Pretty Fake Fantasies

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Guilty for being happy

Everything went to shit the very next day.
I know I might be exaggerating here but now that I've decided to accept this weird side of life where I am literally acting like the main protagonist of a romance novel, I might as well play the role well.

So after the date everything was hunky Dory. I told my mum about the date, we gushed like 14 year olds about how sweet Carter was to me and I was extremely happy when I went to sleep that night, with Carter still on my mind.

But now that I'm standing in front of my school building, I just remembered. What the fuck are we? Is Carter the guy I'm seeing or does one date and a promice of another means that he's my boyfriend?

How do you even know when a guy you're seeing becomes your boyfriend. And has Carter told his friends about me? What has he told them? Are they the only ones who know? Does the entire school know?

My mind was going to blow up. My life had literally turned into a sappy teen romance novel and I hated it. Actually I didn't cause it came with a very nice guy but you get what I'm saying.

I was a bundle of nerves as I walked through the corridors. Apparently everybody does know about me and Carter which I could tell because everybody was staring at me as soon as I walked through the school doors. They were staring and whispering and the more they did it, the more I wanted to punch someone in the face.

I went straight to my locker, tuning out everybody else for the sake of my own sanity. I refused to act like there was nothing else in my life other than Carter.

I will stop overthinking about this and start focusing on my life, my grades, getting another part-time and planning for college.

I took a deep breath in to calm my self down. I had a lot to do and while I had fun doing silly little things after my father left us, it was time to get back to reality.

Now I'm not saying I can't have a boyfriend AND be responsible, I'm just saying the past couple of days all I've done is think about Carter. I have other things that I should be concerned about and it's high time I start paying more attention to my responsibilities.

"Hey Piers" I heard Carter's voice behind me. I turned around and before I could even reply, I was shushed by a pair of amazingly soft lips.

"Ask him what lip product he uses, like seriously" I heard my subconscious. Whatever is wrong with this bitch, always thinking about stupid things.

"Hi" I replied as soon as Carter set my lips free. I smiled at him, just because I want to be responsible does not mean I have to cut him out of my life.

"So what do you have first?" Carter asks me while he stealthily sneaks his hand into mine. He's too cute for his own good.

"I have English, what about you?" I asked him, hoping that he had the same class as me. I don't know why I just felt more socially nervous without his presence. I have gotten used to being with him all the time.

"I have Mr Joy as well" he said smiling down at me. I nodded and mumbled a "good".

"What's up? You seem distracted" Carter said suddenly. Was I distracted?

"No I'm not distracted" I said which made Carter smile.

"Okay, then what did I just ask you?" He said rasing his eyebrows. The way he smiled told me that he knew I spaced out.

"I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind" I told him, feeling quite bad for ignoring him unintentionally like that.

"You want to talk about it? I've been told I'm a good listener" he said which made me laugh. Yea he definitely was a good listener but can I talk to him about this internal moral conflit I was having? Would he feel like I was treating him like a distraction? Was I treating him like a distraction?

"I- give me sometime to figure out how to say this to you, will you?" I asked him. I really did not want to hurt him. I liked him
and I don't think I want to let him go before having a real go at US.

"sure, whenever you're ready, I'm here. I'll be here for a while now and I'll make it very difficult for you to get rid of me" he said smiling connivingly at me.

"Okay, I'd probably like that" I said. I was being honest, I don't know why I didn't call him a weirdo for saying that but I just wanted him to know that I really did like him, just in case whenever I decide to talk to him about what was going on with me, he doesn't feel like I was playing him.

He nods at me and we head to our class.

School as usual passes by in a blur but me not paying attention was definitely not effecting my grades seeing how I got an A+ on my history and political science test.

I did sit with Carter at his 'poplular' table today though. It was kinda not what I was expecting. Some people who he knew were not nice but the others whom he considers friends were kind of inviting of me which felt good. It was my first time talking to other kids in this school and they did not surprise me. They were everything I had imagined but they seemed like nice people so I don't know if judging them on their ability to retain a shit load of information is right...

I was sitting in my last class for the day, which was maths and I was actually trying my hardest to pay attention. My grade fell from an A to a B+ in this subject which meant I either start taking school seriously again or risk worrying my mum which to be honest was not a real option.

Soon the bell rang, indicating the end of school for today. I packed my bag and started making my way towards the building's exit only to find a waving Carter waiting for me there.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked him. Yea we hanged out in school but after school got over we went our separate ways since I usually walk back home.

"I'm dropping you home" Carter said more than asked.

"Why?" I asked him. Just because we went out on a date, he has to drop me home now? Is that another rule of dating? Is there a curriculum on this? I need help here...

"Well, because before I couldn't ask you to sit on the back of my bike everyday and tell you the stupid reason 'cause we're friends' but now that I'm dating you, I get a free pass" he grabbed my hand as soon as he was done with his explanation and dragged me towards his death trap.

"Nope" I said as I planted my feet on the ground which prevented Carter from pulling me towards his bike.

"What do you mean nope? I won't murder you the way" he said his lips forming a pout.

"I'm not sitting on that thing. I can't die" I told him as a matter of fact.

My answer made him roll his eyes.

"First of all lady, you don't call my bike 'a thing' and second, you won't die, I won't let you get away from me so easily" he said but seeing that I just shook my head and refused to move, he let out a big huff.

"Remember you made me do this" he said and then proceeded to pick me up and put me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Put me down!" I squealed out. Is he crazy? Does he want to die? Can't he see I'm heavy! He can twist his ankles or something!

"Carter put me down right now! I mean it you'll hurt yourself" I said trying to wiggle off of his shoulder.

"You stop moving, I'm already carrying a human being on my shoulder and you moving around isn't helping" he said his strained voice a clear indication of how difficult this task was.

"I'll go! Just put me down, I'll get on your death trap!" I gave in. Carter instantly put me down on the floor and heaved out a laboured breath.

"God they make that look so easy on TV!" He said and then looked at me and smirked.

"But if it gets you on the back of my bike then it's worth it" he said and winked at me making me scoof.

"You have a screw lose in your head" I said as I marched towards his stupid bike. I so did not want to do this but he seems hell bent on dropping me home.

"You might as well just accept it since it's gonna happen every day now" he said to me, making me glare at him.

He got on the bike and then motioned for me to get on as well.

"I don't want to do this.." I said to him again, hoping he'd fall for my puppy face and let me off.

"I won't let you fall, I promise. Just please for me? I really want you to get on my bike with me" he told me, counterattacking with a puppy face of his own.

'points to Carter for being smart' my subconscious remarked.

'just shut up, I can't deal with both of you at once' I practically snarled at her.

I got on his bike and lord was I scared. But of course the idiot ego of mine was hell bent on not even touching Carter for making us do this.

"Hold on to me or you'll fall" he said but when I didn't hold on to him, he turned around to find me holding on to the back of his bike all the while giving him the stink eye.

He scoffed and started the bike but pushed the brakes suddenly making the bike jolt forward which made me shreak!

I quickly grabbed onto his waist for dear life and head butted his back.

"Asshole" I said which just made him laugh.

"I warned you" he said and with that our little bickering session ended and we took off.

The whole way to my house, I was holding onto Carter as tightly as I could and had my eyes squeezed shut.

In a matter of minutes we were parked outside my house and I got of the bike so fast as if it was on fire.

"I'm never doing that again" I told Carter who just smile at me and pulled me towards him.

"You'll get used to it, just like you got used to me" he said while he kissed my forehead. I know if I was the old me I would've gagged and died by choking on my own vomit at that but the now me liked it.

"And I like it when you hold onto me that tight, you're usually not so physical" he said. I don't like to touch people but truth be told i was nervous about having any kind of contact with Carter. I just made my tummy feel weird and my skin tingle, so I avoided it and we've only been on one date, I'm sure everything would be fine after a while.

"I don't like touching people" I mumbled softly.

"I know, I'm not complaining. I'm just saying this could me my little dosage of physical contact from Ava Piers" he said while smiling down at me. He does that a lot...

"Okay..." I said sensing that this was the end of this conversation, so I decided to shut it down with an okay. I started pulling away from Carter but he just tightened his hold around me.

It made me look up at him and I was once again interrupted by his lips before I could even look at his face. He kissed me slowly and softly. His hands went to my back travelled up to my neck and then back down my arm. Fuck it felt nice...

Soon he was satisfied after leaving me breathless. I had to blink my eyes multiple times and shake my head a bit to stop myself from turning into a tomato.

"Go in now, your brother would be home soon. I'll see you tomorrow? When I pick you up?" He asked me, his eyes begging me to say yes.

I nodded my head, seeing how my mum had no problems with me seeing him I didn't see why I shouldn't let him.

"Bye then" I said and walked away.

After shutting the door behind me, I leaned on it.

I took a deep breath in and a smile graced my lips. I liked this and I wanted to enjoy this without feeling guilty.

Would I always beat myself up over letting myself enjoy little things in life?

Could I constantly live with a war ragging inside my head?

I don't know.....I just knew I was tired of my head telling me I was being incompetent.

I heaved out another sigh and noticed how my smile had turned into a frown in a matter of seconds.

Well welcome to the mind of an ex-suicidal girl I guess...
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