A Reason To Live

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Chapter Thirteen

By the time I leave the room the sun has set for the day, Zander and Miya sit quietly in the living room. I avoid their eyes as I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottled water from the fridge.

This whole situation is weird and I’m not sure what to do so I take my water and walk back into the spare room once again.

I sigh and set my half-empty water on the table by the bed, all I want to do is take a shower and get the hospital feel off of my body. But I don’t have clothes and I’m not sure what to do. The thought of going back out there and facing them is not an option, why couldn’t Zander just take me home?

Sometime later Zander walks into my room holding a towel and some clothing, “I figured you would like to shower.” He places the items on the bed but I make no movement towards it.

“Is she gone?” The question leaves my mouth before I can stop it.

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to be here Zander but I realize I don’t have much of a choice, however, the least you can do is have it just be you and me. I don’t need another set of eyes staring at me all day.”

“I’ll tell her but she’s going to want to see you, Freya, and I can’t deny her.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Well, I’m not going to.”

I glare at him, “Is this how it’s going to be, I’m going to request something and you’re just going to deny me?”

“Until you understand how much people care about you, yes.”

A growl comes from my throat at his words. I get up and grab the towel and clothes laying on the bed as I walk towards the door, out the room, and into the bathroom.

I spent a long time in the shower, washing, and scrubbing and then just letting the water cascade down my body until it turns cold and I can’t stand it any longer.

I grab the clothes Zander gave me moments ago, the shirt is long and the shorts have a tie in them so I can tighten them around my waist.

Zander is leaning against the wall when I open the door to the bathroom, “I had food delivered.” He holds out his hand and I know he wants me to grab it but I just can’t. Instead, I turn and walk towards the kitchen. Zander appears next to me a first aid kit in his hand, “we have to change your bandage.”

“I can do it myself.”

“Just give me your wrist.”

I can’t, I don’t want him to see it but before I can argue again, his hand is wrapped around my arm and my bandage is off my wrist. I’ve seen it before, while at the hospital, I know what it looks like. I only cut deep enough to need a few stitches, even if Zander didn’t arrive the likelihood of me actually bleeding out and dying from a cut as shallow as that was probably low.

I don’t watch, don’t meet his eyes as he wraps the gauze around my wrist and tapes it off. I don’t meet his eyes as his thumb glides over my newly bandage wrist and I don’t meet his eyes as he lets go of my wrist and hands me a plate of food.

I pick at my food, unable to really eat. Zander says nothing as he gets up, grabbing my mostly full plate of food and walks inside the kitchen to clean up.

I’m used to quiet but this silence is deafening. “Why am I here Zander?” I ask through the silence that surrounds us.

Zander doesn’t answer, just continues to move around the kitchen cleaning up. “Why am I here?” I ask again louder as I get out of the stool I am sitting in and walk around the counter.

He doesn’t answer me again and fury runs through me, he’s ignoring me and it's pissing me off. “Zander,” I say loudly as I walk inside the kitchen, pulling on his arm as I talk, “why am I here, why did you sign that paperwork at the hospital?”

Before I can even take another breath, Zander has me shoved against the fridge, his arm across my chest and my eyes staring into his blue ones. “Because I give a shit about you, because I care, because watching you slide those scissors across your wrist did something to me, Freya.”

“Zander you can’t-”

“Can’t what Freya? Care, worry, having feelings for you? You don’t get to decide that and you can shove me, and even Miya, away all you want but I know you care too. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself, you wouldn’t have thought that I was better off with you gone.” He presses more against me and I can’t look away from his eyes that are full of fire as he talks, “But guess what, Freya, I’m not. I wouldn’t be better off with you gone.” His voice breaks towards the end and I can’t stop the tear that slips from my eye at his words, the hurt in his voice.

I can’t say anything anymore, there isn’t anything to say, anything I can say at this moment. We are both broken, the only difference is, I’m the one who broken Zander, it’s all my fault.

Zander’s weight shifts against me and I’m pulled forward against his chest. I close my eyes as he holds me close and places a small kiss on top of my head, “let’s go to bed.” His words are mumbled against my hair but I nod anyways.

I make my way towards the spare room but before I can walk inside, Zander grabs my arm and pulls me into another room. It doesn’t take long for me to realize he has pulled me into his bedroom. “You’re not sleeping alone,” Zander says as he stands next to me.

I open my mouth to argue but after the event in the kitchen just moments ago, all I can do is nod.

I follow Zander into the bathroom and he hands me an unopened toothbrush. I grab it from him silently, opening it up before taking the toothpaste from him as he shoves his toothbrush in his mouth. We stand in his bathroom, at his sink, silent, the only sound that can be heard at all is the sound of us brushing our teeth.

After we finish I climb into his bed as he walks over to his closet to change. I keep my back towards him as I hear him rummage around behind me.

Zander’s arms wrap around my waist after he climbs in beside me, pulling me closer to his chest. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, he shouldn’t be holding me, wrapping me up in his warmth, in this imaginary safety that I feel when he’s close. I’m going to be the death of me and then him. .

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