As I stare at my own reflection in the mirror, I repeat to myself: “You’re a strong, confident and intelligent woman, who is fantastic and brave. You WILL make it! Just believe in yourself”. Sometimes I do that often, well too often, if you ask me, but it’s the only way to make it through this day. It’s not that often for me to attend big and important meetings, but it’s for my sake and the sake of the company I partially own. It’s hard being a bastard daughter and now a legitimized one, when you are unknown to the social life of New York.
From time to time, I still cringe at the memory of the discovery of my own birth and real-life parents. Spending my teenage life at an orphanage and then being adopted by a wonderful family was (in my own terms) “a gift from some god, which presence I didn’t even acknowledge”. Being loved by some unknown woman at the time (and today) was almost like “out of my body” experience and by living with her and her daughter and son, I finally understood why hope and love were so important in someone’s life.
So, the only way why I’m going to those meetings and still doing this is simple: I want her to be happy, secure and proud of me and also to provide a safe future for her and my sister. *my brother is totally fine on its own and he’s sometimes an asshole, so that is why I don’t include him in this “situation” - you know, me doing things I don’t love or adore, but I continue doing them simply because of the reason I mention before.*
After a long and thorough bath, I step into my closet and decide which suit to wear. Since I don’t have any knowledge about style and or fashion whatsoever, I decide that it’s right to wait for my assistant and let him choose which suit to wear. Because of his impeccable fashion taste and sense, I let him dominate me in that area, but in others, not so much. While I was waiting for him I decided that maybe now it’s the time to finally put a corset and to wear it under my suit. I didn’t believe in that stupid saying about underwear, (specifically lingerie) and it’s power to make you feel powerful and confident, but after putting it on me, I finally understood what it means.
Standing in front a mirror was and always will be difficult for me, but standing there only dressed in my corset and panties and garter belt made me feel a little more relaxed than I thought I would be. Being a 1.85cm tall, slender and somewhat modest in the curves area, will always be a little problem for me, but when I put those 5-inch heels, that seems to go away faster than I imagined.
Finally, I hear the door knob move and I know that Dani is here and ready to rescue me from my loathing thoughts. Like always he’s right on time, smiling, happy and ready for action This is not the first time he sees me like this and also not the first time that I feel almost naked in front of him. God, I still laugh at that memory.
I was going home after my work. I was so tired, I didn’t even think about eating or even taking a shower to relax me. I just entered my apartment, took off my shoes and my clothes and went directly to my bedroom. The moment I open the door I was greeted by a naked Dani waiting for me on my bed and “ready for pleasure” (that’s what he told to me after our long talk). I screamed louder that I meant it and throw the first object I could find next to me. Poor Dani, he immediately understood that all of that friendly flirting at the office and giving him the keys to my home so he can drop things when I couldn’t, weren’t an intentional booty call. I must admit he was indeed really gifted in all areas, but sadly I didn’t saw him as a possible love interest or in his own terms” a delightful and pleasurable distraction for as long as I wanted.” I just wanted his friendship and after that night, that is what he became - a friend I can trust and on who I can always rely when it comes to a fashion advice.
“Sooooo, why are wearing a tight beige corset? As I can remember, my birthday is two months away.” He said it sarcastically, with a smile plastered on his face. (did I mention that he has incredible facial features. If I haven’t, now you know that he has incredible facial features)
I returned also sarcastically. “Well, I thought that now is the time to feel powerful as the position I have in the N.Y social life”.
“Well, dear Matilda, you finally succeed!”
For some reason, I think he’s proud of me and also satisfied. Maybe because of my choice of lingerie or that I’m standing in front of a mirror and watching myself without an ounce of shame or self-commenting. He steps into my closet and goes directly to my shoe rack and picks the Casadei black leather ankle pumps and also a white suit from Public School and a black silky top. Before I dress into my suit, he tells me to change my corset and to put a black basque from Agent Provocateur.
As I was putting my mascara, I shyly thanked my mother for buying sexy underthings for every single birthday. She still has that hope that one day I will wear them in front of a male gaze or maybe purely for my own pleasure as an exercise for boosting my self- confidence. Well today is that day and I’m wearing them to make me feel powerful and confident and I like that their magic has started working on me.
As I leave my room, I take a final glance at myself in the mirror and strangely I feel secure and sure that this day will be an interesting one. I hope that I can manage this god awful meeting with my “real” family.