I regreted the way I left things with Ava today. She was confused and worried and I didn't do much to ease her pains.
She was right, I had no idea what was going on inside her preety little head which is why I was currently standing infront of her house, contemplating whether going in right now would be right or if I should give her some space..
"Giving her space hasn't really worked out in the past to be honest" I thought myself.
I was worried and guilty for being so hard on her. It has only been a month or so since she lost her father, since her world came crashing down and she was just trying to get used to things.
I should've been more gentle...
I ring her doorbell. The thing she needed most was comfort right now and I knew she wouldn't tell her mother how worried she was and would suffer alone.
The door was opened by Mrs. Piers, who smiled immediately when she saw me.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Piers, is Ava home?" I asked her.
"Oh thank god you're here Carter. I don't know what happened but Ava looked down after coming back from school. You're here for her, right? Would you mind talking to her...?" Mrs. Piers's words made me feel more guilt.
I nodded my head and Mrs. Piers invited me in.
"It's right upstairs, the first door infront of the stairs. I'm taking Ray out for some ice cream..I trust you both. Try and get her to feel better Carter, I'm worried" Mrs. Piers's said and soon she left the house with her son.
I went right up. I hesitated a little before knocking on her room's door. Noone responded, I knocked again and was met with silence once again. I thought maybe she fell asleep, so I decided to just go right in.
Noone could've prepared me for what I saw next.
She was lying on the floor unconscious and I could see the bloodied blade in her hand. My heart stopped and I couldn't think straight for a second.
It was like a venomous snake was slowly slithering up my body, instilling fear and adrenaline and dread in me. It was coiling itself around my neck and making it hard for me to breadth.
I snapped out of the fearful trance I fell in and rushed towards her. Her wrists had cuts but not enough to make her bleed out.
It looked like she was trying to hurt herself but not kill herself. I quickly stepped over her and reached for her bathroom's cabinet and rummaged through it and finally found a box which looked like a medi kit.
I tucked it under my arm and then lifted Ava from the floor and took her to the bed.
"Ava!!! Ava!!!!! Hey! Hey, wake up" I tried to get her to wake up, if she didn't, I'd take her to the hospital.
I looked at her wounds and the blood had already clotted which meant they weren't deep, she hadn't nicked anything important. How I knew all this, I have no clue. I just knew that there wasn't any blood on the floor or on her which meant the wounds weren't deep.
I quickly cleaned her wounds and bandaged them. I had to rummage through her closet to look for a clean cloth but I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty for going through her stuff at that moment.
I could hardly feel my thoughts or my body right now. All I could do was sit on her bed and look at her unconscious form.
Did she do this because of me? Did I drive her to the edge? Was she trying to kill herself and failed?
I went back to the bathroom and filled my hand with some water. I rushed back over to where Ava was lying on her bed and splashed her on the face.
The cold water snapped her to consciousness and she suddenly sat up, her hands went straight to her face, which was now wet and cold.
"What" she mumbled and then looked around her room. Finally her eyes, her very tired and confused eyes fell on me.
Whatever power was keeping me sane all this time, lost its effect and I broke.
My eyes filled with tears and i hugged her as if my life depended on it. I thought she died, I thought I killed her...
"Cart what- why are you here? What's happened?" She asked flustered but still hugging me back.
"You're asking ME what happened?! What happened with you?!??" I screamed. I know I was here to sooth her but fuck it I found her on the bathroom floor, unconscious! I wasn't thinking straight right now!
"What happened Ava? Why did you do that? Why did I find my girlfriend on the fucking floor with her writs cut?!?" I asked her, my voice firm but not as loud. I didn't want to think about it again, that horrible scene, I never want to think about it again.
"I--i" she looked as if she could hardly make out what I was saying.
"Does your head hurt? Are you having trouble understanding me? Should we go to the hospital?" I asked her. I could get my answers later but if she had some sort of problem right now, we need to get it checked.
"No I'm okay. I can understand you" she said. Her hands went up to her hair and she started pulling. She could understand me but didn't know how to answer me.
I took a hold of her hand to stop her from pulling out her hair. I sat down on the bed beside her properly and put her head on my chest. Both of our hearts were beating so fast, both of us needed some time.
We just sat there for I don't know how long, I couldn't get myself to let her go.
I've never been this scared in my life.
"Ava please you have to tell me. Why? Why did you do that? Were you trying to kill-" I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know the answer to whether she was trying to kill herself or not.
Did she still not want to live even after me? Did I not matter enough to make her stay? To make her life a little less bleak?
"No! Carter, I wasn't. I was not trying to kill myself" she said to me while sitting up and looking straight at me.
"Then what?" I asked her. I tried to act like I knew and understood what was going on but I couldn't. I have never seen or experienced anything like this so I didn't know what this was.
"I- I don't know what happened. I had too much on my mind, much more than usual. I tried to calm myself but I felt numb. It felt like I was going to explode, like everything in me was just going to come out all at once and consume me. I just wanted to be back in control....the pain it- it helped. My mind focused on the pain outside rather than the one inside. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" her words broke my heart.
All I could do was hug the broken girl in front of me and it made me feel so helpless. I knew she had her problems but I never knew they were so much that's she'd need to hurt herself as a distraction.
"Was it me?" I whispered, fearing the answer to that question. Did I push her this far?
"No!! Cart no! No definitely not! It has nothing to do with you rather you're the reason why it didn't happen a lot earlier. You're the reason the cuts weren't meant for me to die." She told me and I could see it in her eyes the desperation, it wasn't Because of me.
I nodded me head.
"You can't do this again" I told her "we made a deal Ava Piers, you come to me to talk and if I ever find out you hurt yourself again, I will tie you to myself with a chain. I do not care how sad or pathetic you think your truth is gonna make you look but you talk to me" I told her, I was angry and I was scared and I was sad and hurt. She hurt herself, she could've died and left me, she didn't trust me enough to be honest with me.
"It's not that simple" she said as she detached herself from me and put some distance between us.
"Okay then tell me how complicated it is. I don't care if you've murdered someone, I don't care if you're a fucking alien, I don't care what your problems are. All I care about is that you don't kill yourself or hurt yourself." I told her and then pulled her back into my arms.
"I thought I lost you, I thought you were gone when I saw you on the floor. Please Ava, I can't let you do that again. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix everything. The things I can't fix, I'll hide them in a big black box and store it somewhere far away. Just don't do that to yourself again, please" I hugged her harder.
"I won't, it was lapse of judgement." She said as she hugged me back.
We stayed there till her mother came back home. She came upstairs to give us two tubs of ice cream she bought for us and then went downstairs to give us some privacy.
"What's going on in that head of yours Piers?" I asked her. She has to tell me to feel better. I've told her a billion times that she'll explode if she keeps everything to herself.
"I don't know what happened Cart. I was fine a few days ago. I just feel like my life right now is just a ruse, as soon as I start to get comfortable, something terrible would happen. I feel like I'm being lazy and neglectful. All my life, I grew up knowing that I HAD to protect Ray and mum from my dad, that was the reason I was alive. That was the reason I was born, but now I don't know what I'm supposed to do." She said as tears streamed down her eyes.
"Maddie left, I haven't heard from my sister in such a long time and I miss her so so much. She used to be there for me, always. Whenever I was troubles, I could go to her and she'd let me tell her everything, she'd let me cry, she'd let me sleep with her on nights when I was too scared of my thoughts. And now she's gone and I'm so alone, I'm just so alone and so tired. You know, when I was little, me and my sister we loved watching TV. We'd watch these shows where these people, they had perfect lives, they had a loving family, lots of friends and nothing to be worried about. I thought my life was going to be like that someday but then it got so so bad. I lost the will to live and I was so scared of the things in my head. I was scared of losing my mum and my brother and my sister" she cried as she layed in my arms. It hurt my heart to hear how much she was suffering.
"I just want it all to stop, I just want to live in those fake TV fantasies. Why can't I be happy? Why? Why? Just why" and she cried for hours. I just laid there on her bed, holding her. I had no idea what to say to her. How can a 17 year old girl be in this much pain? How did noone see that she was dying on the inside? How did they let her get to the verge of death?
I couldn't do anything but hold her. Her cries pierced my heart and I knew her mother could probably hear her as well but I didn't care who heard her, I was actually glad if they heard her. She had held too much inside for too long.
She fell asleep in my arms after crying for what felt like forever. She looked exhausted. I helped her lay properly on her bed and covered her with her blanket.
She needed therepy, she needed professional help. I'm not passing the buck here but nobody here could give her the help she needed. We have psychologists in our town and she needs to talk to them inorder to let out everything that has happened to her. I don't know what her father did to her but whatever it was, it was clearly horrible. It had left her broken and scared.
I closed the door to her room quietly and went downstairs to find Mrs. Piers sitting at the bottom of the stairs. She probably heard everything..
"Mrs. Piers, Ava fell asleep" I told her. She nodded her head and got up.
"Thank you Carter for caring for her so much" Mrs Piers said, her back still to me.
"I know you heard everything ma'am. I want to take her to a therepist. I know it's not my place but I can't see her like this anymore. She's in pain" I told her.
"Yes, I know. Thank you Carter for being so considerate. I'll look for a good doctor, if it wasn't for you I would've never known...." She turned around to look at me. Her eyes were filled with tears.
"It's not your fault ma'am, Ava is just very good at hiding her feelings." I told her. She must be devastated. She smiled at me and nodded her head again.
"Thank you again" she said to me. I nodded my head and started towards the front door.
"You can visit anytime you like. I think it would be nice for Ava" I heard Mrs. Piers say.
"I will" I said and took my leave. I didn't want to leave that house, I didn't want to leave her alone. In only a month, Ava Piers had successfully made me fall head over heels for her, so much so that seeing her hurt today broke me into a thousand pieces.
All I wanted right now was to keep her safe. I've never wanted to protect someone this much in my entire life.