Dreamy Dylan

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#47 We need to talk

#47 We need to talk

The next day, I still feel the same about my decision. Even while I’m battling a hangover and pretending to listen to Thomas talking about… I have no idea what he’s talking about to be honest. Something to do with a client, I think.

“Earth to Dylan!” He waves a hand in front of my face.

“Hmm, what?” I look up from my coffee, squinting at him.

“Dude, you’re not even listening to a single word I say.”

I didn’t say I was doing a good job pretending. He sees right through me. “I’ve got a bit of a hangover. Late night. Didn’t sleep well.”

He wiggles his eyebrows. “Andre?”

I shake my head. “Just… friends.”

Of course I want to tell him about Imani and Deidra, but I want to talk to Andre first. That feels like the right order to me. I already know I want to do this, so I don’t need to talk this through with anyone. All I need to know is if Andre is still up for dating me when I’ll be trying to have a kid soon. I already scheduled my sperm test for next week. If I’m going to knock Deidra up, we’d better make damn sure I’m fertile and my sperm is in great condition. So I called their fertility doctor first thing in the morning and set up a date to jerk off into a cup in her clinic. Very sexy, I know.

Somehow, I make it through the meeting with Thomas and one of our clients before crashing in the guestroom for a couple of hours. I’m seeing Andre tonight, and I need to be feeling fresh for that. I’m not 20 anymore. I need to sleep off this terrible headache and drink lots of water. I could probably use a shower too.

By the time I finally make my way to Andre’s apartment, I’m cured from last night’s binge fest, and I feel nervous as fuck. I’m holding a big-ass cactus when he opens the door and greets me with a smile.

“That might be the biggest cactus I’ve ever owned.” He takes it from me and puts it on the window sill in the kitchen. “I love it, thank you.”

“We need to talk,” I spit out, feeling like I’m going to burst if I don’t get this out soon.

He looks spooked now. “Erm… okay? Let’s sit down. Do you need a drink?”

I shake my head, my hands trembling when I sit down on the couch and wring them together. “I have to tell you something. Two things, actually.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” He takes a seat on the other end of the couch, far away from me. He rolls up the sleeves of his blue plaid shirt, then pushes them down again. I made him nervous too, I guess.

“It’s good. Or well, I hope you think it’s good. I think it is, but you might not agree.”

That confuses him even more. “Just tell me what it is.”

“First of all…” Best to tell him the good news first. Not that me becoming a father isn’t amazing news, but it will probably freak him out. This first thing won’t. I hope. “I know we’ve been taking things slow since I broke up with Kian, because… well, because I needed that, and you knew that before I even realized it.”

He remains silent, staring at me.

“I love that you’re so patient with me, but you don’t need to be. Not anymore.” I take a deep breath, finally able to smile again. “I really like you, and I am one hundred percent over Kian. Trust me, I got all the closure I needed when I saw him again. I wasted more than a year of my life on that asshole, and I don’t want to spend another second taking things slow with you because of him. I’d love to date you for real, if you’re still up for that.”

“Of course I am.” He scoots a little closer, taking my hands in his. “Why are you shaking, Dylan? Of course I want to date you. I think I’ve made that painfully obvious. I’m absolutely crazy about you.”

“Good, because I’m completely infatuated with you.” I lean in for a kiss, feeling a whole lot better when he pulls me even closer as our tongues do a dance that is slowly starting to feel familiar. He’s such a sweet, gentle person, holding my face in his big hands while he kisses me.

“Hey,” he whispers when we break apart. “Why are you nervous?”

“I’m a little worried about your reaction to the second thing I have to tell you.” Here we go. “I told you about Imani and Deidra wanting to have a baby, right?”

“Yes,” he replies, leaning back a little. “They told me a little about it themselves when they came to see Liv a while ago.”

“Right. They asked Matt and Derrek, but they said no.” I take a deep breath. “I asked them if they’d be okay with me being the father of their children, and they said yes.”

Andre drops his hands from my body and stares at me in what I can only describe as utter horror. “You… you’re having a baby… with…”

“With Imani and Deidra.” Fuck. I knew he would be shocked, but I didn’t think he’d be this appalled. “I know it seems sudden, but I’ve always wanted kids, and I’m 33, and I’m buying a house, so I thought…”

“You’re having a baby,” he mutters, shaking his head. “That’s… I mean, if that’s what you want, I am happy for you, and it’s amazing for the girls, but… where does that leave us?”

“Nothing has to change between us. I want to see where this goes, to get to know you even better, to do more than kiss, to finally give in to what’s been between us from the very start.” I try to take his hand, but he pulls away from me. “Just because I’ll be a father soon – if I’m lucky, that is – doesn’t mean that we can’t still date.”

He shakes his head. “You’ll be busy with all of that. Your entire life will change, Dylan. And I will… I don’t know.” He runs a hand over his face. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I thought you wanted kids too.” My heart is aching, and even though I told the girls I want this baby with them even if it means losing Andre, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

“I do, I want kids.” He sounds so sad.

“Then why is this such a problem? Is it because I’m having a baby with Imani and Deidra? I’ll have 50/50 custody, at least that’s what we’ll probably agree upon, so that means we’ve got a lot of time to get to know each other and date and stuff when the baby is with them, and you can obviously raise the baby with me. If we end up going the distance, my kids will be your kids too.”

Andre looks away from me, staring at his hands. “They won’t be. I’m not stupid, Dylan. I know how this works. Kids can only have three parents. You, Imani, and Deidra. I won’t be anything to those kids. A stepdad, at the very most. If we ever break up, after I’ve already become attached to the child…”

Fuck. That’s what Deidra was saying too. “Who says we’ll break up?”

“We’ve barely even begun to date, we can’t know that we’ll stay together forever.” He sounds utterly distraught. “I can’t do this, Dylan. I want kids, but I want them with my partner, and I want them to be mine even if I should ever get a divorce. I don’t want to risk losing… losing everything.

“So you don’t want to date me anymore?” I feel like crying. “This is it?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know. Probably. You’ll need to focus on becoming a father anyway. I don’t see how I fit into any of this.”

“Can’t you at least… think about it?” I’m begging, and I don’t even care. “I think we could be so good together, Andre. I’ve fallen for you. Big time.”

“Me too.” Finally, he looks at me again, his eyes wet with unshed tears. “I think you’re absolutely amazing, and I think I really could… I think I already…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but my heart is already racing.

Is he saying what I think he’s saying? Does Andre love me?

“Please think about it,” I beg again. “I’m all in, Andre. I promise I’ll always take your feelings into account, and if we do end up raising those kids together, I’d never keep you from seeing them if you’d ever leave me.”

“Who says I’d be the one to leave?” He wipes at his eyes, trying very hard not to cry.

“Because I can’t imagine ever leaving you once I truly get you.” I feel that in every fiber of my being. “Anyone who’s ever let you go is an idiot.”

He smiles despite everything. “I feel the same way about you.”

“Then why not try?” I feel hope surge up in me and I put a hand on the side of his face, feeling his beard prickling against my palm. “The baby doesn’t even exist yet. Even if we get lucky on the first try, it’ll be at least a year before he or she will be born. We need to get tests done, see a lawyer to take care of all the paperwork, Deidra hasn’t even started taking prenatal vitamins yet, and of course we need to inseminate her, and it could take many months before she gets pregnant.”

“I don’t know.” He puts his hand over mine, squeezes, and then takes it off his face and back in my lap. “I think I need some time.”

Time. That’s never a good thing. Nothing good ever comes from someone telling the guy they’ve barely begun to date that they need time.

“I don’t think I can do this,” he mutters, unable to look me in the eye. “It’s all so… It’s too much, Dylan. I want you, but I can’t just…”

“Think about it.” I’m on the verge of crying, feeling like I am losing him for good. Still, I can’t tell him I won’t have this baby. The second I thought of it, I knew this is what I need to do. Imani, Deidra and I met for a reason. I firmly believe in that. I’m supposed to be their children’s father. I know I am.

“Okay,” he breathes.

I sit there like an idiot, staring at him while he keeps fighting against his tears. My eyes are stinging too, and it won’t be long before I break down completely.

“Maybe I should go,” I tell him hoarsely.

“Yes, you should.” His voice is void of any emotion, like he’s already putting up walls to keep me out.

“Okay, well… bye.” I get up, hurt that he doesn’t even look at me when I walk out.

This is it. I lost the chance I had with him. He’s in love with me, or at the very least getting there, and I’m head over heels for him too, but none of that matters. If he can’t do this, I have to respect that. It’s what I need to do, though, even if that means losing one of the best friends I’ve ever had and the person I was already envisioning living with me in the house I’m about to buy.

Trembling, I get into my car. I can’t even manage to get the key into the damn hole, that’s how fucked up I am right now. Cursing, I hit the steering wheel a few times, and then I finally break down. Tears stream down my face, and I swear to God this is what it feels like to have a broken heart. I thought I’d hit rock bottom when I found out Kian was cheating on me, but that was nothing compared to this.

For a moment there, I thought I could have it all. The guy, the kids, the whole damn life. I should have known better. I already lost the guy, and there is no knowing for sure that this kid thing will happen. A million things could go wrong. I could be infertile, for all I know. The girls could still change their mind. It could take years for Deidra to get pregnant. She could have a miscarriage.

Yesterday, I felt like I had it all when I was standing in what might be my house one day, staring at the swing set. Now, I’m alone in my car, so upset I can’t even drive back to Thomas and Tracy’s place. It’s only 24 hours later, and I feel like the whole world has turned against me.

Slowly but surely, I manage to calm down a little. I can’t sit here all night. That’s beyond pathetic. I’m not a crazy stalker. Time to man up and get the fuck out of here.

While I’m struggling to find my key that I dropped at some point, my phone starts to ring. I take it out of my pocket, beyond shocked when I see who’s calling. That can’t be right. Why would he call me right now?

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