It's not because I don't like sitting idle and wasting time, believe me I'm not a hard worker. It's because when I'm left alone, without anything to occupy my mind, my thoughts drift to dangerous territories. You might think a person who has decided to kill themself at the age of 14 would be fine thinking about dark things but no, I wasn't. It still hurt to look at my reality, all the thoughts about "what my life could've been" leave me feeling hollow. Confronting my life is still something I avoid cause every time I try to open that box, all hell breaks lose.
I think about all this as soon as I wake up, even though I don't want to think about these things, thoughts like these never leave my mind, They're always with me like a shadow but I don't think I want them gone completely either cause they're reminders of how strong I've been all this time, I've survived through years of shit and even if I want to end it all it doesn't mean I'm weak.
I get up from my bed, and rush to the bathroom quietly so as to not wake my father up, I don't have time to do chores today, I already woke up late. I need to get ready for school. I am a junior in highschool, which is another hell I have to deal with. I brush my teeth, do my daily routine and come out of the bathroom ready to go through another day of misery.
I pick up my bag from where I dropped it on my bedroom floor yesterday and quietly make my way down the stairs, avoiding that one squeaky step, my father is a light sleeper he wakes up from the slightest of noise.
I make a run for the door and as soon as I was about to get out I hear the devil scream "AVA!!" I was so close, damn it.
"Yea dad?" I screamed back, I knew it would be stupid to ignore him, I did that once and the consequences were not preety. Let's just say I had to spend 3 days in the emergency room which resulted in quite a lot of bills which further infuriated my father. Poor Maddie ended up "accidentally" falling down the stairs a day after all my medical bills were paid.
"Make me a cup of tea!" I heard my father scream. I couldn't do that, I'll be late for school, which meant they'll send a message to my dad which meant he'll scream at me and trash the house but if I say no right now, he'll do the same thing. I was dead either way.
Well I better try my luck, maybe the goddesses will go easy on me today.
"Dad I'll get late for school, I can't" I screamed back. I didn't hear anything for sometime and I thought he went back to sleep but then I heard his footsteps and a loud crashing noise. Well, hear we go.
"You bitch! I pay for everything around here, I work like a dog and you can't make me tea?!? you fucking slut! I swear I should beat you kids with a fucking stick, that'll set you straight" he threw something else, I saw him make his was down the stairs. He took a photo frame that was kept on a small table beside the foot of the stairs and threw it right at my face.
It missed me by a centimetre, it had a picture of me and my sister. He always broke that one.
" You better get me my tea or else I'll throw you and your useless sister and mother out on the streets with no clothes on your back, you fucking bitch" I hung my head, rolled my eyes and went inside the kitchen to make him tea.
After she reaches school
I was late, which meant a message was going to my father saying the same and I'll have to deal with his wrath again. I was currently in the middle of my english, I loved the subject. I loved reading, it was a way for me to escape my reality and live in someone else's. I was good at it too and scored really well. I don't really pay attention in this class though, I've already read everything we were assigned and the teacher has nothing more to teach me.
So as usual I look out the window, at the trees and the sky.
"Ava!" I heard my name. I looked to the front and saw Mr.Joy and the rest of the students looking at me. Oh crap, I quickly looked at the blackboard, Jane Austen, we were studying the writer Jane Austen. I knew everything about her.
I stood up with my mouth open, ready to pour out the immense amount of information I had on Jane Austen but Mr.Joy stopped me.
"We all know you know everything about everything I teach in this class, my question was, the one you clearly missed since you were so busy being lost in wonderland, what are u thinking so deeply about Alice?" He liked to do that, calling me Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Even though I was good in this subject, the teacher despised me for being better than him in his own field and resorted to picking on me.
Well, today was a good day, no-one got hurt at home and I was in one piece so I thought I'd mess with this idiot.
" And why were u thinking about that Alice?" He asked amused, the other students laughed as well. I try to stay away from the word death as much as I can, I don't want people to think I'm suicidal. Not because it doesn't look preety but because I don't want them alerting the teachers or someone else about me. It will make killing myself more difficult.
"We just found out this morning that a distant aunt of mine died last night" I said with sadness lacing my voice, I knew where to hit and how to make the other person flustered, how to make someone look like a fool. Death was something people don't know how to deal with and making fun of it is obviously a big no which is what Mr. Joy unintentionally did right now or I made him do it.
As expected the laughter died down, everyone looked uncomfortable and the smugness vanished from Mr.Joy's face. He knew he messed up.
"I remember playing with her when I was little, that's what I was thinking about sir, trying to recall memories of her, trying to keep her alive in my heart" I did my sappy monologue, a fake alligator tear went down my cheek, I was really good at fake crying, always have been.
Students started murmuring, I heard a few "what an ass" directed at Mr. Joy. Ha
"Sit down Ava, and my condolences to you and your family" he said hurriedly, trying to get past this. I nodded my head and sat down but this was going to become news, Mr. Joy was going to become an ass for treating a mourning kid like this.
I know I shouldn't be taking pleasure in other's pain but Mr. Joy has always been an ass and I rarely do anything to him. And I know you might be thinking "you should'nt hurt people like this Ava" but I call bullshit on that. Everybody around me has only given me pain and nothing else, so why it so shocking when I return the favour?!
The bell rang indicating the end of class. My next two periods were free and I had lunch after that so I decided to go to the library. I didn't really have friends. Correction I didn't want friends, I don't want more reasons to hold me back from ending my life. I was a loner by choice and the kids in my school were dumb anyway, I'd rather eat a camel's balls than converse with them. They're stupid teens, high on hormones with no sense of reality or responsibility.
Soon both the free periods flew by and I was headed towards the cafeteria. I filled my plate with food and decided to go out to my favourite spot to eat. Today was a beautiful day, the sky was clear, a cool breeze was blowing and the trees and plants looked greener than ever. Right behind the benches in the football field was a groove of trees. It was so well hidden by more trees and a whole blanket of climbers on top those trees which created a veil. You'd never know that something was behind all that vegetation but one day when I was having a mental breakdown, I went behind the bleachers to hide from the other kids and literally stumbled across the place face first.
I went there and sad down on the sole white bench I had placed there myself. I stole it from a local park, I know I seem like a sad little depressed girl but I do a lot of weird stuff. Don't judge me and even if you do I don't really care.
I sat their quietly having my food when I realised what a grave mistake I made. I was sitting here alone, without a book to keep my mind occupied. And like the bitch my mind is, it went straight to that dark box that I don't touch, twitching it's sickly finger, trying to pry it open and pour out all the horrors inside it.
Suddenly a memory flashed in my head, it was me and my sister, playing house giggling and smiling, that was rare these days cause we were hardly even in the same room together. I must've been around 5 or 6 at that time, I don't clearly recall. We were giggling as if we were high on cocaine, running around, serving tea and pretending to drink from those little plastic toy cups with our tiny pinkies in the air.
"AVA! MADDIE!" suddenly a voice boomed, it belonged to my father. Our laughter died down, I looked at my sister and saw how scared she got so I puffed my tiny little chest out and went to my dad's room to face the beast alone.
"Daddy" I said, my father was lying on his bed with his eyes closed, suddenly out of nowhere something hit me, right on my head. He threw the AC remote at me. Tears started brewing in my eyes, my mother came rushing in, knowing she was late.
"Shut these bitches up, what do you do around the house all day, you can't even keep them quiet!" My father screamed at my mother. The mini me tried holding her tears back but couldn't, I heard the tiniest voice then.
"Ava" I saw my sister standing behind the door frame, hidden from my father's view. She motioned for me to go to her and I ran.
She took my hand and pulled me downstairs and under the sofa in the living room. That was our sanctuary when we were little. My sister had figured out that my father rarely screamed in the living room because the neighbours could hear us through the walls and so we went there to escape from his wrath. We sat there till dinner, hiding from the monster upstairs.
I came back to reality, tears lined my cheeks, that was a very old memory. I was so little and full of joy, unaware of the kind of man my father was.
I looked up at the sky and it looked really preety. I felt calm and there was no pain in me any longer. It was weird. I looked around me and saw how beautiful everything was and thought how wonderful it would be to die here, today.
When I thought about death my chest didn't tightened, my heart didn't hurt like it usually does. I didn't think of my mum nor my brother, I just wanted it to end. I didn't want to go back home today.
I quickly picked my backpack up from where I threw it on the ground besides the bench. I rummaged through it and pulled out the bottle of my hypothyroidism medicine, 100mcg. If I swallow the entire thing, I'll surely die.
I removed the cap and took my water bottle out, ready to kill myself, it all happened so fast but I knew my perfect day was here. Finally, I'd be gone and there'd be no more pain.
I put my lips on the mouth of the bottle and got ready to swallow when suddenly a ball came flying at me from nowhere, it hit me right in the face, the medicine bottle dropped from my hand and pills went flying everywhere.
"Damn it!" I screamed and bent down to pick the pills up. Wtf just happened?Someone must've been playing on the field and kicked ball here. Argh right when I gathered enough courage. I sat back down on the bench, the feeling of hollowness returning. The moment is gone, my perfect moment is gone BECAUSE OF SOME AIRHEAD.
I suddenly heard footsteps approaching.
"Forget it, noone knows where the balls go dude. They just disappear behind the bleachers" I heard someone say.
"Mark, just go inside, I'll look for my ball. I'm not leaving it here" another voice said.
"Let's just go man, lunch will get over any minute now" the first voice said and I heard receding footsteps.
Thank god they're gone but it wasn't like they were going to find this place anyway, thousands of balls land here and noone is able to find them.
I got up and started gathering my things. Stupid footballers ruining my suicide. I mean can't a person die alone in peace?!?
I could still do it though, even though it's different now the outcome will be the same right? I picked up the medicine bottle with shaking hands ready to swallow what was left inside it. My lips touched the rim of the medicine bottle.
"What the fuck are u doing?" I heard a voice. I whipped around and came face to face with... Carter Grey.
Fuck my life