The sound of loud ringing blares in my ear, waking me from my sleep. The time on the clock reads 6:34 AM and I curse the noise that woke me before realizing it’s my phone.
I get out of the bed and follow the noise to my hospital bag sitting on a dresser in Zander’s bedroom. I dig it out right as it stops ringing.
One missed call: Mom
I sigh and then the phone starts ringing again in my hand. I groan before taking a few steps back and sitting on the bed.
“Hello?” I say answering the phone and holding it up to my ear.
“Freya, don’t you know how to answer a phone?”
“It’s not even fucking 7 am, Momma. You woke me up.” Hints of my accent slip from my mouth as I talk, Zander stirs in the bed behind me.
“Well, since you didn’t want to come home with me I’m worried. You need to call me more now Freya.”
“Well, I have failed at killing myself twice now so you have nothing to worry about.” Dark humor at its best huh? Zander’s hand touches my back and I turn to look at him. I regret the words immediately as I take in the sullen look on his face at my words.
My eyes cast down as I turn back around, away from his sad gaze. “Freya, you can’t joke like that, it’s not funny.” I roll my eyes. “Is your boyfriend right there, I want to talk to him.”
“Momma, he’s not-” The phone gets pulled from my grasp before I can finish my words.
“Hello Mrs. Conner,” Zander says, I glare my eyes at him as he talks to my mom.
“Yes Ma’am... I am.. Of course... I assure you your daughter is safe in my care... I did.. Okay, we will talk to you later. Goodbye.” I watch as he presses the end button on my phone before reaching over and placing it on the side table next to him.
“What was that all about?” I ask him as he looks at me.
“She was just check in Freya, she’s worried.” I roll my eyes at his words. “She wanted to make sure you’re safe here.”
“She wanted to make sure you hid all the sharp shiny objects,” I say seriously.
“I did,” Zander says seriously, causing a sigh to come from my lips. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me backward, “come on let’s go back to bed.”
I allow him to lay me back down on the bed before I speak, “don’t you have to go to work?”
“The joys of being CEO is I can work from home, so nope.”
“You can’t babysit me, Zander.”
“Oh but I can.”
“You already took away all the sharp shiny objects,” I mumble using his own words against him.
“You really expect me to leave you alone after what you just did?”
I shrug, “maybe.”
He sighs before pulling me against him, I turn my head to look at him, his eyes are closed, “when are you going to realize how toxic I am to you?” I ask him softly.
His eyes open, showing me his blue eyes, “when are you going to realize that you are worthy of life and love?”
I say nothing, I can’t say anything. We stare at each other for a bit until my eyes get heavy and I fall back asleep.
I wake up later to an empty bed and the smell of bacon coming from the kitchen. I slip out of the bed and walk into the kitchen, Zander stands at the stove cooking. I sit down at the counter and he turns to look at me, “Morning, I’m almost done.”
I watch as he places the pancake in the pan on the stack on the counter before turning off the stove and placing everything on the counter in front of us and two plates. I grab a piece of bacon and nibble on it as Zander gets us something to drink and then I freeze in my movement at the sound that hits my ears. My heart drops to my stomach and I put the piece of bacon down on the empty plate in front of me.
Zander turns around, placing a glass of orange juice and two pills in front of me. “No,” I say quickly.
“Freya, you have to, come on.”
“No, I’m not taking pills, Zander.”
“Freya..” He doesn’t say anything as I jump out of the chair and take a few steps away.
“I’m not taking anything, you have no idea what it’s like to be drugged up all the time.”
Zander steps from around the counter and towards me as I back away, “They will help you.” There’s a softness to his voice but I don’t care, can’t care.
“I don’t want help.” My back hits the back of the couch and I can’t go anywhere.
“And I don’t want you to kill yourself.”
“You’ll be better off.” My words come out softly as he stands in front of me. I wish he could see how badly I am hurting, how badly I am hurting him.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“Stop saying that.” My voice comes out louder this time, more sure, but my heart is racing in my chest at his words.
Zander says nothing as his eyes search mine. I’m not sure what he is hoping to find but he’s not getting it, whatever it is.
His phone rings, his eyes never breaking contact with mine as he answers it, “yeah?” He listens to the person on the other end of the phone, “that’s fine, send me the contract I’ll sign it.” He hangs up the phone and puts it away but he still doesn’t move and neither do I.
“See, I’m replaceable,” I say finally, there’s a shocked and confused look on Zander’s face at my words. “You hired a new assistant, you’ll be fine without me.”
“Just a temp, until you’re ready to come back.”
I roll my eyes and groan at his words, “I’m not going back, Zander.” I push him away from me and walk around the couch, towards the hallway.
“What do I have to do Freya?” His words cause me to stop in my steps and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before I turn around and look at him.
“Nothing.” I turn back around before I can see the look on his face at my words and walk towards the guest room. I wasn’t too sure if he understood what I meant. I want him to do nothing because every time he looks at me, every time he touches me; it makes it harder for me to finish the job, it makes it harder for me to want to die..