Pretty Fake Fantasies

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Panick attacks

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to not be me. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep, I wouldn't constantly try and avoid every reflective surface just so I won't have to look at my ugly face, I wouldn't have my father....I wouldn't hate myself.

I know what you're thinking. "I'm sure you're very preety, you just don't know it". Let me tell you, I'm not. I'm fat, and no, not the "oh my god, I don't fit into my size extra small pants anymore" fat, the "shit I don't fit into my xl size pants". I'm fat and ugly.

I hate it, I hate everything about myself, from the way I sound, to the way I look and walk and sleep and everything. I hate it to the point where I'd rather die than live with myself.

But this just makes me feel more awful Because I know I should love myself, even though I don't fit in the normal beauty standards, I should still like myself but everyone else makes it so difficult.

The preety people in the media, the kids at school, the stares and whisper from strangers. I'm not that fat, I'm just a few pounds above the normal weight for my age but they still look at me as if I'm a walking elephant.

Even if I try my best I can't ignore everything. I've been ignoring so much in my life, the constant abuse from my father, the pressure of doing well in school, the pressure of getting a good job so I can later support my mother and help raise my brother, to put him and myself through college... I've been ignoring so much that I feel like this is something that I deserve to be sad over.

I get jerked back into reality as I hear the bell ringing, signalling the beginning of lunch. My mind goes numb from just thinking about this morning.

I mindlessly pack my bag and head towards the cafeteria. I stand in the long line for food and get myself an apple.

I look around and find Carter sitting with his friends, the jocks and other popular kids. How clique.

I make my way towards the empty table at the far off, secluded corner of the cafeteria. I set my book bag down and start nibbling at my apple. My previous dive into the "big black box of sad" in my head killed my hunger.

I felt a tap on my shoulder but I don't bother turning around since I knew who it was. Soon Carter pulls up the chair right next to me and sits down.

We sit in silence for sometime, I don't say anything since I was trying to find the right words to explain my disdain without making me look like an absolute pathetic loser and he was probably trying to give me my space.

"My sister moved out very abruptly yesterday" I say and instantly regretted opening my mouth. I practiced that line like 10 times in my head and yet my voice came out so weak and pathetic.

I wanted to disappear..

When Carter still didn't say anything, I assumed he wanted me to continue our session of suicider's anonymous.

"I was very attached to my sister and did not take her decision very well."
I said. Even if he doesn't say anything now, I won't continue. This was enough Sharing for today.

"Was?" He asked. I looked at him puzzled.

" What do you mean by 'you were attached to your sister'? You're not attached to her anymore?" He asked

"Well, not after how she left things" I say. Short and simple sentences will get me through this quickly.

"But how-" I interrupt Carter mid-sentence. "I'm done! That enough for today" I say as I abruptly grab my book bag and get up. I beeline straight towards my safe space behind the bleachers.

I run and run and run and it seems like it would take me forever to reach my sanctuary, that my special place was running away from me. This was my life, people abandon me, messed up families, a fucked up father. It will always be miserable, now with my dad, later working my ass off trying to raise Ray.

I would never find peace in this life.

I didn't even realise but I was sitting right behind the bleachers clutching my chest. I knew I was having a panick attack but all I could do was think about how cursed I was. Everything is so fucked up. I couldn't breathe, my eyes were filled with tears...tears that never seemed to stop.

I could feel myself sinking further away into nothingness. All I wanted was to be a normal teenager. I wanted a loving father like other kids have, I too wanted someone who could support me. Was I really asking for too much?
Am I really being selfish by thinking my life is difficult? Or am I just being a teenager who thinks the whole world is against her?

I just want to disappear, I just want all this to stop. I can't take anymore disappointments, I just can't survive all this.

"Ava!" I heard carter screaming my name but his voice sounded hazy over all the crap going through my brain.

"Ava breadth" I turned around and saw him through the bleachers, he had his back towards me and was standing on the other side which I was grateful for Because I did not want him to see what a Trainwreck I was.

I tried to control my breathing, 1 2 3 I counted breathing in and out. I've gotten good at calming myself down whenever I had a panick attack...I can't really rely on my mum or Ray in situations like these, they already have too much on their plates. I don't want to be another burden.

"Ava are you okay? Do u want me to come there?" I heard Carter loud and clear this time. The voices in my head now quite.

"No but I'm okay. Just stay where you are" I told him.

"Okay" I saw him take a seat right in front of the bleachers, with his back still towards me. How can a teenage boy overflowing with testosterone and no common sense be this understanding, I don't get but here he is being a perfect gentleman.

"You shouldn't have followed me" I told him. The silence was getting awkward and it was making me wonder what he must be thinking about me. Fuck teenage and this self consciousness.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay" he replied. Of course he did.

"I still don't get why you're going through all this trouble for someone you don't even know"

"Ava, would u just ignore someone who was in your shoes? Just forget about it and go on your daily business of doing stupid shit?"

What he said made sense, I wouldn't. However much I liked minding my own business, I wouldn't ignore someone like that.

"Okay fair but you can go and have your lunch now, I'm okay so you don't have to sit here" I said. I know I was being grade A bitch but this is how I was raised, no showing weakness or people use them against you.

"I'm not judging you if that's why you're always trying to get rid of me. I'm just trying to prevent you from splitting your writs open."

"First of all, wow! Is that how you talk to a suicidal person? And second, everybody judges. It wouldn't be surprising or anything new if you would too." I said. Boy did this dude get comfortable with suicide. Two days ago he couldn't even say the word.

"First of all, I know you don't give a crap about how I talk to you about suicide and second, you're right but I'm trying to not judge okay? Yes I do think stuff initially after listening to you, but then I tell myself not to be an asshole and focus on helping you" he says.

"I didn't mean to be a bitch, sorry. You're trying to help me." I say, I knew I owed him an apology, I was being a bitch and taking my frustrations out on the wrong person. He isn't the one whoes fucking with my life.

"Well, what now?" I asked him. I was getting antsy just siting there liked that.

"Well, do you have anything else to share with me?" He asked most probably hoping I'd open up more.

"This is seriously starting to sound a lot like suicider's anonymous now, ya know" I said chuckling at his "share".

"Yea yea you know what I mean" he says laughing a bit himself.

"I don't know what else I can say about my sister leaving" I told him honestly, I mean I already told him what happened, what else is there to it?

"Well u told me what happened but we never got into how you feel about it" he says back to me.

"I don't know carter, she was my sister. She was supposed to protect me and my brother but she left..I think I'd be preety sad after that and this should be obvious" I said rolling my eyes a bit.

"Well I guess I'm not getting anything else out of you. We should go and have something to eat, lunch is going to be over soon" he said to me while getting up.

I was feeling a bit hungry now. I guess now that all that crap regarding my sister was out of my system, there was room for food.

So I got up too and made my way infront of the bleachers and we both started walking towards the School building.

"I wonder if I should become a councelor or therapist. I think I'm preety good at this" he said jokingly, trying to lighten up the mood. I looked at his face and he was staring at me, grinning like a 5 year old. Lord, this dude is weird.

"Well I'm glad my craziness is helping you in choosing a career path atleast" I said laughing myself.

"You're not crazy for feeling down Ava. It happens and I can't say whether you'll be okay but you don't have to do this alone now" he said to me looking serious all of a sudden.

"Arghh can you be more chessy Grey?" I said rolling my eyes.

"Yea even I heard it this time" he said with a boyish grin on his face.

This dude is way too weird but maybe I should consider using him to be okay. I always wanted someone on my side and maybe having him with me wouldn't be so bad.


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