I was the first one in the small lounge room. I sat on a white leather couch as classical music played in the background. There was a nice gold lamp on the marble table next to me. The light nicely shined as I stared at it. I wish my heart was that bright but it was covered and coated like an obsidian rock.
I moved with my parents to Southern California because they got a better offer in a prestigious law firm but also because my parents wanted me to get away from my two suicide attempts. Yes, two attempts at taking my life and I'm still breathing. I'm not saying I'm not thankful but the pain lingers like a plague inside me. It's not as bad as it was a year ago but agony still lives in me.
"Myles Black," a young girl called me as I came out of the dark spell I was enraptured in.
I glanced up at the open door as she sweetly smiled at me. I stood up without a smile on my face. I'm not rude but I'm not exactly fond of telling my life story to a new doctor but my parents told me she's the best and my old psychologist, Mrs. Brown sent my files to this office so maybe I don't have to talk much.
I passed the young blonde with blue eyes as I entered the hallway. She walked past me as I walked the stale white hallway, reminds me of the psychiatric hospital I was in up north, thankfully I wasn't there long. She smiled and opened a wooden door which had Mrs. Fischer's name engraved outside. I walked in and it was the same setting as any psychologist room. A chair where Mrs. Fischer was already sitting and a long laying couch, her desk was off to the side. She had an exquisite bookcase on the wall and an old fashion world globe by the couch.
I heard the door close as silence eerily surrounded the atmosphere. I glanced at Mrs. Fischer, she was quite young maybe early thirties. She was very pretty with her big brown eyes and dark red lips. She adjusted her black eyeglasses as she finally smiled at me. "Myles Black, you're a handsome young man," she said sweetly. Her voice was gentle which calmed my nerves.
My heart raced as I stood there waiting for her to gesture me to sit on the laying couch, I would rather not see her eye to eye.
"Thank you," is all I managed to say. I felt droplets of sweat form on my lower back as sweat started to form on my palms.
"I would like to start with a breathing exercise, stay standing there and close your eyes," she raised her eyebrow and I knew I should listen. I closed my eyes and immediately regretted it. It was dark and I hated the dark.
"Very good, now take a deep breath," I heard her say from afar. I tried my best to take in deep breaths but I couldn't, this darkness was making me anxious.
I opened my eyes as I felt the blood rush from my face. "Myles are you ok?" She sounded concerned.
"Yes," I lied. I was terrified and I needed water.
"I'm so sorry, come sit down on the couch and I'll get you some water," she read my mind. She quickly got up and went to a mini-fridge behind her desk. I sat down and took a deep breath.
She handed me bottled water as I forced a small curve on my lips. "Thank you," I sounded like a robot.
She sat down as she grabbed her notepad. "What did you feel just right now?" She questioned but I was rather confused. My thoughts were hazy, the darkness always sucks the life out of me.
"I'm sorry. I need a minute to adjust."
She nodded as I glanced at her. I was closer and I caught another glimpse of her brown eyes, they now had a shade of green, almost like a forest. She smiled as I finally formed a genuine smile.
"I'm sorry, it's just the darkness always gets me nervous," I finally admitted.
"And why is that?" And we started our session.
"I feel trapped and alone like no one is there for me."
"But you have your parents, they love you," her voice was very calming.
I finally laid down on the couch as I looked at the ceiling. It was a creme tone, kind of like vanilla ice cream.
"Yes, but I still feel alone, like I've lost another part of me. I just feel alone and worthless sometimes."
"You start college next week right?"
I did and I have dreaded it, the only reason I got accepted was that my parents are well-known lawyers and their friend is one of the chairmen at USC. I mean my grades aren't bad either. I'm a straight-A student and I was already taking college courses in high school so that helped the process of getting accepted to the University Of Southern California.
"Yes," again my one-word responses.
"Let's try something. I want you to pick a class that you will enjoy and helps bring light to you."
"My classes are already set and I'm pretty sure I hate most of them."
"I see, what about an extracurricular activity or hobby you like to do?"
"I don't have any," my words dry and cold. I lied I do have a hobby. I like to sketch.
"I see," I heard her pen scribbling. I felt anxious again like I wasn't getting anywhere with her.
"Myles, this darkness that you dislike, where do you feel it the most, what part of your body?"
I felt it everywhere but mostly in my heart. "I feel it lingering inside my heart."
I heard her pen scribble something else. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
I smirked. "No."
I smirked again.
"Any friends at the moment?" She asked.
I had friends up north but I wasn't allowed to see them. I was in a psych ward for a few days and then released on high observation. My parents didn't let me have any visitors and that was fine with me because I'd rather be alone. I would only go to my psychiatrist appointments. I still get my medication from her but it's very minimal. I take two pills but one is only when I have severe depression and unwanted thoughts.
"No," I answered plain.
The next hour was very boring. She was nice and tried to make me laugh but it was useless. I couldn't be all sunlight, maybe once I get to know her. I'll open up more but for now, I just couldn't.
"Our time is up. Myles, I would like to get to know you but I need your help as well. I know I'm your new psychologist but I want to work as a team. I do want to help you," I sat up and glanced at her. I gave her a small smile.
"I'll see if I could find an activity that interests me," I said as she smiled.
"See, you're already making progress," her sweet voice was perfect for me.
I left the office as I made my way to the nearest Starbucks. I needed my daily dose of coffee, even though I shouldn't but I darted out of my house early this morning and didn't get anything to eat or drink.
I parked my car behind the Starbucks that was on the corner. It was a bit breezy as I put my hoodie over my head, perfect at least I'll hide from everyone. I opened the door as the whiff of coffee bean struck my nostrils.
Thankfully, there wasn't a line so I was next to order. I contemplated on a caramel macchiato but decided on an earl grey tea with a blueberry muffin. The barista happily took my order. I paid and went to stand by the pickup section. I glanced around and it was pretty calm but then again it was almost the afternoon, the storm had passed and maybe it will pick up in the late evening.
I saw a couple of people with backpacks so I'm guessing the university isn't so far from here. They called my name as I grabbed my hot cup of tea and brown bag with my fluffy muffin. I spotted an empty table far away from the public eye.
I made my way towards the table when I walked past the front door as it flew open and someone bumped into me. The hot tea splattered on part of my neck and down my hoodie. "Fuck!" I yelled. I almost blacked out from how hot the tea was.
"Shit dude. I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" A husky voice traveled towards me.
"Does it fucken look like I'm ok?" I even dropped my muffin on the floor. I saw some crumbs scattered from the opening of the brown bag. I felt my neck was on fire. I kicked the muffin hard as it slammed on the wall. Myles, control yourself. It was an accident.
"I'm really sorry dude," his deep voice was more clear now. I finally glanced at him and the pain immediately went away. His green eyes were like emeralds and his skin was flawless. His brown hair was perfectly combed and his lips were full, with the perfect pink tone. His jawline was perfectly carved as I noticed his beard was slightly growing.
I noticed he had a jacket with the letter USC stitched on the front of his cardinal red and gold jacket. He must play some sort of sport. He straightened himself up as I felt all eyes were on us. He stood above me as his broad shoulders were now noticeable.
"It's fine," I pushed past his shoulders and darted out of the Starbucks. The rage built inside me again. I heard someone yell out.
"Hey man, come back, I'll buy you another drink."
I ignored him. I got to my car and got inside. I finally broke down into tears. I sat in my car in complete silence as tears rolled down my cheeks. My face did fold into an ugly cry. I just simply let my tears run down. I let the darkness take over and I was numb again. I needed my pill or else I will fall into a dark abyss, an endless hole that I tried so hard not to fall into.