A Reason To Live

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Chapter Sixteen

Mature scene marked with * before and after so you can skip if you want.


Zander and I sit at the table, he is eating the salad that I asked for but I’m not really hungry anymore so I just move my food around the bowl.

“Eat Freya,” Zander says, my eyes jump up to find him looking at me.

“I’m not hungry,” I mumble to him as I lean back in the chair.

I can hear a sigh escape his mouth as he sets his fork down, “What’s going on Freya?”

I shake my head as I look at my hands in my lap, biting my bottom lip.

“Freya, talk to me. Come on, you’ve been doing so good, what changed?” He is right, I have been doing good, I have even found myself smiling and laughing just a little more than before every day.

“Everything,” I find myself whispering the answer. His fingers press against my chin, raising my tear-filled eyes up to meet his.

“I don’t understand.” There’s a softness in his voice and the walls around me start to shake, threatening to fall.

I fight against the collapse, hoping the walls will hold out just a little while longer. I can’t break, not yet, not now.

I can feel the tears start to fall from my eyes as we stare at each other. His fingers move from my chin to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

I don’t know what to do, what to say. I can’t say what I’m thinking, that he makes me want to live, that I care about him more than I can even admit to myself, that I’m terrified that the moment I’m all stitched back together he will leave, or that the moment I voice my everything he will be gone.

So instead I stand up quickly, knocking the chair I’m sitting in over causing it to crash to the floor before I run out of the back door of the house.

Tree’s surround Zander’s backyard and there is no fence so I just run and run, the sound of Zander’s voice calling my name over and over behind me as the tears fall down my cheeks.

I can’t look back, I can’t risk seeing him standing on his porch or chasing after me.

I run until I can’t run anymore. A scream that comes from my chest flows out of my mouth as I collapse to the ground on my knees as the walls around me collapse and crumble.

I sit on the ground, unmoving, trying to find the strength to get up.

It isn’t until the rain starts falling from the sky that I finally stand up and slowly walk back to the house.

I am soaked from the rain as I reach the edge of the woods, Zander’s home comes into view. I can see him standing on the porch, his head down and the rain falling on him.

I take a step forward and he looks up in my direction as I move towards him; he walks down the steps of his porch and as soon as he hits the grass I take off running.

The walls that have been holding me back are gone and all I want is to feel his touch against my skin. I have lost all control and I don’t care anymore.

I jump into his arms, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist as I press my lips to his, my fingers tangling in his hair. His arms wrap around me tightly as one of his hands makes its way into my hair.

I hear the sound of a door slamming shut and I pull away from Zanders’s lips, pressing my forehead against his, our breathing fast and hard. “Why did you run away?”

I can’t answer him, the second I say any of the words out loud they become real. My walls may be down but the fear is still there, still holding me back from saying things. “Freya, tell me what’s going on, please.” I can hear the pleading in his voice at his words.

“I can’t,” I choke out, refusing to open my eyes. I’m confusing him and it’s not fair. But it’s so much, how do I explain it?

“What do you want, Freya?” Silence fills the house. “Talk to me, tell me what’s going on inside your head.”

“I can’t,” I whisper softly. How do I explain my irrational fears?

Zanders’s arms drop from around me and I stand in front of him, the rain dripping off of our bodies and clothes onto his floor. His hand touches my face and I finally open my eyes and look at him.

“Why?”

“Because the second I say them they become real.”

I can see the emotion behind his eyes; kindness, caring, admiration. “They are already real, Freya.”

I step away from him, from his touch, his emotions, and the invisible grasp he has on me, “why can’t you just accept what I’m giving you?”

“Because I don’t want bits and pieces of you, Freya, I want all of you. I have been here this entire time, fighting for you, watching you go through so much. I’m right here, Freya, I’m standing right here and I know you feel what I feel between us. Why is it so hard to admit your feelings?”

“Because the second I do you are going to leave, Zander.” Various emotions swirl through my body, unsure of which one to grasp at, which one to hold on to.

“What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere.”

“Everyone I love or care about leaves. My dad, my brother. My mother is.. well you meet her.” I can’t stop the small laugh that leaves my lips at the mention of my mother. “I lost a lot when I spiraled out of control after they died and everyone left, every friend I thought I had, just vanished. I can’t lose anyone else. It’s just better for me to push everyone away.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Freya, I won’t leave you.”

Sadness and anger surround me at his words, “you’re not listening to me. It may not be your choice but you will leave me. It may not even be your fault but you will leave me, Zander.”

Zander moves towards me and I’m frozen in my spot as he stops inches away from me. His hand touches the side of my face and his voice is low and soft as he speaks, “I swear Freya I’m not going anywhere, I promise I won’t leave you.” There is so much being spoken in his eyes. He’s trying and I’m giving nothing in return.

I whisper the only words I can muster, the only words I can say right now, “you make me want to live.”

Zander’s lips crash into mine as he pulls me against me, my hands wrap around him as I kiss him back. His hands slid over my ass and onto my thighs, causing me to jump up and wrap my legs around him as he presses me against the wall behind us.

His lips leave mine as my fingers tangle in his hair and his lips brush down my neck, placing light kisses randomly as he moves down and then back up, “Zander,” I whisper his name before his lips find mine again.

*****

My back leaves the wall and I move my lips from his, trailing down to his neck as I pull lightly on the hair between my fingers causing a groan to comes from Zander’s neck lighting a fire in my core at the sound.

Zander places me on the bed and I lay back as he stands up and removes his wet shirt showing off his chiseled chest and abs. He leans down and lifts my shirt up slightly as he places small kisses on my stomach, moving up with my shirt. I lift off the bed slightly to help him remove my shirt, my chest bare.

He places a light kiss between my breast before cover a taut nipple in his warm mouth. I gasp at the feeling, arching my back as the other hand grabs and rubs my other breast while his mouth assaults me.

His mouth comes off my nipples and moves up slowly, his lips brushing along my skin. I lift my hips up, rubbing against his hard erection sending a surge through my core at the feeling, my fingers tangled in his hair.

My fingers leave his hair and slid down his chest and finally to my destination, the button of his pants. His lips leave mine and then his body leaves my grasp as he stands up and finishes removing his pants and boxers.

Before I can admire the view he is back on top of me, his lips on mine as he reaches a hand down and starts pulling on my shorts and panties. I lift my hips and help him remove my bottoms before he throws them to the side.

He pulls away and I look at him, his blue eyes staring back at me, “are you sure?” I can see the concern in his eyes at his question. Given my past and I know he’s worried but for once the memories of that night are far away, gone from my mind.

I nod my head at him, “yes.”

His lips crash into mine once again as he lowers himself, I raise my hips lightly as his dick presses against my opening, our kiss deepens, and then a mixture of pain and pleasure surge through my body as he thrust into me. I groan into his mouth at the feeling of him filling me.

His lips pull away from mine and his forehead rests against mine, “are you okay?”

I nod my head and I look into his eyes before I slowly grind my hips against him, letting him know it’s fine, I’m fine.

We grind together, our breathing speeds up with each thrust and we move faster together, soft low moans leave my lips.

“Zander,” I moan his name as the tension builds up inside of me, my walls tightening and contracting with every thrust.

My legs wrap tightly around his waist and my orgasm builds and builds with each thrust and rub. “Come for me, Freya.” Zander moans out.

It isn’t much longer before I come crashing down around him, a long low moan falls from my lips as I tilt my head back.

Zander’s movements don’t stop causing a second orgasm to build up faster than before.

I moan his name as it builds and builds and before I can even say anything a loud moan falls from my lips as my second orgasm takes over me, my toes curling from my pleasure.

Zander thrusts a few more times before a low groan comes from him as he comes.

****

Laying on the bed, my head resting on Zander’s chest and he lightly trails his fingers up and down my arm, I think back to earlier. All the things said and unsaid, “thank you.” I whisper softly.

“For what?” Zander’s voice is soft as he speaks.

“For not giving up on me and for letting me just.. be me.”

He squeezes my arm lightly, pulling me closer to him, “anytime.”

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