Entering a baby shower without panties is a whole new world of weird. Luckily my dress is long enough that if a slight breeze slides through I won’t worry about exposing my entire vaginal lips to the high-end party guests.
I walk around the reserved room, entering from the opposing door to the bathrooms. Luckily most people are up and moving around now, sipping cocktails from the bar and chatting amongst themselves. I’m guessing we also don’t open gifts at these types of parties. So beneath us.
I spot Toren from the other end of the room where he’s toying with a straw in his mouth, smirking at me in the sexiest way. He’s clearly been watching me since I came in. My face feels flushed and I bite my lip to hold back the inevitable grin that takes over my expression.
Finding Adrien sitting perched up like a damn cockatiel on a chair near the bar, I saunter over as casually as possible.
He sips his Manhattan, looking me up and down. “You too, huh?”
How he can always tell I’ve been fucked is beyond me. But he always knows. I think he can smell it. He’s got a sixth sense and it’s always detecting intercourse.
“There’s no use...yep, me too.”
He laughs, turning to the bartender to order me a Manhattan as well.
I sneak another peak in Toren’s direction and he appears to be in conversation with some older gentlemen. He looks my way again, and I feel his eyes examining me. I feel the heat from his stare from my head to my toes and I know he’s reimagining recent events just as I am. Fucking him in public places is becoming a real thing for us. I squeeze my thighs together, remembering the man that was just between them.
Goddamn, I’m head over heels. I must be, I let him get away with “accidentally” calling me his friend. Most dudes would’ve been castrated by now.
I sigh, but it comes off as more of a light moan, my fingers playing with the edge of my collar as I lick my bottom lip, staring at his tall muscular form in his tight crisp white button up and form fitting dress pants.
His jaw tightens and he swallows, eyes narrowing slightly. The gentleman next to him must’ve repeated a question, because he blinks rapidly, then turns to him, straightening, then plastering on that smile again.
“Girl...” Adrien whispers behind me. “Your chemistry is making me want to suck off a senator next. And I don’t even suck dick.”
I turn, playfully smacking him on the hand as he laughs, handing me my drink. We saddle back against the stand-in bar and continue sipping our cocktails.
“Remember that guy you used to screw that had that inverted penis?” Adrien casually asks.
I choke, almost spitting up my drink. “No!”
“Okay, maybe it wasn’t an inverted penis, but it was small as hell. You struggled to feel him internally. I think his name was Reggie or Ron...”
“Ron! Oh my God, Ron! Ha! I forgot about him.”
“Yeah, remember when his girlfriend at the time walked in on you guys while he was attempting insertion?”
“The way you recall my sex life terrifies me.” I comment, my eyes darting suspiciously.
“And remember how he was calling out her name like a lone wolf howling to the moon as you left? SARAHHH! SARAH! But he had a lisp so it came out more like SAWAHHH, SAWAH!”
“Jesus,” I snort, “I try to forget these memories, luckily, I have you to remind me. Yes...anyways, why are you bringing this up?”
“Because that’s Sawah...on Congressman Jonathan’s arm.” he finishes his drink, turning back to the bar.
“Oh. My. God.” I gasp.Sure as shit, the Sarah that walked in on us and became a running joke between my friends and I, is here. To be fair, I didn’t know little-dicked Ron had a girlfriend. He was a slease.
Just as I’m trying to process the fact that it appears that Sarah is Jonathan’s girlfriend or wife, or who knows what, I see Ronan approaching.
“Scar Scarrrrr.” he slurs, slumping his heavy arm around my shoulder.
It’s then that I get a whiff of him. He reeks of whiskey or bourbon, who the hell knows, to be honest, but he’s drunk as hell.
Ronan is drunk at the baby shower. Sweet Jesus.
“Ronan, what the hell? Are you alright?” I ask, with a hint of humor in my tone.
“I’m, we’ll I’m better now. Was feeling nervous again about the whole, explosion of my Maggie’s back end, but ya know...they can sew there are the hospital, she’ll be safe handsesss.”
“Um. What. We’re doing this now?” Adrien looks at him then at me, “Oh. My God.”
He’s hammered. Like leaning forward on me now, resting his head against the side of mine.
“Adrien get Toren or something!” I direct him. “Ronan, why don’t you take a seat.”
I hear the voice, knowing Adrien is still at my side, knowing that shit is really about to hit the fan.
“Yep. Everything is fine, Jonathan.” I say turning to face the Congressman with a fake smile.
“Everything was going great until the old ball and chain came around, I see.” Adrien quips back to him.
He swallows nervously, then looks over to where Sarah is arriving beside him.
“Oh hi, I haven’t met you guys yet. Friends of Toren’s?” she asks, making me want to kill myself at the reminder of the word friend.
I’m praying to whatever God there is that she doesn’t recognize me. Please don’t recognize me.
“I’m actually great friends with your husband. Like really great friends.” Adrien responds sarcastically, holding his hand out to shake.
Jonathan looks like he’s about to pop a hernia.
I notice the ring on her finger, then spot Jonathan’s ring. I didn’t see it before. Whether or not he was wearing earlier is irrelevant at this point. He’s clearly married and clearly sexually confused.
“Oh, I didn’t know. I’m Sarah.” She smiles, bewildered. “And you are?”
She holds her hand out for mine as her smile instantly turns from recognition into a scowl.
“You.” She growls.
“Moe Moe, I bought us a shot! Come take this with your almost brotherrrr!” Ronan slurs behind us.
“Moe Smith. You’re the whore that took Ron’s virginity from me!”
“Virginity? Oh hell, this about to be good.” Adrien says to himself, posing in position to watch this little scene play out.
“I’m NOT a virgin! I AM the father!” Ronan mumbles his drunken talk behind us.
I rub my forehead, sighing at this ridiculousness.
Where the fuck is Toren?!
“Wait, Ron was a virgin?” I question, trying to hold back my laugh as I look at Adrien.
“You slept with him before we could share that experience together!” she screams.
Clearly this bitch isn’t over Ron. This shit is entirely awkward.
“Ron could barely fuck anyways. You need a dick to do that. Really you should be thanking me.” I respond calmly with a shrug.
“I used to fuck!” Ronan calls out, leaning with his fist in his cheek against the bar.
“I’m sure your new husband can fuck. I’m sure he can fuck well.” Adrien adds, looking back to Jonathan who is turning white.
Pretty sure Jonathan is going to die.
“Ron was in love with me!” Sarah screams out, on the verge of tears.
“Sarah, calm down.” Congressman Jonathan scolds.
“Clearly not enough.” I respond quietly with wide eyes, looking at the floor.
“People are looking.” He scolds her again, adjusting his tie.
“Yeah, this little spectacle really wouldn’t be a good look for you, would it, Congressman?” Adrien snaps, raising his perfectly drawn eyebrows.
Jonathan pleads into Adrien’s eyes, begging him to shut the hell up, to keep his lip-lined lips sealed. But this is Adrien we are talking about.
“Moe! Shots!” Ronan calls out.
Who the fuck is this bartender giving this guy more liquor!?
Frustrated, I turn back to the bar, taking the shot down quickly. Wincing at the burning sensation down my throat, I shake my head to hopefully make it disappear.
“I can’t believe I’m at an event with this slut! Jonathan, I want to leave. Now!”
“Sarah, I- I can’t. I have to make an appearance, take more pictures-”
“Well, I’m leaving!” She turns and stomps towards the door, pouting like a child, leaving the Congressman standing there, torn, running his hands through his hair.
“SAWAHHH! SAWAHHHH!” Adrien yells towards the door.
Sarah turns, recognizing the tone, recognizing the lisp, then breaks into a sob and runs out of the building.
Adrien and I burst into laughter. Like full on bent over at the waist, slapping each other while trying to hold it in simultaneously.
“Sawahhh!” Ronan moans from the bar.
Jonathan looks disappointingly at us, making me feel like some sort of bully in high school, which I hate.
“To be fair, she called me a whore.” I explain.
“And a slut.” Adrien adds.
“Just stating for the record.” He clarifies.
“This is...insane.” Jonathan says, shaking his head before walking towards the door Sarah left out of.
I turn to Ronan then back to Adrien. “Well, that was fun. Let’s find Maggie and get this guy home, eh?”
As soon as I say it, I hear a commotion coming from the other end of the party. Adrien whips his head to look, then looks back at me confused.
“What now!?” I moan.
Pushing through people I see Mrs. Hollingsworth with her arm around Maggie, another person on her left, as they’re walking her to the door.
Her face says it all. Pain. She’s grabbing the base of her stomach and clearly breathing heavily.
Adrien smacks his forehead. “Aw, hell nah! She’s about to explode!”
Panic hits me as I run towards Mags, walking quickly along with them.
“She’s having contractions!” Mrs. Hollingsworth says.
“Maggie, just breathe, we’ll get you to the hospital, everything is going to be fine.”
Everything is not fine. I just had sex, standing here without panties, Ronan is wasted, Adrien had sex with and almost outed a Congressman, I’ve been called a whore by my little-dicked boyfriend’s ex, Toren is MIA, and now Maggie is about to explode out the back, as Ronan so duly noted.
Regardless, here we are, in the midst of chaos, yet again.
I spot Toren walking through the side door to figure out what’s going on. He sees me and approaches.
“What’s going on?” he asks, panicked at the image of people running all around.
“Where were you?! It’s a shit show out here.”
“I’m sorry, I was just talking to Rachel out there.” He points in the direction of the bathroom hallway.
“What? Rachel? Seriously, Toren?”
“Yeah, what?” he asks, completely oblivious as to why that’s weird to me.
I sigh frustratingly. I’m annoyed. All of this was happening, Ronan was downing alcohol, I was being verbally harassed, and Toren was just talking to Rachel? I don’t want to be jealous, but I don’t like it. He was alone with her for at least twenty minutes. I know what Toren can do in twenty minutes. Why did they need to be in the bathroom hallway anyways? A private area? Ugh.
I roll my eyes at him, pushing the shit aside to deal with the real problem at hand.
“You need to get your drunk ass brother up and to the hospital. We’ll meet you guys there.” I say bluntly, then reach for Adrien and head out of the main doors, following Mrs. Hollingsworth and Maggie.
Toren stands there for a second, looking confused, then snaps into action.
We all climb into Mrs. Hollingsworth’s limo, Maggie beginning to moan and groan in pain as she places her head against the seat, not wanting to sit back.
Debbie tells the driver to hit it as we speed off for the hospital.
“This is exactly how I’d wanna roll into my labor...in prestigious style.” Adrien comments with his chin raised, feeling the leather of the seat beneath him.
All of our heads snap in his direction as Maggie and I speak in synchronization.