#40 Taking things slow is really fucking hard
Did she really just say…? I feel like crying and shouting and dancing, all at the same time, but all I do is sit there on the couch, staring at her.
“I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time now,” Tracy goes on, her cheeks flushed and her entire body trembling. She’s nervous, I realize. No, more than that, she’s terrified. “And I know that I’ve behaved like a cunt, and that you have no reason to still want me, but… well, that’s it. I love you and I wanted to tell you that.”
It took way way way too long, but she said it. She feels it. She loves me.
I put my to-go cup of coffee on the table and reach out to take her face in my hands, looking into those gorgeous green eyes.
“Say it again,” I plead, needing make sure she means it.
“I love you,” she says, and there are tears in her eyes. A few spill out, and I wipe them away, feeling like I’m dreaming. Tracy is crying. The girl who never cries is letting down all her walls. For me.
“I love you too,” I breathe, still unable to believe this is real. Surely I’m gonna wake up in a few seconds. “You know I do, Tracy.”
She visibly relaxes, but she’s still crying. “Oh thank God,” she mumbles, a small smile lighting up her face. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come to my senses.” She reaches out to push my hair out of my face, and there is so much tenderness in her touch that I feel like I’m gonna melt into a puddle. I’ve never seen Tracy like this and as much as I hate that I made her cry, I kind of love it.
“Come here,” I say, pulling her to me so I can hug her. She swings her legs over mine so she’s basically in my lap and pushes her face against my shirt, her tears making me all wet. I stroke her hair until she calms down, and I feel so fucking lucky to be allowed to comfort her. With girls I dated in the past, holding them when they cried was pretty basic, and it happened every so often, but with Tracy, this is like… I don’t know. All I know is that this is a huge deal for her, and she wouldn’t let me see her like this if she didn’t trust me.
She pulls back after a while and takes my face in her hands. Finally, she presses her lips to mine and we kiss. It’s a slow, wet kiss that tastes salty from her tears, and I swear it’s the best kiss I’ve had in my life. She loves me, and it’s like I can feel it in the way she kisses me. Her hands knot in my hair, and her small body fits perfectly against mine as she presses herself against me almost desperately, not able to get enough of me.
“I missed this,” she murmurs when we finally break apart. “It’s been too long.”
“Kiss me again,” I order, already kissing her for a second time, this time more hungrily. Her tongue moves over my lower lip, and I eagerly open my mouth, deepening the kiss. Even with Franny, kissing her wasn’t this good. Aston once told me that kissing the girl you love, knowing she loves you back, is the best feeling in the entire world. The sappy bastard was right. It truly is.
She moans into my mouth, and my cock jumps to life right away, ready for action. I grab her hips and lift her up while I keep kissing her, and I put her back down so she’s straddling me. Tracy immediately starts grinding against my erection. I move my hands to her breasts, squeezing them through her clothes, enjoying the way she moans desperately in response.
“Wait,” she breathes as pulls back, her eyes wild and cheeks flushed. “I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.”
“What?” I ask, already slipping my hands underneath her shirt so I can undo the clasp of her bra.
“Ah!” she exclaims when I pull her hard against the huge bulge in my pants while I move my hand into her bra so I can pinch her nipple. “Oh, Thom…”
“Yeah, baby, say my name,” I grunt, running my tongue over her rapid pulse in her neck, proud of how easily I can still drive her crazy with need. I’m more than ready to remind her how great we are together in every single way.
“No no, stop,” she says suddenly, pushing against my chest to get some space. She’s breathing hard, and I can tell she’s about to cry again.
“What did I do?” I ask, taking my hand out of her shirt and allowing her to climb off me. “What happened? Did I hurt you?”
She shakes her head, and takes my hand in both of hers as she sits down next to me, looking like she’s got a million different thoughts running through her mind. “I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I promised myself that I’d take things slow this time around, because last time…” She trails off and closes her eyes. “Fucking hell, I can’t stop crying.” She laughs softly, and she opens her eyes, looking straight into mine. “I don’t want you to be my rebound guy again. And I don’t want us to get lost in all the hot sex, without talking about how we feel. I love you, and I want this to go somewhere. I think…” She looks away, her cheeks turning bright red. “Oh God, I sound so sappy. Okay, here we go… I think that for the first time in my life, I might be ready for something real in a way I never was before, but I’m going to need some time. I was planning to be alone for longer than a few months before getting into another relationship, but once I realized that I’ve been in love with you for a long time…”
“We can take things as slow as you need,” I vow, even though my cock is yelling at me to not be so stupid and to get her naked. “I want to have sex with you really badly, but I want to be in a relationship with you even more than that. If that means no sex for a while, I can do that.”
“Really?” she looks at me with those big green eyes, tears still spilling out.
“You already know I’d do anything for you, Tracy.” I touch her face gently, wiping away a few tears. She’s so beautiful, even with her nose all scrunched up and her eyes red and puffy. “Tell me what you need from me, and I will do it.”
“I think we should talk,” she decides, and then she laughs, the sound lighting up my whole world. “This is so weird,” she says, shaking her head. “I’m so used to pushing you away or getting naked with you… Talking about serious stuff instead is… different.”
“We used to talk,” I remind her, even though it’s been a long time since we had a proper conversation.
“Yeah, before, after or even during sex,” she agrees, still smiling. “Not like this, on the couch, fully clothed, without plans to get naked right after.”
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask, adjusting my cock so it’s not straining against my pants so much. Her eyes catch my movement and she licks her lips, making me even harder than I already was. “Don’t,” I warn her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “If you keep giving me sex-eyes, I’m going to have you bent over this couch in a matter of seconds, baby.”
“Right.” She takes deep breath and turns around, pulling up her shirt a little. “Can you fasten my bra? It’s a little weird to have a serious talk like this.”
I help her get her clothes back in order, and I smile when she grabs one of sandwiches she brought and bites down, stuffing her face for a while. I think she’s just trying to buy herself some time, although she does look pretty hungry.
“Okay,” she decides after scarfing down half of her sandwich while I just watch and sip my coffee. “I’ll start. I’m sorry, Thom. I’ve been such a bitch to you. I handled everything horrible. I cut you out and let you back in a million times, and that wasn’t fair to you.”
“It’s okay,” I assure her, although it does feel good for her to acknowledge that she’s not been treating me right.
“No,” she insists, her eyes boring into mine. “It’s not okay. I could try to blame it on my past, or on the shit with Michel, but that wouldn’t be fair. I was a bitch to you, and all you ever did was be my friend. I’m so grateful that you stuck around, even when you had no reason to.”
“That’s just what you do when you love someone,” I reply, happy that I can finally say those words to her without her looking at me like I’m trying to hurt her. The first time I told her, with Michel looking at me like he wanted to murder me, she wasn’t ready to hear it. Now, she is. I plan to tell her how much I love her every single day. And to show her.
Michel loved her, and he probably still does, but he didn’t treat her the way he should have. I plan to be the most perfect boyfriend ever and show her that it can be a good thing to be vulnerable with someone. I want her to feel safe and cherished every single day she’s with me.
“I love you too,” she says, smiling in that rare way that lights up her entire being, and that makes me feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world. “And you’re wrong. You being so good to me isn’t because you love me, it’s because that’s just you. You’re such a good guy, with a huge heart, and that’s one of the main reasons I love you so damn much. I want to tell you a lot of things, about my parents, the way I cope with things when I start feeling too much, about everything… all the things I’ve never told anyone. But first… I know I’ve got no right to ask you to tell me anything, but I do have some questions.”
“Ask me anything,” I say right away, forcing myself not to take her into my arms and pull her close to me. She looks so fragile right now.
“Did you sleep with anyone else the past couple of months?” she asks, pulling a trembling hand through her hair. “It’s okay if you did, I’ll still want to be with you, but I would like to know.”
“Of course not,” I reply, not understanding where this is coming from. “I told you this at Aston’s wedding, didn’t I? My last time was with you, Tracy.”
“Not with…” She looks away from me, flustered. “With Debby?”
“Debby?” I repeat, not sure I heard her right. “Why would I sleep with Debby?”
“I know you slept with her once,” Tracy says, looking sad.
“How do you-” I cut myself off. It doesn’t matter. “Yeah, I did. Almost a year ago, when you and Michel got back together and he moved in with you. She’s the only other girl I’ve been with since we went on our first date, Tracy. And it was only one night, in a stupid attempt to fuck you out of my system. “
“So you didn’t fuck her against a tree at Aston’s wedding?”
Oh no. Kill me now.
“What did you see?” I ask, reaching out to take her hands in mine.
“It’s not what I saw, it’s what I heard,” Tracy murmurs. “She told you that she wanted you to fuck her, and she said you were hard for her.”
“Did you also hear me telling her that I didn’t want her?” I ask, hating that she thought for even a second I would fuck someone after I told her that I still missed her and wanted her. “I turned her down, Tracy. She was upset, and I tried to comfort her. Nothing happened. Well, she did touch me, but I stopped her. You know me, baby. I’m not liar. When I say I’ll wait for you, I wait, and I don’t move on without telling you.”
“Oh.” Tracy exhales in relief. “Dr. York was right.”
“Dr. York?” I feel like this conversation is all over the place, and I don’t know what just happened to make her talk about some doctor.
“My therapist,” she explains. “She told me that I might be jumping to conclusions without getting the whole story, and that I should talk to you to find out what happened.”
“Smart woman,” I say, happier than ever before that Tracy is in therapy. This woman is getting a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to her office tomorrow. And a case of wine. And hundred boxes of chocolate. She told Tracy to talk to me, that it was obvious that she loves me, and to not let fear stand in the way of her happiness. I fucking love that woman.
Tracy moves closer to me, touching my face almost reverently while she looks straight at me. She’s letting me look into her soul in a way she’s never allowed me to do before today. I’d love to be having sex with her right now, but this is even better, in a way. I’m getting to know the real Tracy, and she’s way sweeter and more vulnerable than the ice queen I’ve been spending time with until now. I love the dark, twisted Tracy, but I think I love this girl even more.
“I know I said I want to take things slow,” she says softly, tugging at my hair gently. “But kissing would be perfectly okay with me.”
“Get over here, baby,” I grunt, lifting her back onto my lap and crushing her lips to mine.
“I love you,” she murmurs against my lips in between scorching hot kisses.
I force my hands to stay on her back and in her hair, although I’d love to grab her ass and play with her perky little tits. “I love you too, baby.”
“You’re so hard,” she moans, moving her hips in circular motions, driving me crazy. “This taking things slow thing is going to be way more difficult than I thought it would be.”
“You’re worth the wait,” I grunt, trying to control myself. Fuck, this feels so right. “But you should stop right now, or I’m gonna come in my pants.”
“Really?” she asks, excitement flashing in her eyes. “Just from me rubbing up against you? We’ve still got our clothes on!” Instead of stopping, she keeps up a steady pace, kissing me harder than before.
I grab her hips and try to keep her still, but she keeps going, and I feel my balls tighten. I’m so sex-starved that I am gonna cream my pants like a teenager in a few seconds.
“Tracy, stop,” I groan. “I serious, I’m gonna-”
“Come for me,” she whispers in my air, her voice seductive. Horny, twisted Tracy is back. I haven’t seen this side of her in so long, and my body responds to her order immediately. I shudder with my release, feeling my cum ruining my boxershorts and pants while she keeps riding me, whispering into my ear how hot she is for me.
“Fucking hell,” I breathe, my body going slack underneath her when I’m completely empty and satisfied. “You’re a horny little devil, Tracy Packard.”
“Only for you, Thom,” she murmurs, kissing my neck. “Now go shower and put on some clean clothes. I’m taking you out.”
“Out?” I ask, still reeling from my orgasm.
“Yeah, for a first date,” she says, smiling brightly. “A proper one. I’m thinking bowling.”
That makes me laugh, and I pull her against me for a hug. “I don’t care what we do, as long as it’s with you.”