Wishful Christmas

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"Are you happy now?"

"Look what you have done?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Everyone kept attacking Rachel with so many questions. I could hear them, but my focus was no longer there.

Miles, he heard all that I said. He heard everything.


My heart ached to see him turn his back on me. No, he promised me. He promised he wouldn't leave me. He promised he would stay by my side all this Christmas. He promised he would change this Christmas.

But you messed it up. All on your own.

My tears fell and I couldn't stop them. The more u rubbed them the more they fell.

So I ran.

As fast as I could

I ran to Miles as he was getting into his car. Calling and shouting his name.

Please listen to me. Please don't go.

I couldn't make a sound. Nothing came out of my mouth but I cried out loud. My heart wept.

This pain.

I have never felt this kind of pain ever before. But watching Miles walking away from me right now? I can't take it.

"You need to come down," Dev spoke beside me. I couldn't hear him. I don't want to hear him. I take my phone out and dial Mile's number.

"Please pick up. Please let me explain. I didn't say all I wanted to say. Please..."

But he never picked up. "Shit shit. He hates me."

"We are not sure about that. Give him time, he will come back to you" Dev said, taking my hand to him. I wish I could believe him. I wish he was right. But my feelings say otherwise.

He is not coming back. I broke his trust. I broke his heart. Just like his best friend and girlfriend. I did what I promised I would never do

She was right. I am nothing but a manipulator. This was all about me and not miles. I loved the way he made me feel. The way he cared for me. I got carried away and I hurt him.

I hurt the only guy I love. Shit. I love him.

"You will go into a panic attack. Please take a deep breathe"

I turn to face dev. He was inches away from my face. My vision blurred as tears kept running down my cheeks. He rubs them and they fall again.

How? How could he be that nice to me? I am a monster? I hurt him.

"You are not a monster Alec,'' he said. His fingers caressing my cheeks. I won't believe him. God knows I do. But I can't, as Miles' face comes to mind again.

"Miles," I whispered, raising my hand to touch his face. "Your mask, where is it"

He removed my hand and touched it. But I kept looking at him. His face, his lips. Was this real? He was here. We didn't break up. He didn't leave me.

"Alec.." He spoke. But my lips were already touching his. Desperate I kiss him. Holding onto him.


Afraid all this is a nightmare. Even less, I don't want it. I don't want to lose him even in my dreams. So I kissed him more and more.

With all the strength he got, he pushed me away. Why? Why was he pushing me away? Doesn't he want me anymore?

"Am sorry, please don't push me away. Please Miles, please don't leave me" I begged. My eyes closed. Afraid that he would disappear if I open them.

"Open your eyes," he said.

That voice.

My eyes snapped open and I jumped. Falling on my butt and hurting my wrist. That's not Miles. That's my best friend.

I kissed my best friend. Dev.

He looked at me before coming to me. "Stop. Don't get closer" I said. Standing up and stumbling a bit. All eyes are on me.

My friends looked at me as if I was a shame. I am ashamed.


"Am sorry dev" with that I ran. As fast as I could.

Somehow I found myself at my sister's place. The door opened and revealed her face. It feels like she was waiting for me.

I didn't mind or think twice about it. She is my sister and the only person who knows me best.

" it's okay...everything will be okay," she said as I hugged her. I hope she is right. But when was it ever okay. She knows just like I do.

She has been saying that ever since I was young. Maybe it was her way of comforting herself.

But, this time, it wasn't okay. My heart is bleeding and I can't breathe. Every time I take a breath, only pain can be filled in my chest.

It hurt so badly.

Why does love hurt like this? Why does wanting to be with someone has to hurt like this?

"Because we want them to be with us and we forget that they are human too. They have a choice to make. Whether they choose us or not'' she answered me. Tightening the hug.

I was vulnerable in her arms. I cried like a baby and she didn't ask me to stop. But let me pour my heart out.

"I love him, can't he see that"

"He can, that's why he is hurt. He likes you too to feel betrayed"

"But I didn't betray him. I stayed with him. Played with him and did everything he was afraid of" I said. Rubbing my face so that I could see my sister properly.

She shook her head and looked at me " you never told him that his lawyer sent you. So when it came out of someone else's mouth. It hurts. Especially knowing that all you chose him was for his looks'' she said. "I know you have a good heart and a good reason. But this time? It came out at a wrong time"

But that's not all I said.

"Because you didn't say the other thing out loud little brother. Your said things to get Rachel out of the way without knowing he was beside you"

She was right. I was trying to take Rachel out of my back. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. He is much more than ugly.

And now, he is not reachable anymore. He must hate me so much

"Don't jump to conclusions. Wait for him. Let him calm down and things will be okay"

I stayed silent. Contemplating what she said. Yes. Maybe miles need time. He will come back to me. He will let me explain.

He won't let all that we spend together go to water just like that.


A week has passed now and he still is nowhere to be found. As I sit here in my apartment looking at his number that I have called more than 100 times already.

I lost him


"Mom, Dad, I think I messed up this time," I said looking at their picture on the wall. My face gets warm as a hot fluid passes through it.



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