mind.
I wrap my arms around her little, sniffling, frame, picking her up and craddling her into me as we sit back on the couch.
“Don’t feel guilty for enjoying this. For enjoying us.”
I pet her hair down, brushing it back as she wraps her arms around my abdomen, shaking into me as she cries.
“God, I thought I hurt you. I was so scared. Baby, please tell me I didn’t hurt you, I just need to hear you say it.”
“You didn’t hurt me, Toren, not at all.” Her voice cracks as she talks. “I honestly loved it. All of it. I’m just, I’m so sorry. I’m the worst.”
I grab her chin and turn her little head up to me. “Don’t you dare do that. It’s alright to feel the weight of this. It’s heavy, Scar. I get it. Just don’t hide away from me. Open up. Talk to me. Please.”
She chuckles lightly, “God, you’re too good to me.”
“Scarlett, I’m serious. Walk me through it. Tell me what just happened in your head. I’m strong enough to handle it. Let me be here for you.”
I look into her sad eyes, her lashes wet with tears, her lips, wet and puffy in the cutest way. She breathes in deeply, then blows it out, licking her lips and tucking some of her hair behind her ear.
“I’m sorry, Toren. What we just did was so amazing and beautiful...and playful and exciting, and I ruined it all.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. Now please, tell me.”
“I just, I just feel like it’s too soon to be happy. Like I’m being insensitive by having fun. I know it sounds crazy and I should just move forward and live my life but...” She throws her face into her hands and begins crying again.
“C’mere baby.” I pull her back into me again, cuddling into the couch now, pulling the blanket up around her as I hold her tightly in my arms. “I understand.”
“He’s dead. Like really gone...and I’m, we’ll, I’m not. Why do I deserve to enjoy this and he doesn’t? How can I truly enjoy things again knowing he won’t ever. Why do I miss him so much? Why does my heart hurt when I think about him? I felt like I lost a piece of myself. But, I have you. I should feel complete. I shouldn’t feel these things, yet I do. And telling you feels wrong, and I feel like the worst person ever.”
She let’s it all out, spewing her emotions just as I’d hoped. As much as I don’t want it to affect me, it still hurts. She’s crying over another man. A man that almost took her from me, a guy that tried to. A guy that, if the situation was different and he was honest with who he was, may have had all of her.
I really start to think about that. What if he was her soulmate, hiding in sheep’s clothing? What if they were meant to be but his career was the only thing that kept him from finding that with her?
I shouldn’t be doing this to myself. I can’t live in the what ifs. He’s gone and she needs me.
“You’re not the worst person in the world. You care deeply and no one can fault you for that. Don’t beat yourself up for having those emotions during an extremely traumatic time in your life. It’s okay to feel things. You don’t need to pack all that away, hoping it’ll go away on it’s own. It won’t.”
She looks up at me, cupping her hands around my face, rubbing her thumb over my lips while studying my face. “I’m trying.”
“I know you are, baby.” I press my lips to hers.I kiss her lips, softly and sweetly, attempting to take away her pain with a gentle touch.
We finally fall asleep on the couch together, waking when the sun begins to show it’s light through the floor length windows. After both an emotional and physical night, we are both spent. I ease my arm out from under her under, letting her sleep while I jump in the shower to get ready.
Maggie and Ronan’s baby shower is this weekend and I have to order the cake for my mom at her favorite bakery this afternoon to help get things together. I volunteered to help her set up the venue she rented ahead of time, so sleep, or lack thereof, will need to wait.
I hop into the warm water, rubbing myself with soap and thinking about the events of last night. Her words flow through my mind again. Why do I miss him so much? I get it, he was a part of her life, they shared something. I feel like I lost a piece of me. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, he had her in all the ways you don’t want another man to have your girl.
The thought alone drives me fucking mad.
From what she’s told me, they had a very active sex life. Will she always think about him when we’re intimate now? The thought hurt a place deep in my chest so I press my palm against it, wishing it away.
“I thought I heard you in here.” I hear her cute scratchy morning voice.
I jump a little at her sudden presence. She slides into the shower alongside me. I grab her hand, helping her walk in, then proceed to finish washing myself of the suds I’d created.
“Let me.” she says softly, her hands falling on my shoulders.
She runs her hands down my chest as my breathing starts increasing. Fingers run over my shoulders, down my abdomen. Her touch isn’t overtly sexual, it’s comforting. It’s loving.
I wrap my arms around her, pulling her under the warm water, turning her so her back is against me. I put some soap on my hands and begin softly massaging it into her chest, her neck, her stomach.
She moans, tilting her head to the side. Her chest starts rising and falling as I run my hands over her smooth body.
I lather up her hair with the shampoo, washing it in communal silence.
I don’t want to think about it, the past, what could’ve been...but now it’s infiltrated my mind.
Her hands reach back, holding my upper thighs as I clean her, then travel a little higher, finding my growing erection. Touching her has Thor coming to life as always. Her fingers slowly, and gently wrap around me.
I groan a little, then back away from her touch.
I just can’t right now. My head is all over the place. I’m a little hurt, and a whole lot of confused. I just need a clear head before engaging in this again, especially after her breakdown last night, especially after seeing her pain.
She turns to me, a confused expression on her soft face.
“We gotta get going. Have to get to the bakery soon.” I say, looking past her.
I rinse off once more then hop out of the shower, leaving her in there, just standing and staring at my departure.
She finally joins me by the sink after her shower, where I’m brushing my teeth with my towel clinging to my hips. Standing behind me in a robe with her hair up in a towel she sports a little scowl on her face.
I pause what I’m doing, toothpaste dropping down out of my mouth with a brow raised.
“You told me to be honest with you.” she says with sadness in her eyes, leaning her back against the counter, facing me.
“I know. I know I did.”
“Then why? Why?”
I know she’s wondering why I stopped her from touching me in the shower. She’s wondering why I’d turn her down after begging her to open up to me.
“I just needed a minute.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “A minute? Toren, please don’t do this to me. You wanted me to talk about things, wanted me to open up to you and tell you what’s going on in my head, and I did. Now it’s your turn. You don’t get to close up now.”
Her words are filled with emotion and her little nose flares when she talks. I don’t want to scare her. I wash my toothpaste chin with a towel then wrap my arms around her, gripping the edge of the counter behind her.
“I’m not closing up. I promise you.”
“Then tell me what just happened in your head back there.” she retorts, using the same vernacular I used with her last night.
A sigh deeply, “Before you got in the shower with me, I was just in my head. Your words last night caught me a bit off guard. It’s just...well it’s hard for me too. Hearing about how you felt, or still feel for him, as badly as I want to push it away, it’s there.”
She places her hand softly on my cheek.
“Whatever it was that I felt for him, it will never compare to how I feel for you. It was a different type of love.” She places her other hand over my heart. “This love is everything to me. This love is the love I’ve always needed but never knew I wanted.”
“I know, baby. I know. Don’t think I don’t know that. I’m just still processing this all too.”
“But, you begged me. You begged me to tell you my thoughts. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt you-”
“No, I know...I know, I’m sorry.” I interrupt, leaning my head against hers, staring into her terrified eyes.
“Just don’t leave me. You can’t leave me.” She breaks out into a sob, leaning her forehead against my chest.
I cradle her to me again, feeling like an ass for pulling away from her when she so clearly needs me more than ever.
Her heart is so fragile, so scared, and open wider than ever before. She’s exposed and fully vulnerable to me. Everything I wanted, everything I asked for. But ultimately, opening herself to emotions after a lifetime of pushing them back has left her terrified of being on that ledge, wondering if she’s the only one about to fall.
But she knows. She knows I’ve already fallen and I’m at the bottom of that ledge just waiting to catch her.
I just need to make sure she’s confident in that without putting myself and my feelings last. There’s a balance here and I just need to find it.
“I’ll never leave you.” I whisper down into her, holding her firmly to my chest. “I’ll never leave you.”
I make the promise, knowing it’s my truth. I’ll never leave her. I was going to ask for her hand in marriage. I have the ring. I was ready to make us official.
But now’s just not the right time.