Chapter 18: Broken Harris
Harris offered the tan man a sneaky smile that he didn’t seem to understand. His eyes were looking straight into the tan man’s eyes. He was caught by Tristan’s mesmerizing eyes, the way it portrayed confusion, excitement, and doubtful look. He guessed that Tristan was trying really hard to decipher his moods and action. He couldn’t blame the tan man, he was really confusing and did things unconsciously sometimes.
Being with Tristan was really a roller coaster for him. He could do crazy things around him even if it was not his thing. He just wanted to study hard but guess what, he seemed not to now. He was confused by himself too toward his own actions. He was not the same Harris that everyone in their home had known for so long anymore. His life was changed. Tristan and his niece changed him.
“What are you, Tristan?” That was the most stupid question that came out of his mouth before thinking. Guess that he really lost his right mind with Tristan around. And it scared yet fascinated him.
Tristan’s mouth opened and closed as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind then. He raised his eyebrows, pursuing him to answer. He lightly dug his fingers on the tan man’s waist.
“What question was that? Of course, I’m a human if you can’t see and tell. Damn it, Harris! Be serious right now. We’re facing an issue here. Stop saying nonsense!” Tristan raised his tone abruptly that caused him to jolted a little.
When he regained his composure, he pressed himself more to the tan man’s back. Feeling the heat, he snapped again. “I’m being serious here. If you want to know why I’m not bothered, then answer me first!”
“It has nothi—”
“It has! It has to do with everything in the future. So, what are you? Just answer it.”
“Is it me being straight or not?” Tristan asked with a flat tone. “Fuck! Is this some kind of guessing game?” He muttered to himself but he still heard it.
“Yes.” One word but full of conviction.
“I’m straight, okay? And about the article, sorry for that. For what happened last night, I know it’s—nevermind. It was a mistake. I’m–”
Before Tristan could even finish, he cursed loudly to make the tan man stop. He slowly stepped backward, his mind became blank all of a sudden. His heart seemed to shatter into million pieces after hearing his answer. He was straight! He was fucking straight! Yes, of course. And what he did last night was all a mistake. A mistake!
He brushed his hair and laughed like crazy. He bit his lips to avoid himself from crying. Tristan’s answer just broke him into a million pieces.
“G-Guess I was wrong. Sorry for making the issue more complicated. I’ll fix it then. I need to clear it immediately before it sets another wildfire.”
All his hope faded away in just one snap. He was caught off guard. He was devastated by himself for making his hope up. He should have listened to his mind not his heart. How could the tan man have feelings towards him, right? They were both men. At least, the man was. Because from time passing by, he was not sure of himself anymore. He felt gay with Tristan. Everything around him made him feel gay.
“W-What? What are you talking about?” Confusion was written all over Tristan’s face. He was about to reach him but he took one more step backward.
He snapped his hands and shrugged. He made sure that there was no indication of pain in his voice when he spoke. “Just that. Bye, Tristan.”
He stopped but didn’t look back. “I’m not gay either but I don’t care, does that ring any bell?” He didn’t even wait for his answer, he just walked away.
Harris stormed out of the cubicle and ran as fast as he could. His feet led him to go back to their dorm. He was thankful because Mia was not home. He could be comfortable for now. He tossed his bag nowhere in his bed and didn’t bother to change his clothes. He went down to the kitchen and looked for something to cook. He wanted to distract himself. He was too embarrassed by himself. He felt disgusted. Listening to his heart sometimes means being shameless.
After cooking, he put all the food in a container and brought it to his room. He closed the windows, dropping the curtain all over so no light could pass through. It was just his lampshade that lit the room. He sat lazily on the floor beside his bed. He shoved the food to his mouth constantly without even chewing it. He really wanted to get rid of all the feelings out of his heart. He wanted to empty his mind. Thinking about what happened to the school really made him shameless, especially when he confirmed last night to the article that something special was really going on between him and Tristan. And his heart crashed down when Tristan said he was straight, without a doubtful voice.
He shut off his phone when it started ringing and the name of his friends appeared on the screen, saying that they were worried because he was not in class.
He ignored all of them and did one thing. He cleared everything he had said about the article. He fixed it before it could start another ruckus that would make everything more complicated. Hoping that Tristan wouldn’t see or hear what he answered because it would be embarrassing when they bumped into each other again, especially at the dorm.
His eyebrows knitted when he felt something warm dropped on his cheeks. He wiped it only to realize that he was actually crying. The sobs became a loud cry all over his room. He cried out loud to ease the pain, the destructive voice on his heart persuading him to get up and confront the tan man instead of crying all out his lungs.
“Fuck! I just wanted to study here. I even skipped my grandma’s burial. Why do I have to cry all over this silly matter? What’s happening to me?” He murmured as if someone would answer all his questions.
“And what about our make-out session? Is that just a pace for him? He was just exploring something new?”
He could clearly remember what happened to them last night. He was about to confess that night but it turned out to be a hot session between them so he wanted to confess again today. But fuck! How could he be so naive! Of course, it was all just a pace to Tristan. He would never like a man.
‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’
He was crying nonstop and didn’t even realize that he was already drifting to sleep.