A Reason To Live

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Chapter Fifteen

I finally walk out of the room hours later and find Miya sitting in the living room, “son of a bitch.” I mumble as she looks at me. “What are you doing here Miya, shouldn’t you be at work?” I ask, staying as far away from her as possible. “Don’t you people realize it’s wrong to gang up on someone who is suicidal?” I spit out before she can say anything.

“No one is ganging up on you Freya,” Zander’s voice comes from behind me.

“Could have fooled me,” I mumble before I walk around Zander and disappear into the spare room once again.

There’s a knock on the door as I sit on the bed, “go away Zander.”

The door opens and Miya steps inside the room, “not Zander.”

I groan as she steps further inside, closing the door behind her. “What, Miya?”

“We’re not ganging up on you Freya, we are just worried about you.”

“Let me ask you something,” I say as I look at her, “when you and Zander were talking behind my back for the last two months how much did you share with him, how much did he share with you?” I’m angry and hurt and the questions keep spilling out of my mouth. “Did he tell you about the kiss he and I shared? Did he tell you about the death of my brother and dad and how it’s my fault, or about my drug addiction or my rape? Or about how those things are the reason behind my first failed attempt? Did you try to figure out how to confront me together, maybe back me into a corner so I can’t escape, lock me in a room until I listen to the two of you tell me how much care about me?”

“Freya, that’s enough.” My eyes jump to Zander who is standing in the doorway.

My eyes jump between Zander and Miya as I stand up getting defensive, “did you both get to find out that for the last two months I’ve been cutting my thighs in a lame attempt to drown out the voices. How does it feel to know you two are the reason behind every single slice I made on my skin?”

My breath leaves my lungs as I am slammed into a wall, Zander’s forearm pressed against my chest, “I said enough Freya.” My eyes widen as I take in the anger on Zander’s face.

I take a breath in as I look over to Miya, silent tears are falling down her face. My anger vanishes as my eyes dance between the two people in the room, I want to take back everything I said, every single angry word but I can’t, it’s too late. They fell from my lips out of anger and I have damaged Zander and Miya once again.

Tears prick my eyes as I slide down the wall, out of Zanders hold, a sob escapes my mouth as the tears fall, “I’m sorry.” I said covering my face with my hands, “I’m sorry.” Sobs rip through me as I apologize over and over, I’m supposed to be making their life easier and instead I’m tearing them down with me. Warm arms wrap around my sobbing body, and Zander’s scent fills my nose, pulling me into him as the emotions run through me.

Eventually, Zander picks me up and carries me into his room, placing me on his bed. Exhaustion takes over me from my outburst and sobs causing me to fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later and emerge from Zander’s bedroom, walking into the living room to find Zander sitting on the couch, Miya nowhere insight. “She left Freya,” Zander said, asking the question in my mind.

I bit my lip and nod slightly before walking over to the couch and sitting next to Zander, placing my head on his shoulder. I know I’m doing a 180, my emotions have been so heightened lately, I’m spiraling out of control. None of this is fair for anyone, especially not Zander.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper finally, breaking the silence between us.

“I know,” he says softly, placing his hand on my bare knee.

After a few minutes of silence Zander speaks again, “is it true?”

I lift my head off his shoulder and look at him, “Is what true?”

He turns and his blue eyes stare into mine, “what you said earlier?”

I bite my lip nervously as I think about everything I said, I’m not even sure what part he is referring to, what part he heard, but regardless it’s all true, “yes.” I lower my head, afraid to see his reaction.

His head touched the top of mine, “oh, Freya.” There’s a pain in his voice and I’m cracking.

“Please don’t give up on me.” The words tumble out my mouth before my brain can stop them.

“I won’t.”

***

It’s been a week since that night and Zander has been true to his word, we still fight every morning over the medication but I’m not there yet and I’m not sure if I ever will. Miya doesn’t come over and I’m kind of thankful, after my breakdown I don’t think that I can face her. I don’t think things will ever be the same between her and me.

Most days I sit in Zander’s office reading or listening to music while he works and today I find myself in there again. I sit wrapped up in a blanket curled up in a chair in the corner of his office, earplugs in my ears and a book in my lap. It is weird to be here, but I find I like it, there is just something calming about being around Zander.

My eyes glance up from the page I am on and find Zander staring at me while he talks on the phone. I catch him staring at me often randomly through the day lately. My cheeks turn red as I look back down at the page, rereading the same sentence over and over again.

One of my earphones being removed from an ear causes me to jump as my eyes flash up, Zander stands in front of me. “Dinner?”

“Yeah,” I say as I remove the other earphone, turning off the music on my phone and placing my bookmark inside my book.

I grab Zander’s outstretched hand as I stand up, letting the blanket that covers me drop onto the chair and placing my items ontop of it.

Ever since that night, Zander finds small ways to touch me. I’ve spent so long fighting my own internal battle, so long fighting back feelings and emotions, only able to feel the pain and hurt inside of me.

The pain is still there, but every touch, whisper, and glance makes that pain go away bit by bit.

He makes me want to live and it terrifies me.

His hand drops from mine as we reach the kitchen and he opened the fridge, I jump up on the counter, my shorts riding up slightly but I pay it no mind as I stare at Zander’s back. “What do you feel like?”

I shrug even though he can’t see me, “I don’t know, salad? Do we have chicken we can cook?”

I watch as Zander digs around the fridge, “yup.” He says turning around with a smile and then placing the package on the counter next to me after closing the fridge door.

He freezes in his movements and my brows furrow together as I follow his line of sight, directly to my thighs, old and newly healed cuts exposed. A gasp falls from my lips and I quickly try to pull my shorts down but Zander’s hands catch mine, stopping me.

It’s one thing to know about them, but another to see them in all their glory. I bit my bottom lip, trying not to cry as his hands let go of mine and he touches them lightly, sending warmth and a jolt through my body. “Zan,” I said softly, his eyes jump up to mine and I can’t figure out what he is feeling at the moment.

A sigh escapes his lips as his forehead presses into mine, he doesn’t say anything and neither do I.

Finally, he pulls away from me, “come on, let’s go light up the grill, its nice outside tonight.” His hands drop from my thighs and he walks away.

I let out a long breath before I jump off the counter and follow him outside.

I lay on one of the outdoor benches looking at Zander as he stands at the grill, placing the seasoned chicken on the hot grill. I turn my head away from him, looking straight ahead at the cloudy night sky. Trying to calm the emotions running through my body at the memories of what just happened in the kitchen by focusing on the dark clouds that slowly move.

I’m losing control and I don’t like it. The barriers I have placed around my heart and soul are cracking and I’m terrified of the outcome when they fall apart completely. Will I burn up in flames or will Zander extinguish them before they get out of control?

****

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