Yesterday I had the best experience of my life. No matter how well I try to explain the feeling I can never explain what I felt at that time. The sensation was different like for that moment I was not me, I was someone else, not fearing I can die the next day. Yesterday I and Dexter had our first kiss! I loved every second of it. The pleasure and warmth it brought can never be explained in any language. The things I could never even think of doing becomes easy and possible around him. It's like when I'm with him I'm not myself...or the other way round, my true self comes out! He makes me realize what I'm capable of doing. Ahhh...that's the only regret I have. I might be capable of doing a lot but my capacity seems to act as a barrier. Every day I try hard to pretend that nothing is happening. Everything is going to be fine. I'll make through. But that's it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted of lieing to him, lieing to myself. This can never work out. We can never be a thing. I need to tell him before it gets too late!
I closed my diary and massaged my forehead. While fiddling with the pen i let my mind roam to yesterday. A lot of things happened in one day and it feels like everything is happening in fast forward mode while I am just sitting and watching my life play before me.
The first thought that came to my head as soon as I woke up today was : how the hell am I gonna face Dexter? I shouldn't have kissed him on the cliff. In fact I shouldn't have admitted that I liked him. But deep down I know that I don't regret saying it because maybe if I didn't say it yesterday I would've regretted it my whole life and even later if that's possible.
If I end this all without an explain action he'll be hurt and obviously I don't want taut but I tell him about angina he'll be even more sad and I don't want to gain sympathies. But either way I need to end this.
Ugh!!! I hate feeling weak.
I stood up and fidgeted in my bag for medicines. Great we're out of them now. Suddenly my phone rang.
" Hey!" Celeste's voice echoed.
" Though I'm really mad at you for ditching me and choosing my brother but right now is I've got bigger news."
" I'm sorry. I should've told you. What's the news though?"
" If you're standing then sit down because you might fall down after hearing this." She happily shrieked.
" Helloooo Sylvia!" I heard a voice behind Celeste.
" Sebastian is that you?" I asked.
" Yeah it's him." Celeste answered.
" So what's the news?"
" We're getting married!" They both shouted together.
" Woah woah slow down."
" I'm sorry Sylvia. I know we should have told you earlier but believe me we just figured out too." Sebastian spoke while grabbing the phone.
" Yeah you should have told me earlier but at least you invited me." I chuckled.
" Of course. " He replied.
" What do you think Sylvia?"!Celeste asked nervously.
" Well I think if you both think it's the right decision and you guys can tolerate each other for the rest of your lives then boom go get married." They both began to laugh.
" See, I told you Sylvia would approve this." Sebastian spoke to Celeste.
" Okay Sylvia now I talked to Dexter earlier and you both are coming tomorrow which for you is today. I don't want any delays."
I was shocked. Why didn't he tell me this?
" When is the the wedding?"
" In about 4 days and yes don't get worried about the dress and everything. I and your mother are taking care of those things."
" Thank you."
" Anytime! Here talk to Seb."
" You'll be coming, right?" His voice was slow like he was afraid of the answer he'll get.
" Of course. It's your wedding after all." I tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible.
" You okay? I mean is everything's okay at your end?" I know what he was referring to: my disease and everything with Dexter. That was the thing in him, he always knew when I wasn't well or when something wasn't right with me.
" Yeah. Yeah."
Suddenly the door creaked and in walked the last person I wanted to see.
" Morning." He greeted in his husky voice.
" Hey, Seb I'll talk to you later and many congratulations."
" Thank youuuu!" I heard Celeste in the back as he ended the call.
Dexter walked towards me in his dress pants and high neck shirt. While closing the distance between us he handed me tea cup while intentionally brushing his hands with mine.
" Thanks." I put the cup on coffee table and looked away.
He watches me carefully while sipping through his cup. I pretend to look outside the window.
" I had fun yesterday, thanks for everything."
That’s the thing about him. Whenever I think about just ending things with him, he becomes extra nice, not that he’s never nice to me.
I didn't know what he was thanking for; sky diving, cliff jumping or that kiss. I mumbled a quick 'anytime' and went back to observing the window.
Maybe I should pretend like nothing happened between us yesterday.
" Sebastian and Celeste are getting married in four days. We should leave today."
" Your parents are coming too."
" I-Sy- you and I- " I interrupted him quickly.
" We can't be a thing."
Instead of looking confused he was nonchalant.
" Look I know I gave you hope and acted like I've feelings for you but the truth is I don't. I'm sorry. I really am but we can't continue what we started on on that cliff. It began in Switzerland and it should also end here. Now." I was afraid to meet his gaze but still I looked up.
He was still observing me while his hands were folded on his chest.
" And may I ask why?"
" Because...because I don't like you." It didn't sound as convincing as I wanted it to.
He sighed and unfolded his hands.
" Sy, I think there's something you're hiding from me. I know there is. Tell me and I promise I won't make you regret telling me. " He stated sincerely.
" No there isn't. I told you I don't like you." This time it sounded even more fake then before. I was about to break down. I knew it. I could feel it bubbling up.
He took a step closer but I stepped back from him.
" Look I won't hurt you. I promise but please don't give up on me like this. We can figure things out together. Like we always do."
" Why don't you get this once. I don't have feelings for you!" My voice got stuck half way in my throat.
He was took off guard by my sudden raise in voice.
" If you don't trust me enough to tell me then it's fine but don't doubt the love you have for me." He stated in his commanding and deadly cold voice.
I didn't say anything except drank the tears that were threatening to fall.
" Just give me a single good reason to not love you and I swear I won't." He stepped very close.
" Get out." I whispered. The only phrase I could manage at that time. If he continued to say more I was afraid I'll tell him.
" I.fucking.love. you!" He shouted and the whole room shivered around us. I felt like my body would fall any minute now. My head was spinning too.
" Tell me why?!" He shouted again. Suddenly I felt scared of him. The way he looked at that moment was like I was looking at a stranger. His eyes showed hurt and like he wanted me to say it very bad.
" Because I'm dying!" I shouted as my voice broke down. As I looked up I saw tears escape his eyes too.
" I've atherosclerosis and doctors say I don't have enough time." I choked. Finally relieved to say it at the same time guilty for him.
" Why Did you take so long to tell me?" He questioned.
" Dexter I-"
" Did you not trust me enough?" More tears escaped.
" I did. I just...I didn't want you t-"
" Did you think my love for you would go away if I knew?" He was purely hurt.
" No Dex- "
" Then know that it didn't. Sy I...I knew about this."
I looked at him confusingly.
"Back in Canada I followed you to Doctor Clythia's office and later when you left she told me about your disease. " He couldn't look up and meet my gaze.
Everything began to spin again. Suddenly everything began to make sense. Why I found him in the hospital and his lame excuse of seeing a friend. Why he never questioned me about my medicines and why he always ordered the same food as me.
And then it hit me.
" Accompanying me on this trip was your plan, wasn't it?" My voice was shaking. I just wanted him to say no. Just say it.
He didn't say anything. And I knew it.
" What else was your plan, huh? Fulfill a dying girl's wishes and pretend like you love her so she can die happily. But guess what I don't need your love and your damn support. I hate your sympathies!" I shouted.
I didn't know what I was saying but I just wanted to get away from all this. Away from him.
" No it's not like this." Was all he could say as he continued to shake his head.
" Oh and I bet you told my parents too because that's why you've been in contact with them. After all you love pretending to love all the parents because your died way too soon." I regretted it as soon as I said that . He looked up as tears rolled down his cheeks and hatred reflected from his eyes.
" First of all I don't pretend to love someone I don't love and secondly I didn't do any of the things out of sympathy. I did them because I wanted to. Because I. Fucking. love. You!" He screamed the last sentence right onto my face.
" If you didn't do this out of sympathy then why didn't you tell me?"
" Because you wouldn't have brought me on this trip then. That's your problem you don't let your guard down. You don't let the people see that you're hurt because you think it'll hurt them but in actual you're hurting them by hiding from them."
I looked away as tears rolled down my cheeks. He brought his forehead against mine and with his thumb caressed my cheek.
" You've to leave me." I whispered.
" I can't. Believe me I can't."
I pulled away.
" I can't hurt you more than I already did and I'm sorry for all the suffering you had to do because of me. " I stood up and was about to exit the room when he stopped me by grabbing my hand.
" I didn't do this out of sympathy." His voice was hoarse like something got stuck in his throat.
" By not telling me and just controlling my life makes you no less then my parents."
I didn't turn around instead I pulled my hand free from his grip.
" You're right I don't let people see I'm hurt because that makes me weak and from childhood I taught myself to be my own consolation during hurt."
As I shut the door behind me I heard him choke.