“I’m sorry! I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant.”
“I was honestly surprised too when I saw your results. Don’t worry; we will take care of you!”
The ride home seems to last an eternity exchanging smiles here and there, but no words are said. Once we finally settled on the couch, I turned to him. “Talk to me, please!” His silence is out of character. “I’m happy,” he says, I sense something else. “But?” I need to know what he’s thinking. “I am happy, truly. I’m also worried because I’m filming in a week. You can’t travel right now, she said. Leaving you here alone makes me sad. Will you be okay?” I see how torn he is. The same thoughts crossed my mind, but I would never want to risk his career. If I’m honest with myself, I do wish he could stay. But I don’t want him to feel guilty about doing his job. “Now you’re the one who’s quiet, babe,” he pulls me closer. “Sorry, timing isn’t great, of course. But I have family and friends here that can help me. Will you be okay being away?” I ask him. “Well, as you said, the timing isn’t great but, I’m sure we can manage.” he smiles. I rest my head on his chest as he grabs his phone to answer a call.
I feel like my whole life just shifted. When I thought I might not be able to conceive, I was sad, feeling abnormal. Now that I’m actually pregnant, I’m nervous. We travel a lot because of his schedule but also because we still kept both of our apartments. We figured in a few years; we would upgrade to a house. “Should we start looking for a home now? Where?” Thinking about being a mother worries me. “What if I’m not good at it?” My childhood was difficult because of my relationship with my dad. I’ll never understand why he didn’t love me. No matter how many sessions I have with my therapist, I still can’t comprehend it. Now that he’s gone, I can’t even try to confront him about it. For a split second, I worry about being like him unable to love my child. The thought makes me emotional. Unconsciously, my arms wrap tighter around Ryan’s waist. The one arm that isn’t holding his phone hugs me back giving me a worried look.
“Are you okay?” he asks as he ends the call.
“Just thinking about my father…” I trail off.
“I won’t be like him! Our daughter will have a loving father!”
“Ryan! I do not doubt that you will be! I just don’t understand how… Besides, I told you before, Mini Ryan!”
“Either way, we will do a good job raising our child.”
I silently pray that he’s right, I have no doubts on his part but I worry about my abilities. The day is still early, meaning we both have things to do. My work distracts me from the dark thoughts that were starting to spoil my mood. By the end of my task, I’m feeling relaxed and excited again. I reach for my phone to video chat Emma and Maddy. They knew I had an appointment today.
“Hey, girls!” I greet them.
“Hey!” they say in sync.
“How are you guys today?”
“Ella! Come on, no small talk! Just give us the results!” Maddy whines.
“Sorry! Alright, so the doctor was surprised by the results, but in the end, I think it’s good news.” I keep the suspense for a minute longer. I can see them waiting for me to keep going.
“Ryan and I will have a baby!” I squeal.
“Oh, my God! A mini Ella!” Emma says, excitedly.
“No! Mini Ryan! Why do you and Ryan think I’ll have a girl?”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s mini Ella or Ryan, you’re having a baby. I’m so happy for you guys!” Maddy says.
I give them all the details on the risks and me having to stay here while Ryan goes to shoot his movie. They quickly offer their help, Maddy has vacation time available. She’ll fly in next week once he’s gone so she can stay with me. Emma doesn’t live too far, meaning she’ll be around as well. Although I still have a lot of emotions going through my mind, I feel better. Ryan is happy with the news; so are my friends. We called a few family members and some of his friends to announce the news. It definitely took people by surprise, but the reactions have been positive.