“I wish I’d met you sooner.”
Kai stood beside me, smiling at me with his arm around my shoulder. I can feel a gentle breeze and a gentle gaze on me.
We’re watching the sunset together.
I feel so content inside. I feel warm and fuzzy inside. The scenery seems brighter than it did then. All I want to do is to be here, with Kai. Just like this.
“Hmm Marc.” He was still admiring the view, I was as well, but my view was different. He finally looked at me. I feel another feeling bubbling inside me. Is it... anticipation?
“...what? What’s with the intense staring?” He said, smiling at me. This agitated me even more, that smile.
I feel happy, scared, nervous and excited all at the same time. I feel at peace yet restless at the same time.
We kept eye contact for a few seconds. Could be even a minute.
I can’t think. I don’t have time to rationalise my actions. I can’t understand why I feel this way. Kai...
The next series of events happened in such a mess that I can’t even comprehend what I did or am doing right now. Everything happened in slow motion, still too fast for my brain to process anything. I was moving on my own, is this something I wanted all along?
My left arm at the small of his back, my right hand holding his face. And my lips on his...
I couldn’t dwell in the moment or revel in the feeling for long.
Suddenly the floor starts shaking. Our world crumbling away. I tightened my hold on his back. I don’t want to leave.
I looked ahead. We’re standing at the edge. There’s no railing. I looked back at Kai. He is looking at me, but I can’t make out what his expression means. But I know I have a pleading look on my face. I don’t wanna go.
And then the floor crumbled from beneath our feet.
I jolted awake, my heart beating out of my chest. I’m covered in a cold sweat. Falling from the roof in dreams is the worst. I knew I shouldn’t have looked down from the edge then. It was so scary. I clutched my chest and my heart was still beating out of pace. It took me a minute to calm down.
But wait. Wait, a damn minute.
The hell did I do?!!
No, no no no no. Why?
A thousand thoughts started racing through my head. It became too hard to keep up. I gripped my hair in frustration.
I touched my lips. Did I really just... do I really want to do that sub consciously?
*gasp* “Can’t be...”
“Maaarc, wake up. It’s 10:30 already.” I heard my mom shout from the corridor.
“I’m up.” I screamed back.
“Have some cereal or something. I’m going out to buy some grocery.”
Let’s just have some breakfast and think then.
I’m sitting on my bed, thinking for the past half hour, I guess. My head hurts already. The music usually helps me relax, but it’s not doing much now. Tired of overthinking, I plopped down.
(“I make mistakes and I think that it’s just fine. It’s just fine. And I tell myself...” )
“Stay... who you are, don’t be afraid. When it all comes crashing...” I started singing along. It was a song by The Score and it reminded me of Kai again! Ughh.
How will I face him tonight? I’m so scared. I could be even more awkward than usual. What if he notices I’m acting weird? How can I act normal now?
Kai has made me question a lot of things. My mind is a mess right now.
Do I like him like that? But how? This has never happened before. Also, how can I be sure? When did it happen? How did it happen?
Okay, the idea of liking a guy did not disgust or freak me out. I just never thought I could. And I know it’s not because I know he is gay, I never cared about that. I liked Joe because she was a pleasant person. Joe joined us later, and we clicked at first. It didn’t work out, but she was understanding. She still talked to me sometimes, but she became popular later and I, the same Marc. I wasn’t attracted to any of my other classmates. For many reasons.
I’d been with them since those idiots used to pick their noses. No matter what glow up they had, I wasn’t really interested. Then, I wasn’t really a sociable or outgoing person. I didn’t meet a lot of people. And I was an outcast. I couldn’t fit in. Books was truly my only real friend there, he would try to spend time with me even though he had so many friends to hang out with. I’m sure the others questioned him as to why he needed to hang out with me. Maybe they saw me as his charity case. Of course there were Julie, Max and Emmy but they were kind of outcasts as well and would stick with one another more. They had more common classes as well. Ugh where am I going now?
There were questions popping up like ads on a third party website. Then there were multiple thoughts at the same time. I would digress, then come back to the topic and then question myself again. Thinking hurts.
“Marc let’s have lunch.” I heard my dad call me from downstairs.
I’ve been thinking for so long that I hadn’t noticed my mom getting back or my dad trying to cook something. He makes a lot of noise in the kitchen when he tries to cook. Tries, because he can’t really cook.
The dream and the questions kept swimming in my head during lunch as well.
“What’re you thinking so much about? You’ll get more wrinkles than me.” Dad finally spoke up, pointing at my forehead, breaking my cavalcade of overwhelming thoughts.
“Eh nothing really. I wasn’t thinking that hard.” I tried to downplay it, because he’s totally right.
“Really? So your furrowed eyebrows and creases on your forehead were just to make you look older.” Dad said with a deadpan look.
I just rolled my eyes. “About tonight. I’m having a sleepover at Duke’s.”
“Right, you told us about the sleepover. Well have fun.” Mom went back to having her lunch.
“You looked like you were going though an existential crisis and you were thinking about a sleepover. You do some weird stuff.” Dad just laughed at me. I just waved him off. I can’t have a long conversation right now. I’m drained.
“So what, is it like a party or like a guys’ night?”
“Something like that. We’ll just play some games, order in and sleep.” I just shrugged my shoulders, it’s not a big deal. It’ll just be a chill night. Mom nodded at that. She knows I’m not into those stupid parties anyway.
“Remember the time when he went to a class party wearing shoes in the wrong feet.” Mom reminded dad of an embarrassing incident. It’s really alright. It was a bit dark and everybody seemed occupied. I attended the party for like half an hour, anyway. No one must have noticed. I hope...
“I was in a hurry and they were boots. They felt the same. I couldn’t tell.”
“Pfft- ” both of them started laughing.
I hope your parents don’t roast you like mine do.
I packed all the necessities after lunch. We talked for a while in the group chat about the timings and stuff. Duke sent me the address as I’d never been there before.
I even napped for a while in the afternoon, overthinking myself to sleep. Of course, about Kai.
I think he’s cool. He’s really handsome with sharp features and beautiful hair. I love his hair. It looks gorgeous in the sun, like it’s glowing. And he looks aesthetic when the sun’s rays fall on him. He’s so calm and collected. Totally not impulsive like me. And he’s so kind. He can even be funny, well sometimes. He listens to me so patiently, even my stupid rambles. The list went on and on.
I thought about how I feel around him. I enjoy having him as my close friend. Of course I’m close with the guys, especially Felix. But I feel so free around him. He trusts me so much and has told me things he has told no one here. I’m his closest friend as well. But I loved it when we lay on the grass, watching the clouds. Or our walks through the garden and our talks under the arbour tunnel. Or the time when I hugged him. It was an impulsive decision, but I’m glad I did. I loved resting at the roof, admiring the view with him.
I felt safe when he had his arm around me. I feel content when he smiles at me. I felt happy when he took my hand to show me his favourite place in the school. I would like it even if we do nothing or say anything, I would like it if I’m with him. How could I not realise this sooner?
So all it took was a dream and hours of thinking to realise this. Hmm, no big deal. I’m so foolish.
I kept seeing his face all this time. The slight curve of his lips when he smiles a little. His laugh, especially when he laughs with me. His eyes, even the small mole below his right eye. His face close to mine.
Stop stop stop. Stop! Time out.
Finally, I decided to just act normal around Kai. It’s difficult, but not impossible. I’ll just have to act the right amount of weird around Kai. I’m not even sure about what I’m gonna do. I’ll need Books, again. It’s been a week or more since we talked on the phone. He’s the only one I can talk to about stuff like these. I’m nervous to even talk to him. Because talking to him will make it real. It won’t be just in my head anymore.
Because that’d make me admit.
I have a crush on Kai.
Song used :
Stay by The Score