Living in the past
** POV - Melaena – age 19
Warning – sexual content!
He moves his fingers under the lace of her panties, yanking them off. Moving slowly he kisses his way up her thigh, turning his head so his breath tickles her. She lets out a deep moan, moving her hips in anticipation. He moves in, tongue lashing against her clit while his hands move under her hips pulling her into his face. She lets out a cry of pleasure, her hands pulling his hair. He licks and sucks, moving his fingers into her wet ….
I groan and close my eyes. Green orbs stare at me and I feel an ache forming between my legs. I press them together and throw the stupid book on the bed. Kiara peeps out of the closet.
“Mel, stop reading yourself into a climax!” A pair of jeans hit me in the face before I can react.
“It’s time to get funky!” She shouts excitedly pulling clothes from the shelves, throwing them on the bed. Kiara is a fashion-obsessed individual, unlike me. I will wear anything I like without thinking about who designed it or how much it costs. She stops and looks at me, her eyes shining even more. Then she picks up the book on my bed and looks at the cover picture.
“Ug, you’re sex dreaming again?” I just snort and pull my knees up to my chest. Kiara always teases me for being such a romantic. She’s more of a realist, not believing in true love. She loves to date good-looking blokes but never lets it get serious. Me, on the other hand, dream about …. well, let’s just say I dream about something different, something special, the sort of storybook love where two people’s eyes meet and BAM – true love forever, like a Romeo and Juliet kinda thing, but without the dying part.
What can I say? I for sure as hell know that love at first sight exists, but the living happily-ever-after part is a warped cliché. The universe is cruel and mischievous, that’s for freaking sure.
Yes, I got the eyes meet – BAM part under the belt, but the rest is all screwed up and intertwined – twisted up into a corrupted ball of claustrophobic frustration. Cause in that same BAM moment, I’ve learned that love and hate are homogeneous, like identical twins they share the same DNA and it’s almost impossible to distinguish between the two. I now have a theory that the perverted universe likes jokes, especially when it comes to love, because of all the boys in the world, they set me up to have my BAM moment with HIM.
Granted, he’s the most beautiful man in the world, with fiery green eyes, jet black hair, the body of a Greek god, and the face of a fallen angel. Sounds great, but there’s just this teeny little problem the sick depraved universe just had to add to the whole fated soulmate plot - turns out my love object is a rebellious, moody, troubled, bad-boy player with an annoying Batman-on-steroids attitude AND the soul of the devil. If that’s not enough, another fact worth mentioning is that he’s also my brother’s best friend.
Turned out that the handsome doctor who fixed Kiara’s foot has an equally more handsome son. And, yes you guessed it, Logan started a lifetime BFF friendship in his junior year with non-other than Damion Grimm, a cocky bad-ass playboy and MotoGP champion.
I think back to where my love-hate relationship with the devil started, and our first meeting, after the haunted house incident, replays in my mind.
It was the first Friday back at school, Sophomore year, Kiara and I were stashing our stuff in our lockers before leaving for the weekend. As usual, Logan would come to pick us up from school. He was in an all-boys school just a few blocks over. I was standing with my back to the doors. Suddenly all the girls in the hallway started acting like monkeys in heat, and I didn’t need to turn around to know that my brother just entered the building. It was the same thing every freaking Friday. Logan would walk through the doors, strutting his handsomeness in his school uniform, smiling and flirting with every girl in the hallway, just to piss me off.
It’s not the fact that all the stupid overeager females, and probably some males, would drool over him, flaring on his already massive ego, that got on my nerves. No, it was the intrusion of my privacy the whole week after his dramatic performance of maleness, when every stupid bitch would enter my personal space trying to get his freaking number, that mangled my anger.
As soon as he spoke I could hear the mocking in his voice blazing on my heating irritation.
“Hi, girls. You’re ready to go?” He just never waited outside like I’ve asked him a million times over, and I knew he did it on purpose to antagonize me. He just loved the attention and as much as it hurts me to say this, he liked to misuse it following in his siblings’ man-whore footsteps. But that specific day I was already grumpy as a cow with tit-infection for ending in the principal’s office twice, getting my knickers in a twist for being innocently accused. First for kicking a bitchy senior on the shin, and next for giving Jason a shiner. Don’t get me wrong, I did both of those things, but they deserved much more of course. But still, I got punished. I tried to explain to the principal that the bitch emptied her strawberry milkshake on a friend’s head, and Jason squeezed my butt cheek, but still, I’m the one that ended up in detention.
Displeased, I slammed my locker door shut with a little extra force, ready to take all my anger out on my dickface brother.
“Logan, I swear one day I’m going to fudging kill you, prick!” I hissed before turning around eyes blazing with anger, ready to give my brother a piece of my mind and maybe even my fist. But then BAM my breath and everything else inside me got sucked out with force by teasing bright apple-green eyes. The hot as hell guy standing next to my brother filled out his uniform better than Thor himself ever could, his raven hair was in a messy-sexy style and the skew smile heated my core to boiling point. For some crazy reason, I wanted to grab and kiss a total stranger. And to top it all off, it’s the same boy that helped us years ago at the haunted house, the one I just couldn’t seem to forget.
“Hello,” He said in a husky raspy voice. Of course, even his voice would be sexy, how could it not be. I don’t remember much after that, just Kiara holding me up, cause my knees suddenly couldn’t support my weight and Logan laughing, saying something about me having drool all over my face. And that’s how I met (or re-met) my brother’s new best friend, the guy who spelled trouble, with a capital T. The simple boy whose number 13 jacket still hangs in my cupboard.
After that Damion came to our house lots of times with my brother, and he became part of the family, just another brother. But to me, he was the persona where love and hate become indistinguishable, kindred, so much alike that I can never answer the question, no matter how hard I try. Are the heavy heartbeats, the twisted stomach, the nauseating feelings a reaction of love or hate … or a combination of the two? I always opt more towards the hate side, because even though he’s physically a picture of perfection, the rest of him was more of a huge pain in my butt, an itch under my skin I couldn’t get rid of. And it’s still there, increasing each year, and it’s getting almost unbearable and I’m getting scared that I just might do something irresponsible one of these days – like ripping his balls off.
I pull myself back and realize Kiara is staring at me, waiting for a response.
“It’s cliterature – you know like clit-literature. I have to learn from books to gain experience since all guys seem to walk in circles around me. You don’t have that problem.” I pout my lips at Kiara and she just shoots me a pitty-full look back.
“You know that’s something I could never understand. The guys voted you the hottest girl over and over, but as soon as they ask you out they just seem to change their minds or they just never show up without any reason. But at least you have Ren now.” She’s right. I went through my school years with guys eyeing me, checking me out, but no one did anything more than stare. Hell, they didn’t even talk to me, they literally ran away from me. I had to go to my prom with Axel.
Sometimes I wondered if they were scared of my brothers but when I asked Axel about it he just grinned and shrugged his shoulders blabbing “Something like that.”
When we got back from Europe, we reconnected with some of our friends from school, and I met Ren, a friend of Jason’s, who asked me out. It’s not that he’s the love of my life, but I was just so glad to be asked out, at last, I couldn’t say no.
“Yep, I suppose.” Grabbing my black dragon soft-toy, Ripper, I squeeze it against my chest as if it can dull the ache in my heart. Funny how I use the toy Damion won for me to always remind me of the devil under his pretty-boy exterior. Yep, I’ve experienced just how evil he can be more than once. Kiara’s voice ships me back to reality.
“Um, mm.” She pulls her judgmental face and looks at Ripper with a pity-full look. Kiara knows I hate Damion, and for 2 good reasons.
One, he woke me up one night, dared me onto his bike, and then we broke into the zoo. It was a great night, walking hand in hand between the animals, just talking without anybody judging us. But then the very next day he broke my heart into pieces, showing up with a bimbo behind him on his bike.
Then, like a sucker for punishment, a few months later he made me skip school and go with him to the Boardwalk. It was just after he won his first MotoGP championship. Again holding hands, spending the day having fun on the rides, eating ice cream, playing games. He won the big black dragon toy for me and it was the best day I’ve ever had.
But when he dropped me off, Jackson caught us and they had a big fistfight on the grass. I’m not sure who won but like clockwork, the next day a new girl was paraded on his bike for me to see.
This time my heart got ripped from my chest and I cried for weeks. For every tear that fell the hate grew in my heart and Ripper got its name. Damion never asked me out again after that. Hell, we hardly had a decent conversation since then. I tried to ignore the annoying dimwit, acting mostly as if he was invisible, only talking to him when I had to and even then I was rather hostile and cold. Only Jackson guessed about the real reason for my coldness, but other than telling me to stay away from Damion, he never talked about it with me.
But of course, Damion goes out of his way to annoy and antagonize me every moment he can, and believe me he can. He can get me from zero to mad just by opening his mouth, and at the same time from dry to wet in just one stare. Yeah, I’m not proud to admit that fact even to myself – physically I’m attracted to the man like a bee to a flower. But I learned my lesson the hard way and no amount of honey can ever make up for the pain of a broken heart. Like I said, love and hate – different sides of the same coin.
So, yes, Kiara knows everything, but she doesn’t understand what I’m going through here. How do I explain something I don’t even understand myself to my best friend. How can I be so attracted on one hand, but hate him so much on the other? I hate his fudging humongous ego, and I hate every girl falling before his feet. And most of all I hate his man-whore ways. Then there’s also that smoldering, moody, on the edge, dangerously mysterious bad-boy reputation of his. I’m not sure yet if it scares me away or intrigues me.
I stop the mind-running to answer Kiara before she suspects where my mind is lingering.
“What, I like Ren,” I say this more for myself than her to be honest. Ren is a real good guy, what more can I ask for? It’s just that our views of the future at this moment differs. Ren is already talking about getting married and having children. At 19 I’m way too young to think about marriage and I for certain don’t want to even think about kids and that stuff. I won’t even know which side of the baby is up and which side goes down.
Kiara snorts. “Yeah right. You keep telling yourself that.” I sigh. How can I tell her, that when I kiss Ren I don’t feel any sparks? And sometimes Damion’s frickin green eyes are laughing at me.
I ssssoooo much want to delete Damion forever from my life because he just messes up everything. It’s as if my mind, body, and heart are in a constant war, each one fighting for a different outcome. My mind repercussions me about staying miles away from the cock-ass, my body lusts to be in his arms, kissing him and my poor little heart is hoping just to come out of this mess in one piece. And truthfully, I’m not sure whose side I’m on.
It’s times like this that I miss my mom the most, but she’s been dead for years now. We found her murdered in our house, and since then dad’s m.i.a too. Uncle John took us in and raised us, with Kiara, as his own. That’s a night I would never forget for as long as I live.
We all walked into our house, my brothers, and I, eager to eat the pizza we bought. The smell hit me first and then the sight of blood on the floor between pieces of broken glass, the room a chaotic mess. I remember Jackson dropping his box of pizza, vomiting in the flower pot next to the door. Jackson could never stand the sight of blood for some reason.
Ilkay told us to stay put and he disappeared into the kitchen. The twins followed him a little later. Logan grabbed me and my 10-year-old body started shaking like mad, forming a little group of frozen, scared kids, silently waiting for something we could not even begin to understand. Jackson ran back, emptying his stomach into the pot again. Ilkay walked in like a zombie, dragging a sheet-white Enrique behind him, and my big brother forced us all outside, making us sit on the porch until Uncle John arrived.
Enrique threw up a few times into the rosegarden and he looked like a ghost. Jackson was not looking any better, he kept on hitting the wall with his fist, leaving a scarlet pattern on the white paint. Logan never left my side, clutching so hard onto me it almost hurt. Uncle John hurried inside and after a while, that seemed like forever the police and ambulances showed up.
They put blankets over our shoulders, the paramedics injected us, and bandaged Jackson’s bloody hand before Uncle John took us all to his place. He told us that our mom was dead and that dad left us. I’ve lost both my parents in one night. My father would never have won the dad-of-the-year-award, but he was still my father. We all knew he drank and worked too much, but he seemed to love us at least the short few times he was around.
I force my mind back to the present again. Why do I keep recalling the past tonight? But I think I know the answer – Damion. I’m going to see him again after almost a year and I’m not sure how it’s going to make me feel.
“It’s only been a couple of weeks, I can hardly be in love with him in such a short time.” I eventually answer Kiara.
“Look, you know I don’t believe in the storybook kind of love, but I know you’re looking for that, and I’m speaking about something I know nothing about here, but I just think that you are looking for it in the wrong place. Or rather with the wrong guy.”
She clicks her tongue when she sees my what-the-fudge frown. What does she know anyway? Ren is my first boyfriend, she knows that.
“So are you going to have sex with him?” She seems a little agitated. We made a pact when we started high school that we won’t lose our virginity until we are totally sure it’s what we want. Oh, the innocence of youth. In our senior year, Kiara started dating one of Axel’s friends, Don, and I know they did it prom-night, like most typical teenagers. But I’m different … I’m waiting for sparks, electricity, love – name it what you want, the special someone. And Ren is not him.
“No.” I’ll rather wait at least until I feel consumed by lust.
“And it’s got nothing to do with …. oh I don’t know …. some green-eyed bad-ass?” Now, why would Kiara bring him into the conversation? He’s the last one I want to think about, but still, he haunts me like the ghost-from-hell he is.
“Ug, seriously? He’s like a fungus or something I can’t get rid of. And anyway, he’s bad, mad, and crazy, and I’m officially sure he doesn’t have a heart, at least not a beating one. I’m not going to get on that choo-choo train again. He goes through girls faster than my phone goes through data.”
She doesn’t answer, but just pouts her lips and nods her head. I know she doesn’t believe me. Kiara is my best friend and she knows me even better than I know myself sometimes. I get up and pour some coffee before sitting on the sofa this time, slowly sipping my caffeine boost, watching Kiara piling more clothes on the bed. There’s a small knock on the door and then Axel’s face peeps in.
“You decent.” He asks in a soft voice and we both yell ‘yes’ together. Axel has seen us like a million times in our pj’s before, but he always asks before he enters our rooms. He’s like our gay-but-not-gay best friend. It means that although he’s totally into girls and extremely hot, we like to think about him as a gay virgin. And I say ‘virgin’ in a very relaxed casual sense since he also goes through girls like a knife through butter, but he hides it better than my brothers. And with looks like his, combined with his mysterious personality, he for sure as hell doesn’t find it too hard to woe the ladies. But there are no complicated feelings between us, it’s like he’s our brother from another mother. Since he helped us in the haunted house, the three of us have been inseparable.
This past year after school, Kiara and I took a gap year, traveling and backpacking through Europe and Asia, courtesy of Uncle John of course. But now it’s time to enter the real world as varsity freshmen in the next week. We are both going to Stanford University and we’re going to share a townhouse, although we each own a house in the complex. Uncle John gave each of us, including Axel, a super luxurious house with a view of the ocean. My brothers each stay in their own houses, but we’re going to stay in Kiara’s house and rent out mine to a friend.
Kiara is going to study Psychology, while I enrolled in Computer Science and Graphic design. I’ve been freelancing since I was 15 and I hope to get a job with Google after graduation. I look at Axel and notice that his delicious swimmer’s bod, turned into a total muscle machine this last year. Axel is a fireman at Station 19, but he takes some subjects at the university just to be part of their swimming team. It was just too bad that he couldn’t travel with us, but he couldn’t afford to take the time off from his swimming practice if he wants to qualify for the Olympics next year.
He comes in and falls onto the sofa next to me.
“So Axel, what do you think about Mel and Ren?”
“Can you ladies PLEASE keep me out of your love lives? But the answer is that I think Ren is a scapegoat because you’re too scared of the devil you secretly want.” Axel pulls an unsatisfying innocent pleading face and Kiara holds out her hands in an I-told-you-so motion.
“What I secretly want is new supportive loving and sympathetic best friends.” I think back to the day just before we left for Europe.
Damion teased me and got on my nerves like always, but then I grinned into his smuck face like a cat smelling cream.
“What?” He asked, standing rather close to me making my hair stand up.
“Just think, I won’t have to put up with all your crap for more than a year!” I gleamed. Damion got this glint in his eyes and slowly moved towards me, a smirk plastered over his way too handsome face.
“Damion, if you come any closer I’ll castrate you for sure!” I yelled, but he didn’t even waver, he pushed me against the wall, his arms on both sides of me, closing me in. I wanted him to kiss me so badly, yes … I know … pathetic.
“I’ll miss you, my little angel.” His voice was husky and his minty breath sent goosebumps down my body. He kept me there for who knows how long, both of us just staring into each other’s eyes as if frozen. He stood back, leaving me feeling cold and unsatisfied, and he winked at me with a knowing smile.
Ug, I hate that guy! Kiara and I shared some romantic kisses with a few handsome foreigners during our travels, nothing serious or hairraising, but like clockwork, I saw his emerald eyes teasing me in my mind every time. Do you know how frustrating that can be? He’s killing my love life no matter where I go.
“You guys getting ready already?” Logan enters the room, followed by the rest of my brothers. I shake the cobwebs out of my head. Tonight is the last day before we move off to our new lives and Uncle John is throwing a bash here at his mansion.
Ilkay’s eyes find mine and I can see he’s worried about something, nothing new, my brother is always worried. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty damn sure that one was born worried. He’s responsible, reliable, calm, and clever, and I mean extremely clever, like a certified genius. At the age of 24, he is already finishing his last year of residency at UCSF, and starting the new year he’ll continue his studies to become a neurosurgeon.
My eyes move over to Enrique, the cocky playboy, age 23 is the fun one I’ll call to bail me out of the fire. He’s also very annoyingly observant, just like his twin, and I struggle to hide things from them. Enrique is a super successful international model and actor and also shares ownership of a nightclub called ‘Inferno’ with Logan. He winks, making me smile.
Jackson is hanging on to his twin brother. He is studying engineering while he plays right-wing for the Sharks. Although he plays super hockey right now, he’s planning to give it up soon to finish his studies and take over Uncle John’s company, Blackburn Enterprises. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I do know that they make stuff for the military and so.
I turn my head to look at Logan, age 21, leaning against the wall. He’s the star quarterback for the 49ers and my dramatic brother, the little bad-ass, womanizer. And just like his siblings, he can’t seem to stay out of trouble and the tabloids.
“Mel!” Enrique jumps on top of me, making me almost spill the last coffee.
“You’re daydreaming AGAIN!” Logan pulls the last words out and I just give him a faint smile. Ye, it’s something I do a lot, I know. I call it brain-running. It’s as if I just can’t switch off my brain, even at night. As much as I hate to admit it, mostly it’s about Damion. Don’t judge, I don’t have to like the guy to divulge how incredibly sexy he is. But mostly it’s about how much I hate him, or how to get back at the ass-head dick. Not that I ever think about his ass … or his dick … oof, Mel, oof.
“I was just dreaming of my sweet little brothers.” I spit out the lie without even blinking my eyes.
“Ug, that’s not creepy at all.” Logan moans pulling his I-smell-shit face. I stick out my tongue at them and get up to start looking for something to wear.
“Maybe you girls should start titivating for the party tonight, while us boys go and get something to drink.” They all get up and move out of my room and I hear Enrique’s sexist comment “Damn, it’s good to be a man!”
“You know that Jason is also going to be here, right?” Kiara asks me as soon as the boys leave. I pull a face. Jason grew out of his cowardness over the years and turned into a hunky jock and one of the most popular boys in school, but he’s still the same jerk. I just bear his annoying ass because he’s friends with Ren.
But my mind is not on Jason or Ren, Damion is coming and it’s going to be hell to see him again. And I might see more of him now that we’re going to stay close together, that is when he’s not racing somewhere. Even though I hate his guts, I must admire his performance on the track. He’s the youngest motorbike Grand Prix champion ever, and he always breaks records as if it’s nothing.
But it’s not like I watch his races on TV or something. Ok, I watch some … maybe most, or all of them … but it’s because I like bikes and also because my brothers watch it all the time. It’s got nothing to do with him. I don’t know why my stupid brother had to go and make friends with the worst guy ever.