A Reason To Live

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Chapter Twenty-One

I never thought I’d be scared to go back to my apartment, but as I stand in front of my door, fear runs through my veins. There are no good memories in this small one-bedroom apartment. Maybe I shouldn’t have come by myself.

Taking a deep breath, I slid the key into the lock and turn it. The door unlocks with a loud click and I slowly open the door.

Dust and a musty scent hit my nose as I step inside, it’s been a while. Almost everything is where I left it that morning.

As my eyes scan the apartment, I noticed a few things out of place from when Miya come by and packed me a bag. She must have cleaned up a little bit too, the coffee mug I had left on the kitchen counter is gone.

The deeper I walk into my apartment the more the negative thoughts that have been dormant for some time start creeping up on me. You’re not good enough. You’re worthless. Replaceable. A project.

I take in a sharp breath at the thoughts and try to shove them away as I walk into my bedroom. I focus on the items in front of me; my bed, dresser, the opened closet.

I grab the black suitcase from the top of my closet and throw it on my bed. I just need to grab a few things and someone else can deal with the rest. They can burn it for all I care at this point. So much negativity is in this apartment.

I flip open the suitcase cover and walk over to my closet, grabbing a few nice outfits and the few t-shirts of my dad’s and brother’s that I own. I carefully fold and place their shirts in the suitcase before dumping the other clothes inside.

I move through my room quickly, going through the drawers in my dresser and grabbing the items I want, and tossing them in the suitcase too.

The longer it takes to get out the louder the voice becomes in my head. You’re just a project for Zander. Someone he thinks he can fix. I stop in my movements at those words. Am I just some project, something broken he wants to fix and as soon as I’m better I’ll mean nothing?

I shake my head. No, he kissed me before the roof, before everything. He already knew Freya, remember outside the bar?

I close my eyes, attempting to swallow down the lump in the throat. I shove the voice aside and make my way towards the bathroom. I need my makeup and other items. I throw the bathroom drawers open and grab my makeup items quickly, shoving them into the makeup bag on the counter.

I open the second drawer and freeze in my movements again. A metal razor blade sits in the drawers and the voice comes back. You’re a project, Freya. A shaking hand reaches out towards the pieces of shiny metal but before I grab it I turn around and run. Run out of the bathroom, my apartment, and leaving everything behind.

I keep running, my heart beating against my chest, my lungs fighting to take in a breath of air. But I don’t care, I can’t care. I need to get away, far away.

I’m not sure where I’m going, where I’m running too but I don’t slow down until I get where I am going.

I’m standing in the elevator of Zander’s building, heading for the top floor. I’m sweating and panting but I’m not there yet and even though I’m stuck inside the lift, I can’t stop myself from bouncing on the balls of my feet.

The doors finally open and I jump out, running towards his office doors.

“Nicole is he busy?” I ask her quickly as I approach her desk in front of his office closed doors.

She looks up from her desk, “no, you can go in. Are you okay?”

I walk past her desk, not answering her question, and open the door to his office. Zander looks up from the paperwork he’s looking over as I walk inside and close the door.

“Freya are you okay?” I can hear the concern in his voice as he stands up and walks around his desk.

“Am I a project?” I ask quickly, taking in quick breaths to calm my racing heart from the running I just did and the fear I feel.

My question causes him to stop in his tracks, “what?”

I can feel the tears well up in my eyes, “please.” I choke out, begging. “Answer the question. I just need...” I swallow down the lump forming in my throat, “I need to know.”

“Of course not. Why would you even think that?”

“Oh God,” I cry out as I sit down on the floor, finally letting the tears fall.

Zander’s arms and warm scent engulfs me as he pulls me into his lap, “what happened Freya?”

Between my sobs, I tell Zander what happened inside my apartment. He listens carefully, saying nothing as I talk leaving nothing out. Not even that I almost slipped up.

“So you ran all the way here?” He asks softly.

“I just ran, I didn’t even know where I was going until I got here,” I admit as I lift my head off his chest and look at him. “I’m sorry Zander. I just,” I swallow, “I needed to know if it was true or not.”

He brushes my hair out of my face, “don’t apologize. I’m happy to answer any questions you have okay?” I nod. “Good, I’m going to Miya grab the stuff you packed, and then I’ll handle everything else. You don’t have to worry about it.” The pads of his thumbs lightly rub against my cheeks, wiping my tears away.

“Thank you,” I whisper softly, “I’m sorry for all of this.” I look down as I take in a deep breath before letting it slowly.

“I’m here for you and if I haven’t shown you that yet I am defiantly doing something wrong and need to fix it.” I can’t stop the small laugh from leaving my mouth at his words. “Let’s go home okay?”

“But it’s not the end of the day yet.”

“It is now.”

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