Trigger warning. This chapter is graphic towards the end.
It’s been a month since the morning I told Zander everything and I have shut everyone out; Miya, Zander, even my mom. I get through my day as a shell of a person, it’s the only way I can make it through.
I talk to my mom enough to keep her away, to keep her from flying out here. I ignore the glances and looks I receive from Miya and Zander. I eat lunch alone, only talking to people as needed. I fake my way through work until I make it home, where the voices and inner demons live and tear me down.
I am alone, isn’t that what I wanted in the first place, to be left alone, to wallow in my self misery as I keep myself alive for people who aren’t me? I can’t meet Zander’s or Miya’s eyes, more so since the first time I caught them talking in whispered voices a few days after Zander and I came back from our business trip. There is no telling what they spoke about, did Zander tell her what happened between us, what I told him in an attempt to shove him away? Their hushed voices would stop as soon as they spotted me.
There is no clean streak anymore, I broke it again the moment I got home from that weekend with Zander. It’s the one thing keeping me as grounded as I can be right now, the one thing that brings me some type of solace and peace of mine. My upper thighs are lined with wounds in different stages of healing and I love it, yet hate it all at the same time but I can’t stop, I’m in too deep. I’m too broken to really care, to stop driving a blade across my thighs. It makes me forget, it gives me something else to focus on until the feelings return. It’s a temporary solution and the only permanent one is death, my own death...
I come back from lunch a few minutes early, I couldn’t eat. The only thoughts that were in my head are those of Zander and Miya, the worried looks on their faces when they see me, maybe if I wasn’t around anymore they could move on.
I place my bag on my chair and I can hear muffled sounds coming from Zander’s office as I return.
“We need to do something Zander,” Miya’s voice hits my ears as I carefully inch closer to the slightly cracked open door.
“What do you suggest Miya? Lock her up and throw away the key?” I can hear the emotion in Zander’s voice as he talks, there hurt in it and it feels like a nail in my coffin. I’m hurting him...
“I don’t know, maybe. Are you even watching her Zander, she’s a mess.”
“Of course I am Miya, I’m around her all day. But she’s fragile, one wrong move and she’ll break.” Another nail in my proverbial coffin.
“She’s already broken.” Another nail.
I can’t listen anymore, I move away from the door, my heart and head a mess. It is one thing to think they are talking about me but another to hear it. They are too worried, too wrapped up in me and my issues that they aren’t moving on.
I can’t stop the tears that fall down my face as I step onto the elevator and press the button for the roof, a pair of scissors in my hand.
It doesn’t take long for the door to open up, showing the last set of doors for the roof. I carefully step out of the door, the sun temporarily blinding me as I step outside.
There a poetic moment to this whole thing, dying for someone you care about; dying so that they can move on because as long as you are around, as long as you are alive, they won’t move on. They won’t let you go.
Maybe that is partly my fault, I couldn’t walk away when I should have, I couldn’t get myself to pack my bags and leave. My last attempt was a failure, but I won’t mess up this time.
As I look over the edge of the building, fear takes over. Heights are not my thing and while jumping seems like the best option, I can’t get myself to get up on the ledge. So instead, I sit on the ground with my back against the ledge.
I close my tear-filled eyes as flashes of Zander and then Miya runs through my head. It’s better this way, better to be dead, which is exactly what I should have been years ago.
I open the pair of scissors, pressing one sharp edge of them against my skin, pressing it hard against my skin, and sliding it fast across my wrist.
“Freya, no!” Zander’s voice screams in my ears and my eyes flash up to see him running towards me. I can see the fear on his face but I look away quickly switching the scissors in my hand to slice my other wrist. But before I can do it, his hand wraps around my bloody wrist, causing me to drop the scissors.
I attempt to wrestle my wrist away from his grasp, “no, please, it’s better this way,” I cry out to him. He doesn’t understand, he’s better without me. His grip on my wrist tightens as he pulls me against him, “Zander please,” I beg him as a sob rips through me.
“I’m not letting you do this Freya.” I can hear the hurt in his voice, but it only confirms everything I already know. I cause him pain, he is better if I am gone.
“You’re better off without me, please,” I cry against his chest, begging him to just let me finish what I started, begging him to just let me die.
“When are you going to realize just how much I care about you?” His voice is so quiet but I can still hear him as he whispers the words softly against my head. Something pinches my arm and when I lift my head I see paramedics around us right before everything fades to black.
If you or a loved one struggles with suicidal thoughts please contact your local/national suicide prevention line for help.