#11 Drunk, horny and empty
No matter how hard I try, I don’t get to drive to the concert with Jagger. Khiêm, Marcus and Yoah all got into his car right away, and Pooja beat me to it when it came to claiming the last seat in his car. Which means I’m stuck with Gracie and Sebastian making out beside me while Rose and Tommy ride up front. Great.
Rose tries to involve everyone in the conversation, asking me question about what it’s like to be Marcus’ sister, how Dshawn is doing – who she calls Uncle Dshawn, which I have to say it kind of cute – and how I like being a hairdresser. It’s hard not to like her, although her continuous questions are a little annoying. Tommy seems distracted, and I bet it’s because of Jagger’s brother Yoah. I don’t know how the fuck Rose isn’t catching onto the fact that these two have something going on between them. I wonder if it’s truly something sexual like me and Khiêm figured it might be. Maybe they just know a secret about each other, or one used to bully the other or something. It surely felt like there was a lot of sexual tension between them, though. Almost as thick as between Rose and Jagger.
I wish someone would like at me like that. Sure, guys want to sleep with me, but they don’t look at me the way Jagger and Rose look at each other, neither do they stare at me with stars in their eyes like Tommy has been doing to Yoah all night long. Hell, I’d even settle for someone like Sebastian at this point, who doesn’t seem able to stop groping Gracie. I don’t think I’ve seen them break apart for more than a minute.
My mind goes to Randy and Xavier, and I suppress a shudder. The way they looked at me, such disdain in their eyes… That’s what sleeping around gets me, I guess. I’m easy, boring, uneducated, and just not worthy of more than the way they treated me. I want more, but I’m not sure if I deserve more. So far, no one seems to think I do. What if they’re right? What if this is all I’ll ever get in life? A job I don’t particularly care for, no goals, no guy who wants me for more than a quick fuck…
“Hey, are you okay?” Tommy asks, looking over his shoulder at me. “You look a little pale.”
“Yeah, fine,” I lie, smiling tightly.
“Oh God, did I tire you with my rambling?” Rose asks, laughing at herself. “I know I can be a bit much when you just meet me.”
“Baby, you’re a lot even after years of knowing you,” Tommy says, giving his girlfriend a sweet smile.
“True story,” Gracie chimes in, pulling her lips away from Seb’s neck just long enough to tease Rose. “You’re exhausting.”
“I’m just a little tired,” I say, smiling as they distract me from my thoughts. “I’ll be fine.”
We arrive at our destination not long after, and I stumble a little during the walk from the parking garage to the arena. Stupid high heels.
“I’ve got you,” Khiêm says, looping his arm through mine. “Wobbly in the knees just from being in my presence, huh?”
“Yeah, sure, it’s you that’s making me stumble,” I reply, laughing. “Not the uneven ground and the high heels. It’s you, sexy beast.”
He grunts. “I know you’re only kidding, but I could definitely get used to that nickname.”
“Nope, not kidding, I’m so hot for you,” I reply in my most breathy voice.
“I figured,” he says utterly serious. “All girls fall for my charms eventually. It’s the shirt, right? I know I look good in black.”
“I bet you’d look even better out of it,” I joke, giving him an over-exaggerated wink.
Khiêm laughs and nudges me, almost making me fall over, catching me just in time to make sure I don’t actually land face-down on the pavement. “You’re nothing like Marcus.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“Oh, it is,” he tells me, still holding onto my arm as we keep walking.
“Isn’t Marcus your best friend?” I ask curiously, looking over at my brother who is ahead of us, talking to Tommy.
“Yeah, which means I know him well enough to know he’s a doofus.”
I grin at the word doofus. “I can’t wait to hear your take on Bee.”
“Oh God, don’t get me started,” Khiêm grumbles. “That cunt should choke on her own traitorous tongue.”
I’ve never heard anyone say something that mean about Bee, but I wholeheartedly agree with him. She’s not a bad person or anything, I get along with her alright, but she makes Marcus miserable more often than she makes him happy. He deserves better.
Khiêm lets go of me when we’re at the arena, but he stays close to me, and I’m grateful for his easy banter. Jagger is occupied with Yoah, the others all know each other, and Marcus is looking down at his phone the whole time, so Khiêm is all I’ve got. Besides, I think I misjudged him that first time we met. He’s not as bad as I thought he was. It’s easy to feel comfortable around him, and the way he flirts with anything and anyone is kind of funny. He even winks at Yoah a few times, making the poor 19-year-old extremely uncomfortable. When he starts making innuendos at Tommy, I can’t help but laugh so hard that a snort comes out at the end.
When the first band starts playing, I’m already buzzed from all the beers and shots Sebastian and Khiêm keep getting for everyone. At first all the alcohol does is make me happy and loose, spurring me on to dance, but the more I drink, the heavier my thoughts are getting. When the band Superfical starts playing a song about break-ups and feeling worthless, I can’t help but feel like it’s about me. Especially the line He didn’t need long to see that he’s so much better than me. That’s true for every guy I’ve ever dated or slept with.
Jagger puts a hand on my shoulder like he can feel that I’m drowning in my thoughts, and he keeps it there while we all sing along to the chorus. He’s such a good guy, and he’s always taking care of everyone around them. Maybe he could fix me. He couldn’t fix Celeste, but she was beyond saving. I’m not that far gone, not by a long shot. Maybe being with a guy like Jagger could make me a better person. He’s the best of all of us. He deserves better than me, but maybe I could become worthy of a guy like that if I tried hard enough.
The more I drink, the more intense the thought gets. If I try hard enough, I might make him want me. He dances with me, but then again, he dances with everyone, so I’m not sure if that means anything. Tommy and Rose are grinding against each other, Gracie has a boyfriend as well, and Pooja is gay, so I don’t have any competition tonight.
“Here,” Sebastian says, handing me two more shots. “Drink up, pretty lady.”
I roll my eyes at the comment, but down the shots anyway. The second they’re gone, Sebastian hands me a beer and winks at me before pulling Gracie against him, grinding against her from behind. His eyes are on me as he dances with his girlfriend – if you can call what he’s doing dancing, since it’s pretty fucking close to dry-humping in public.
I turn away from his intense stare and lock eyes with Jagger, who immediately grins at me, pulling a hand through his messy hairdo. I reach over to push a strand behind his ear, and he doesn’t move away. In fact, I swear he leans into my touch a little.
“Hey!” Marcus yells into my ear, his arm going around my waist. “Don’t even think about it, Nia.”
“What?” I ask, batting my lashes at my brother.
“My friends are off-limits,” he says, giving me a stern look. “Sleep with someone else. Or better yet, keep your lady-boner in your pants for once.”
“I’m wearing a dress.”
He doesn’t deign that with a response, glancing down at his phone instead. On his screen is a text from Beatrice, telling him she missed him. She’s got her hooks into my brother so fucking deep that it should be illegal. She could have it all with him if she wanted to. He wants her to move in with him, to wake up in his arms every single morning, he wants to spoil her and hold her and love her, and all she does is pull him in, cut him off, reel him back in, and break things off again.
“Yeah!” I hear Khiêm shouts beside me, and I turn in his direction. “Pink Angels!”
The main band of the night walks onstage, causing everyone to yell and whistle. The two women – the pianist and the singer – have bright pink hair, and their husbands who drum and play guitar are in shirt in that exact same color. The singer is a good friend of my brother’s girlfriend Shaughna and I’ve watched Pink Angels play before. They’re epic. They seem ever better than normal tonight, hitting every single note.
Sebastian keeps handing me shots, and I keep throwing them back, still having a hard time not connecting ever lyric to something in my life. The more I drink, the clearer Randy’s face becomes in my mind, Xavier’s scowl, their mean words…
I don’t even notice Pink Angels being replaced by the next band. I stumble into Jagger at one point, and when I steady myself, my hand is on his ass. Deciding to just go for it, I squeeze him and move my hand over to his abdomen, curious to see how he’ll react.
Jagger turns around and puts some space between us, shaking his head. “Nia, no.”
I move closer, fueled by liquid courage, loneliness and the fact that I’ve wanted him since I was 16. “Just for tonight,” I say pushing myself up against him and moaning softly when I feel his cock come to life against me. His mouth may be saying no, but his body is screaming yes. “I’m so hot for you, Jagger.”
There is no denying the lust in his eyes, and he’s not moving away from me. He’s horny, just like me. Fuck, I might finally get my shot with him. At this point, I don’t even care if it will last for longer than one night. It’s obvious he’s lonely too, and I doubt he’s been with anyone since his divorce. He must be ready to burst, and if I happen to be there to help him out…
“Just sex,” I moan into his ear, hoping to spur him on. “No strings attached.” When he still doesn’t step out of my embrace, I move my hand to his crotch, rubbing his erection while I grind against his thigh, feeling need build in every inch of my body.
I’m so fucking horny right now. I need to feel wanted again. At this point, I don’t even care if it’s just for a quick fuck. If a guy like Jagger wants me, I can’t be that bad, can I?
“Please,” I beg when he freezes and doesn’t say anything back. “Just for tonight. Let’s find a restroom, a dark alley, anything, anywhere, however you want me. I’m so horny.”
“You’re drunk,” he says, grabbing my shoulders to hold me at a safe distance. “No, Nia.”
I try to get closer to him, but he won’t let me.
He got hard for me, but he doesn’t want me. Not even for a quick fuck in an alley.
I’m not even good enough for that anymore.
Sex is the only thing I’m good at, the only thing guys ever want me for, and now I can’t even use the promise of my mouth and my wet pussy to get a guy to stick around for at least one night.
Sebastian hands me another beer, and I gulp it down, motioning for him to give me his as well. He grins and leaves to get me something stronger, returning with shots, which we take together. Gracie comes over to give him a kiss, but Rose drags her off to dance soon after.
Before long, I start feeling dizzy, so I make my way through the crowd to find a quiet spot near a concessions stand, taking deep breaths to steady myself. I only end up more nauseous. When I open my eyes, everything is spinning, and I have to grab a trashcan to keep myself from falling over.
“I’ve got you,” a deep male voice says, putting my arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry, Nia, I’ve got you.”
I lean against him, trying to figure out who’s holding me. “Jagger?” I ask, my eyes falling shut. He doesn’t smell like Jagger, but who else would come over to take care of me? It’s not Marcus’ voice, that’s for sure.
“I’ve got you,” he says again, putting and arm under my knees and pulling me against his chest, carrying me for a while before putting me back down, his arm around my waist, helping me walk.
The cold air sobers me up a little, although I still feel drunk as fuck, and horny. So horny. I look over at Jagger, only to realize it’s not Jagger at all. It’s Sebastian.
“Where are we going?” I ask, stumbling in my heels.
“I got the car keys so you can lie down,” he says softly. “You don’t look so well. You should lie down until the others are ready to go.”
“Okay,” I agree, too dizzy to argue.
Somehow, we make it to the car, and he helps me onto the backseat, sliding in after me and shutting the door. I slump against the backrest, my dress riding up as I do.
“Fuck, you’re sexy,” Sebastian growls, his hand moving between my legs immediately, his fingers sliding aside my soaked panties and finding my clit without difficulty. “I’ve never been with a black girl before. Wonder if it feels any different.”
For a moment, I consider moving away, but the though of moving makes me queasy, and my pussy is already spasming around his fingers as he starts fingerfucking me nice and slow, just the way I like it. His mouth finds mine, and I allow myself to get lost in the kiss.
“Fuck, I need you,” he grunts as he pulls away, yanking off my panties before opening his zipper so he can free his cock. He grabs me and pulls me on top of him, and I sort of fall over him, too far gone to care. At least someone wants me. Jagger doesn’t. Xavier doesn’t. Randy doesn’t. No one does. But Sebastian does.
He slams me down on him, filling me up. He tries to push me up a little and orders me to ride him, but my limbs are too heavy, so he just thrusts up into me again and again, grunting my name.
“Gonna come,” Sebastian grunts into my ear. “Fuck, you’re so wet.”
Suddenly, someone yanks at my hair, and I yelp out in pain. Sebastian slips out of me as I’m forced out of the car, my skull aching from how hard my hair is being pulled.
There is yelling. So much yelling.
The words don’t seem to register in my mind, and I stumble and fall. Strong arms pull me up before I land on the ground, and I lean back against something hard and cold. I shiver as my dress gets pulled down with force, and I try to see what’s going on, but my vision it too blurry.
More yelling, grunts, the sound of a fight.
I blink and rub my face, and finally the world comes back into focus. Jagger is standing over Sebastian, who is on the ground in a messy heap, grunting in pain. Rose is rubbing Gracie’s back, who is crying.
“Oh no,” I breathe, finally realizing what I’ve done. “Oh no no no…”
“You bitch!” Gracie yells, throwing herself at me.
I don’t make a move to stop her, but Jagger and Rose do. They keep her away from me while I bend over, retching. I feel like my insides are about to come out, but while I can taste the bile already, nothing comes out of my mouth.
Somewhere in all the chaos, Sebastian and Jagger start fighting again, and blood is streaming down Sebastian’s face when I look back up. Jagger yells in Sebastian’s face, and then he’s shoved into a car, the door slamming shut behind him.
Gracie is on the floor a few feet away from me, sobbing into her hands.
“I’m sorry,” I manage to get out right before I start throwing up. My stomach empties itself completely, and even when I’ve got nothing left to give, my body keeps trying to puke more, forcing out every last drop inside of me.
Gentle hands pull back my hair and rub my back, and I know without looking it’s Jagger. He was right not to take me up on my offer to fuck. Why would he want me?
“Come on,” Jagger says softly when I’ve stopped puking. He wipes my mouth with a tissue and helps me into the car. He crouches down to take off my heels, putting them in the trunk, where he grabs a blanket to cover me up since my dress keeps riding up and I’m not wearing panties anymore. He even hands me a bottle of water and some more tissues. When he sees my hands are trembling too hard, he wipes my face for me before shutting the door and leaving me alone in the car.
No, not alone. I realize I’m in the passenger seat. Behind me, in the backseat, is Sebastian.
“Why did you do that?” I ask, tears starting to pour out, making me even more wet and cold than I already was.
“Takes two to tango,” he growls, holding his bleeding nose. “It’s not like you tried to fight me off, you slut.”
I don’t respond. I just close my eyes as the tears keep flowing and my stomach churns, trying to see if there is more to throw out of my system.
There isn’t. I’m empty.
Completely empty in every sense of the word.