My back is pressed against the cool walls of the hospital, with my head in my hands and tears spilling from my eyes. I haven't been given any answers, any update's. I'm so lost and the developing impatience in my muscles is only growing. My heart twisting inside my chest and the knots in the pit of stomach churning. An acidity developing in my stone cold soul as feeling's of deception overwhelm me to the core. I wish I knew he was okay, but I'm also pissed off. I want to smash his perfect little face against the wall.
He was supposed to get married?
Why didn't he tell me.
How could he do that?
Why did he lie to me?
Why didn't he have the ball's to tell me he was an engaged man?
The pain in my heart expands to the scorching outer edges developing a sickening bile to rise in the back of my mind, leaving more tears pouring down my face. My hands forming a deadly fist and my throat tightening from crying so much.
None of it was even real was it?
Our deep passionate kisses.
Our lovey moments in the kitchen this morning. I fought through my buried doubt to give him something deep inside of me and all the while he's engaged.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I should of just stayed away from him and none of this would've even happened. “Ana?" I recognize Brit's voice through broken, unsaid words. "Hey." I wheep. My chest clinching in a mixture of immenit anger and utter worry in hopes that he's okay. Oh who am I kidding I want to feel his lips against mine again even it's the biggest mistake I can make. He put the pieces back together and then shattered them to a whole other level.
"How are you holding up?" She rubs my back tyring to relieve the pressure hanging on me. I blink back more tears and the knots in my stomach create a violent storm of emotions. "I-I'm not good." I admit pressing my fist into my forehead. "He'll be okay." She encourage's. "He will, but...I won't." I sigh. "Why?" She asks while furrowing her brows together. "He's supposed to be engaged to another woman and he never told me. I had s*x with him last night and he never FUCKING told me!" The veins in my neck strain against my skin while the soreness from my muscles making me wince.
“He didn't tell you because he was never going to marry her. They were betrothed, yes, but he never wanted to marry her." Spencer interjects. His green eyes indifferent with his arms crossed over his white cardigan and black jeans. I give him a cold glare. "He almost went through for the sake of the family, but if I hadn't taken him to the gala...he wouldn’t have found you. After that, he refused to marry her." Spencer states and walks near Zayn's door, looking through the glass. It doesn't make the abrasion in my chest hurt any less. "Ana just let it go." Brit shakes my arm.
Let it go?
How can I possibly let that go?
Anger starts to peak inside of me, yet dissolving every time I look over at that door hoping he'll come crawling through. The aching for him deep down makes it seem like a possibility. "I love him Brit. I don't want him near that woman." I declare. "You have that right, but for right now.." Brit pauses swallowing a large ball of saliva. "...that man in there needs you. He needs you Ana. Be there for him and let your pride go for one minute." Brit gives me a hard look with her hazel eyes and I go back and forth between right and wrong, but one tear falling down my face sends me running for the hills.
I sob into Brit's shirt as stinging sensations rip through my body and destroy's any self-preservation I have. The intanglments in my core contorting into a tight rope of pure worry. "Shush." Brit runs her hand in my hair attemting to soothe the panic inside of me, but every time the clock on the walls ticks it makes every fiber in me swell. The tears drowning my face in the radiating anger I feel for him cutting me into shred's for the deep love I feel for him. I've fallen so hard I can barely pick up the pieces clattering to the floor and every time I reach out to pick them up, I fall even harder into the void that his him.
He's all I have now.
All all I've ever wanted and it terrifies me. The thought of losing him in a blink of a eye makes any and all frustration crawl into a hole and die. "How is he?" Spencer voice breaks me from my solace thoughts as he converses with the doctor. "He is going to be okay?" I lunge from the bench. "Mr. Thorne suffered many contuisions from the bullet and we had to perform immediate surgery." A bomb drops in my stomach and I stagger over my own feet. "We are remaining hopeful that he will make it, but right now he has a long road ahead of him." The doctor explains and my heart stops beating as it falls to the ground. My lungs snatched from inside of my ribcage.
Is he dead?
God please no.
Finally the ears rupture from my eyes and my feet faltor. "Ana!" Brit screams in horror as my body crashes onto the tile. "Ana!" Brit stresses. "What happened!" Spencer shouts. "She collasped." Brit cries out. "Let's get her off the floor." Spence cradles his arms around my torso and picks me up from the ground, laying me onto the couch in the hallway. “Ana are you okay?" Brit rasps. I murmur quietly and Brit exhales vastly bringing my body into her's. "Don't scare me like that ever again Anastasia!" She scolds, hugging me tightly. "Let...go." I gasp. "You scared the hell out of me you asshole!" Brit screams. I chuckle a little. "I scared myself." I admit. A numb feeling filling me. "I-can see him?" I turn to the doctor.
"He's been calling after you since he left surgery." The doctor smiles. I don't waste anytime racing for his door and swinging it open. "Zayn." I run over to where his body lay limbly in the hospital bed; the color of his skin a pale white. Tears brim my eyes once again threatening to spill at any moment. "Zayn?" I call out. I small hum whirrs from the heart-rate monitor showing me he's still alive. I kneel against his bed and slump my head down on the covers where his hand rest's. "I'm so sorry." I cry.
Maybe if I had known what was coming he would be breathing and smiling in front of me. Maybe we would be kissing until sundown or I'd be screaming at him to stop teasing me, but that's was I miss. I miss him and I have no idea if I'll ever get him back. Even though I'm furious at him for being betrothed to someone else and not telling me, It fades away every time I see his muted face contorted into nothing. The pain twisting and turning my core while his chest heaves steadily up and down. "Ana." Brit gives me a small smile.
"Ana." Zayn whisper's in his sleep and my ears perk up. "Zayn?" The corner's of his mouth twitching softly. "He'll be okay. I'm sure of it." Brit reassure's me. I lifted my mouth solemnly while taking his cold hand in mine. "Let me get you a chair." Brit suggests. "It's okay." I tell her. "Can I be alone with him?" I ask with pleading eyes. She nod's exiting and shutting the door behind her. I turn to face his quiet state and my forehead meets our locked hands. "Ana." He calls out and it makes my heart leaps from my chest. I want to tell him that I'm right here. That I'll never leave, but he won't hear me. I shut my eyes lingering over him and exhale. Finally my eyes reopen after I drown in guilt for the next twenty minutes and walk over to wide open window where I stare out into the bottomless abyss of the sky.
"B-Baby?" Zayn calls out after the hours pass without a second glance. A single tear slides down my swollen face when I turn to his eyes that try to break though the barriers of his lids. "Zayn!" I bawl. I race over once his eyes open fully in the battle between sight and sleep. "Ana?" He asks. "I'm here." I squeeze his hand and his head turns to the side. "Is this heaven?" He asks. My breath suffocates me. "No I'm real. Your real. You're alive." I say. A smile creeps up on his lips all-the-while another tear leaves my eye. "Are y-you crying baby?" His voice soft. I nod my head when a stream of liquid falls down. "How can I not? I thought I lost you in a blink of an eye." I swallow the lump in my throat.
"You didn't lose me baby. I'm alive...just like you said." He smiles wholeheartedly. "Please. Please don't do that to me ever again. I've spent the last eight hours rocking back and fourth blaming myself that you could've died." I tell him. "It wasn't your fault Ana. Baby people come after me everyday." He crushes my palm with his. "This time they got you. Zayn you almost died and took me with you." I sniffle. "Ana." His face spirals downward at my confession; his hand gently attempting to lift my arm, but his strength is frayed.
"I love you. You can't leave me. You can't do that to me."
I lock our lips together passionately and place my hand on his cheek. His hand hanging onto me for dearlife. "I love you." He whisper's. "But I love you more. So much more." I kiss him harder this time as his hand cups my face. “I'm sorry I scared you." He whispers. "You did more than scare, but know how you can make it up to me." I smile. "Oh...yeah definitely." He chuckles. I laugh as Spencer walks over. "You look like shit." He says. "I still look better than you." Zayn jokes. I giggle as the tears finally dissipate.
"I'd have to disagree with you. Spence is pretty hot." Brit joins in. "We shall see." I sqeeze Zayn's hand. "If your challenging me Spence will win. He's a champ in bed." Brit laughs as Spencer's eye go wide in embarrassment. "I don't know...Zayn is pretty banging." I wink at her. Her mouth falls to the floor. Zayn laughs in his fragile state, but it makes me smile and all ill feelings fade.
So this is love?
I'm starting to like it even if that label's me insane. I guess I'm insane.