Dreamy Dylan

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#22 Jump off the cliff

“I erm…” Fuck. This wasn’t the best moment to drop that bomb, I guess. I just don’t think it’s a big deal at all. “I spent the night at Mila’s, and we always sleep in her bed together. It’s a big bed, and all we did was sleep. Well, we had a little cuddle in the morning on the couch because I was feeling so down about my fight with you, but that’s nothing to worry about. There is nothing between me and Mila.”

Kian doesn’t look convinced. “How would you feel if I slept in the same bed as some hot guy?”

I raise my eyebrows at him. “A random hot guy? Yeah, I’d find that concerning, sure. But if he was a good friend of yours, I’d have no issues with that. I trust you not to cheat, so if you’d tell me that it’s nothing to worry about, I’d believe you.”

“You used to be in love with Mila,” he argues, starting to get upset. “You wanted to be with her not that long ago!”

“Ages ago.” I sigh. “Kian, come on. How do you know I was in love with her at one point?”

“You told me.”

“Exactly. If there was something going on, do you think I’d have told you that the first week we met? You know everything about my romantic past. You also know I never lie. Not even little white lies. I don’t keep shit from you either. I didn’t have to tell you that I spent the night in Mila’s bed, but I did. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not a liar or a cheater.”

“I know.” He sounds calmer now and takes a sip of his coffee before going on. “I know that. I just don’t like it.”

“Because you think I would actually cheat on you, or because you’re insecure?”

He looks down at the table. “Maybe both? I don’t think you’re a cheater, not at all, but when I see all your friends… Thomas is ridiculously hot, Mila earns money with her smoking body, and Tracy is absolutely gorgeous. How can I not feel insecure next to them?”

“I thought you didn’t like any of them?”

Kian sighs. “I still have eyes, Dylan. I would totally understand it if you’d wanna sleep with any of them. Especially Thomas.”

I’m still surprised over the admission that he finds my friends sexy. Especially Thomas. “But… but Thomas is everything you don’t like! He’s got piercings and tats and he’s at least as weird as I am, if not weirder. He’s in an open relationship, he smokes weed, he raises his kids without gender constrictions…”

“I know, I know, but that body!” Kian shakes his head and shrugs. “Come on, you know what he looks like.”

Despite everything, I laugh. “Yeah, I do. I’ve seen him naked many times. He’s very hot. But trust me when I say that there has never been anything between us. Not romantic, not even merely sexual. Never. Sure, I joke about wanting a threesome with him and Tracy, but he’s basically a brother to me.” I touch my shoulder where the brotherhood tattoo is. “Besides, lots of people are hot. I could get a boner for a million people, but I love you. I’m committed to you. I only have sex with you.”

“I know.” Kian takes a deep breath and seems to make a conscious decision to let it go. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I don’t trust you. I’m sorry I let my insecurities get the best of me. And more than that… I’m sorry about what I said about Andre. He’s not the type of guy I’d ever go for, physically, but there was no reason for me to be such a dick about him.”

“Why were you? Obviously you’re not scared of me cheating on you with him.”

He groans. “I was jealous. You guys were dancing and I hated that I couldn’t just do that for you. I still feel so exposed when I do something like that. Even holding hands in public feels like a huge deal to me. To dance with you like that… And he just does it like it’s nothing.”

Kian was jealous of Andre? Now that’s a surprise for sure. I get it though. Andre and I are both completely comfortable with who we are, and Kian is the opposite of that. It must have been hard to see us having fun and being free like that, when Kian feels like a prisoner in his own body when we’re in public.

“I think there’s more we need to talk about,” he goes on after finishing his coffee. “You don’t feel at home here, do you?”

I’d been planning to bring that up as well, but I wasn’t sure how. “No, I don’t.”

“I wish you did, and I’d love to figure out a way for you to feel more at home in my house.” He sighs sadly. “You don’t even pet my rug.”

One second later, we’re both laughing like idiots. That last statement sounds utterly ridiculous, and we both desperately need to let off some steam.

“Would you feel better if I lay down in the living room and patted the rug?” I ask, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Maybe.” He shakes his head and sobers up a bit. “You get what I mean, though. It hurt to find out that you’re so uncomfortable in my house that you don’t feel like you can be yourself. I thought you were always one hundred percent yourself.”

“I tend to be a little…” I hesitate. “Well, I’m ninety percent around you, sometimes even down to seventy or something. It doesn’t feel like you can handle a hundred percent of me. I don’t think you’d like the full force of me either. Remember when your colleague saw me in the cheerleader costume? The Valentine’s Day mishap? Getting high with Thomas? That’s me, Kian. That’s me being myself utterly and completely.”

“I do like that.” I’m not sure if he believes that’s true or not. I think he does. “I don’t always respond well to it, I know that, but I’d never want you to stop being you just because I’m such a mess. And I really want you to move in with me.”

Wait… what?!

“You want me to move in with you?” I ask mechanically.

“You basically live here already, and you still don’t completely feel at home here. Maybe you would if all your stuff was here.” He takes my hand again. “This could be your house too. I want to move forwards, not backwards. I know we have a lot to work on, but don’t you think it would be easier if you had a place to call home again? I would feel less insecure if you’d be living here, I think. Plus…” His whole face lights up when he smiles. “You’d be living here. With me. We’d be living together.”

“But… but isn’t it… too soon?” My heart is hammering in my chest. A part of me is happy as a clam, doing the conga, but another part is shouting at me to run away while I still can. Will moving in together make things better or worse? I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.

“We’ve been together for almost a year, Dylan. I don’t think it’s too soon. I think I should have asked you to move in way sooner. What do you say?” He looks so hopeful, so excited about the prospect of having me around all the time.

“I don’t know.” I feel sick seeing his expression falter, but I can’t commit to this right now. “I need time to think about it.”

“Of course.” He smiles without conviction. “Take all the time you need. I promise I’ll be better about communicating about my insecurities instead of snapping at you. I know you need me to be better, and I swear I want to, Dylan. I know last night was on me. I’m so grateful you came home at all. That you’re still willing to try.”

“Of course. I love you.” I’m still sounding robotic, but I can’t seem to snap out of my haze. Moving in with Kian… I don’t know. What’s the right decision?

It could be amazing. The solution to all our problems.

It could also be a huge disaster, ending with me heartbroken and alone, and nowhere left to turn.

We could end like Thomas and Tracy, but we could also turn into Andre and Eric.

“Do you need some space?” Kian asks, his voice thin. “Should I leave you alone?”

“No, I just…” I shake my head and get up, holding open my arms. “Can you just hug me?”

He does, and when our arms wrap around each other, all feels right again. I really do love him. He’s trying so hard to be open about his feelings, and I know that’s difficult for him. He wants to live with me, when neither of us has ever lived with another person. That’s a huge deal. Maybe I should just jump off the cliff and trust that Kian will catch me.

Still, I don’t tell him yes just yet. I need to think about this. No more rash decisions.

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