Pretty Fake Fantasies

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A happy ending? Fuck's a happy beginning

2 months later

After the incident, things were rough for a while. My mother found out about me hurting myself which wasn't very convenient for me because all my 17 years I had tried my hardest not to worry my mother with my drama.

I could see that she thought she was the reason i was doing all this which is why I had to tell her everything that was going on with me. It wasn't her fault, it was partly my dad's and the rest I haven't figured out yet but I will because I went into therepy.

Yes, the Ava Piers with the biggest ego went to a freaking shrink but I knew I needed help after I physically hurt myself. Who knew it wouldn't be a suicide attempt but a boy I liked very much crying and begging to make me realise that things had gone really bad.

I was good at bottling up my feelings, always have been but that day the bottle cracked. I could see it on my mother's face when I told her living was hard for me and I could see it on Carter's face when he had found me all bloodied up in the bathroom.

It wasn't just me who was hurting, they were hurting too. They loved me so much that the thought of me dying killed them as well and that is why I have decided that I want to live, not the I have to live but I really WANT to live.

I want to spend the rest of my highschool with Carter and I want to plan how we'll meet each other once we go off to college. I want to have my first time with him and see how far things go. I want to see my brother grow up into a fine young man, to see him get his first job, his first paycheck, his first girlfriend.

I want to be there for my mum once she grows old, I want to see her find someone else to be happy with.

I want to reconnect with my sister, ask her to come back in our lives, tell her that the monster we used to hide from is finally gone.

Therepy was not easy, I felt like something was wrong with me, I questioned why it was only me? Why I wasn't like other people?

But eventually my therepist, Ms. Broady, helped me see there was a lot I would miss if I give into my thoughts. I wasn't the only person who felt sad, others feels sad too which is completely normal. I just had a very horrible experience, I went through a lot of psychological damage as a child which meant I just had a lot to be sad about than other people, it didn't mean something is wrong with me.

The incident was kind of an eye opener, it made me see that I wasn't alone. I had isolated myself, not other people. I had people who cared about me, they just didn't know what was going on with me because I never told them.

I thought it was grown up of me to face everything myself but I wasn't a grown up and I'm certainly not alone.

I have a lot of things to relearn. I can't keep on doing the things I did inorder to survive when my father was around.

The situation was different then, a lot more different.

On a brighter note, Carter and I are closer than ever now. We went on a lot more dates in the past month and I've made 2 new friends at school. Their names are Maria and Charlie, they're both new students. They're very nice friends, we hang out almost everyday.

I have realised that even though I don't have any purpose in my life right now, I'm sure I'll find a new one. Getting into a good college and making my mother proud? Getting my first job? Getting my first paycheck and handing it to my mum? Marrying someone and having kids? Who knows but there a lot to look forward to, I don't know why it all looked so dark before.

The conclusion is that I need to trust people, I need to be vocal about my problems. I have to stop being ashamed of needing help or being sad. Life is not a laundry detergent commercial where everything is smiles and rainbows.

Life is tough, it's tough for everybody and there's no shame in admitting that. Some people can handle it, some can't but that doesn't mean those who can't are weak.

It'll take me a while but I'll learn that everybody needs to be comforted, everybody needs somebody to lean onto, everybody needs to cry somedays and all of that is fine.

I don't have to be happy all the time and I don't have to appear strong all the time.

It's difficult and scary to navigate life and it's okay if we take a few wrong turns or get lost. We just need to ask for help and get back on track or just make our own fucking track by cutting right through the fucking forest.

But one thing I do know now for sure is that I don't want to leave these people behind, I don't want my life to end without even trying to live it.

I'll tackle life one day at a time, I'll fight one demon at a time. I don't have to be okay all the time and I'm okay with that now.

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