A Reason To Live

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Chapter Twenty-Four

Its been 3 hours since Elizabeth and I were allowed back into Zander’s room and if I wasn’t in total shock from everything that has happened in the last few hours, I might have cared more that Zander’s mother didn’t try to stop me from coming to Zander’s room.

I sit in a chair next to Zander’s bed, my hand in his and the sound of the heart monitor beeping in the background. His left hand in a cast and a few stitches on his face.

Flashes of my brother lying in a hospital bed break into my mind periodically. I want to run out, run far, but I can’t move, I can’t leave Zander. I focus on Zander, pushing the memories out of my head and trying hard to focus on the fact that Zander isn’t as badly hurt as Josh was.

A nurse walks into the room but I pay her no mind as she does her job, checking his heart rate, blood pressure, and whatever she does. I just sit there, unmoving from my spot next to Zander, silently begging him to wake up, to be okay.

“He might not wake up for a few more hours, why don’t you two go get a cup of coffee or something.” The nurse says softly. “We will call you if anything changes before you return.”

I shake my head, my eyes never leaving Zander’s face.

“I think I will do that,” I can hear Elizabeth say. “Freya, would you like something?”

“No thank you.”

The click of the door closing behind me sounds loud compared to the heart monitor. I’m alone and I break apart. “You need to wake up Zander, you need to be okay. I can’t,” a sob tears through me, “I can’t do this without you. You promised you wouldn’t leave me.” Another sob comes from my chest as more memories of that night with my dad and brother rip through my mind. “Please don’t leave me too.” I rest my forehead on our entwined hands and cry until I can’t cry anymore.

A hand rests on my shoulder, scaring me. I look up to find Elizabeth standing over me, there’s a sadness on her face, “He’s going to be okay Freya, you just have to have faith.”

Faith. Such a simple word but there is so much meaning behind that one small 5 letter word. The problem is, I don’t trust anything, the world has worked against me for so long that I can’t believe in or trust anything. I’ve been dragged through the gutter over and over, how can you have faith when you believe in nothing.

But how do you tell a complete stranger that you don’t believe the man you love, her child, isn’t going to wake up? That the entire world has been against you for so long and it just keeps tearing you down? So instead I give her a small nod before I turn back to Zander.

****

Exhaustion falls over me as I look at the time, it’s after midnight, it’s been 16 hours since the accident. Zander’s doctor says the swelling has gone down and now it’s up to Zander if he is going to wake up. I haven’t moved from next to Zander, too afraid that if I go any farther than the bathroom attached to the room something will happen.

Miya stopped by a few hours ago with dinner but I barely ate anything. I stopped producing tears hours ago so I just stare at Zander, wallowing in my misery.

Elizabeth is asleep on the small couch in the room but I can’t sleep, I have been sleeping next to Zander for a while now and can’t imagine even trying to fall asleep without him. I’ve been laying next to him for so long now that it doesn’t seem right to not be next to him.

“Please wake up,” I whisper to Zander. “The doctor says you should be awake by now.” I grab his hand tightly, “you know if this were a fairy tale I would just kiss you awake.” I exhale the air in my lungs softly. “Do you remember the night we played Jenga and you kept knocking over the tower? I know you were losing on purpose, no one loses at that game as often or as much as you did that night.”

I study his face, hoping for something to happen at my words but he doesn’t move. “Do you remember that morning in New York, after I told you everything? You were right, I felt so much for you, more than I wanted to, more than I could admit. It took everything in me to walk away from you. I was so broken Zander, I didn’t think you deserved someone as destroyed as me. But I need you to wake up because I can’t handle you leaving me. And I realize that’s selfish of me, but I told you I couldn’t handle it if you left me too.”

I rest my other elbow on the bed and prop my head up, my eyes never leaving Zander’s face. But exhaustion takes over and Zander’s face blurs before me before the world goes dark.

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