#63 My fucking dick doesn’t even work anymore
“Come on, Dylan,” I tell myself for the third time in five minutes. “You can do this.”
Yet it seems that I can’t.
Normally it takes me only two seconds to get hard. I just picture Andre on his knees, taking me inside of his mouth. Or I close my eyes and imagine him pulling my hair while he fucks me from behind. BOOM. Instant erection.
Tonight? No such luck.
It’s been fifteen minutes since I stepped into the guest bedroom in Deidra and Imani’s house, and I haven’t managed to even get so much as a semi. Every single time I think about something that usually turns me on, I start to worry about what it will mean if I manage to jerk off into the cup on the nightstand, and Imani uses it to inseminate Deidra. What will happen after I knock her up.
I’ll become a father. Something I desperately want, but what if I can’t do it? Andre will leave me, most likely. He won’t get on board, or I’ll pressure him too much and he’ll stop wanting to even try. I will be raising the baby all alone in that stupid big house I bought, and I will suck at it. Why the hell did I think I could do this? I’m good with kids because I’m basically a big child myself, but that doesn’t mean I am fit to be a father. With Andre I know I can do this. He balances out my crazy. Without him…
I don’t even want to think about that option. Losing Andre is truly the worst-case scenario. The thought alone makes me want to cry.
I should be masturbating, not crying.
Fucking hell, what’s wrong with me?
There is a soft knock at the door.
“Yeah?” I ask, my voice cracking.
“Dylan?” Imani asks, sounding uncertain. “Are you okay?”
I put my flaccid cock back into my boxer shorts and zip up my jeans. It’s not happening. “Come on in,” I call out.
She peeks around the door, frowning when she sees the empty cup on the nightstand. “Is something wrong?”
“I can’t even get hard.” I rub a hand across my face. “I’m sorry, I keep getting all up in my head. It usually takes me five minutes tops, I swear. Start to finish.”
“Is it because Deidra and I are in the house?” she asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Are we weirding you out?”
I shake my head, wishing that was it. “I’ve masturbated with other people in the next room before. Trust me, I’m not shy or anything. I just… I can’t get in the mood.”
“Take all the time you need,” she assures me. “We’re ready whenever you are.”
I smile tightly, knowing that I’m not going to be able to do this tonight. “I think we should try again tomorrow.”
“Oh,” she breathes. “You can’t…?”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Her tight-lipped smile says it’s not, though. This is only the first time we’re trying, but they’ve been waiting for this moment for forever. Long before I came into the picture, they already wished for a baby.
“I can try one more time,” I decide.
Imani wishes me luck and leaves the room. I take a moment to compose myself before exposing my dick again and putting on some porn on my phone. Maybe the visual aid will help. I try all my usual favorites, but nothing even so much as makes my cock twitch. Doubt creeps into my mind again, and I finally give up for real. It’s not happening.
The girls both look disappointed when I walk into the living room with the empty cup. Deidra is in a robe, nothing underneath, ready for something that’s not going to happen. The home insemination kit is on the table, glaring at me. Mocking me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I rub my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. “I just… I’ll try again tomorrow, okay?”
“Do you not… do you not want to…?” Deidra sounds like she’s about to start crying too.
“I do.” The last thing I want is for her to think this is about her. “It’s just… stuff. Fear, I guess. Andre.”
Imani nods, understanding flashing in her eyes. “Do you think…” She hesitates. “Dylan, I hate to say this, but if this is because he’s not supportive… He might never get on board. What will you do then?”
Yes, what will I do? I’ll go through with this, and be happy as fuck to have a child, but I’ll also be more miserable than ever before, because I’ll have lost the love of my life.
“I’ll figure it out,” I lie. “I need to go now. I’ll come back tomorrow night, okay?”
“Sure.” It’s Imani who gets up to walk me to the door.
We can both hear Deidra break down the second we step out of the living room and into the hallway. I tear up as well, and Imani rubs my back.
“I hate to make you leave like this, but I need to comfort my wife right now.” She sounds like she’s not sure how to handle any of this.
You and me both, Imani. You and me both.
“I’ll be fine.” I fake a smile. “See you tomorrow.”
As soon as I’m in my car, I break down too. Cursing, I try to force the tears back in, but it doesn’t work. I really thought I could do this without Andre’s full support. That having a baby was my purpose in life, and that this was the right time. What if it’s not? What if Andre is my destiny instead? Losing him is not an option. It just isn’t. Why the fuck am I risking our relationship?
The image of a beautiful baby pops up in my mind. I still want that. I really do. But there are other ways. It doesn’t need to be tonight. At the same time… If I back out now, Imani and Deidra will opt for an anonymous donor and the door on having a baby with them will be closed forever. I’m not ready to do that either.
Somehow, I manage to stop crying long enough to drive home. It’s not until I am in the elevator up to the apartment that I realize that I’m not supposed to be here. Andre doesn’t want me here. I was supposed to sleep in the spare bedroom at Thomas and Tracy’s place tonight.
Fuck. When the doors open, I move to press the button for the ground floor, but I can’t make myself do it. I need Andre right now. I need my boyfriend to hug me and tell me everything will be alright, even if it won’t be. Thomas and Tracy are like family to me, but they’re not Andre. No one is.
With trembling hands, I somehow manage to get my key into the lock and open the door. Andre looks up from his novel when I walk in, grabbing the remote to turn down the music blasting from the TV.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, getting up right away.
I shake my head, breaking into tears again. “I couldn’t do it.”
“Oh love…” He rushes over and wraps his arms around me, holding me close. When my tears subdue a little, he leads me to the couch and forces me to sit down. He makes me a cup of tea and puts it on the coffee table before sitting down next to me and rubbing my back in soothing circular motions.
“I couldn’t even get hard,” I bite out in between sobs. “Deidra was crying when I left.”
Andre doesn’t say anything, just comforts me. I bury my face against his shirt, getting him all wet. I’m so glad I came home. This is the only thing I need right now. Him.
“Maybe this is all wrong,” I mumble into his shirt.
“What?” he asks softly, stroking my hair.
“All of it.” I pull back to get some more air. “Having a baby with them.”
“You want this,” he reasons with me. “You’ve been saying all along this is what you want to do. Need to do, even.”
I shrug, not so sure anymore. “Maybe it’s the wrong path after all.”
Andre seems confused, and he doesn’t look relieved at all. I thought he would be, since he was never a fan of this plan to begin with.
“It didn’t hit me until I was sitting there with that stupid cup…” I shake my head, trying to calm down a bit. At least the tears have stopped flowing. “You’re it, Andre. If I lose you…” Ah fuck, there I go again.
He pulls me back into his arms, holding me until I’m all cried out. Finally, when we pull away from each other, he speaks up again. “You’re not losing me, Dylan.”
“I might.” I pick up my tea to take a sip. “When Deidra gets pregnant and it all gets real, with ultrasounds and me prepping the nursery and all that stuff, you will realize it’s too much after all. You will leave me.”
Andre doesn’t deny it. “You knew all along that was a risk, love. You also know that we’re both fighting to make sure that won’t happen. I haven’t run for the hills yet, have I? You can’t be sure that I will.”
“I also can’t be sure that you won’t.” I’ve never been so indecisive in my life. “Maybe this was a stupid idea. I want to be a father, but losing you…” A sob rocks my body without warning, and I spill tea all over myself. Thank God it has cooled off already. “I can’t, Andre. I just can’t. You’re it. The one. All that sappy shit. The person I want to grow old with.”
He grabs a tissue and gently wipes the tears from my face. “You’re it for me too. I’m surprised…” He doesn’t go on.
“Surprised?” I echo. “That I feel that way?”
He nods, looking a little uncertain. “You seemed so sure until now. That you wanted kids more than anything, even if it meant losing me. I’m not going to lie, that was hard for me to come to terms with. That the person I see myself with in ten years, twenty years, thirty, forty, fifty…” He trails off, taking a moment to find the right words. “I didn’t think you felt the same way. I was fighting to keep you, but it didn’t feel like you were as upset as I was about the possibility of us breaking up.”
Hearing him say that breaks my heart. “Of course that thought upsets me!” I gesture down at myself. “My fucking dick doesn’t even work anymore because I’m so scared that coming in a cup will end our relationship!”
A small smile tugs at his lips. “You really couldn’t get hard?”
“How is this amusing?” I’m starting to get angry now. I’m not truly mad, but all my frustration needs to come out somehow.
“It’s not,” he says quickly, taking my hands in his. “It’s not funny at all. I’m just glad to know you feel the same way. That you want to keep this, to keep us, just as much as I do.”
“I love you.” My anger is already subduing. “Of course I want you to stay with me.”
He looks so happy it makes me feel a little better too. “Then we’ll figure it out. You and me. And you can try with the girls again next month, right? All isn’t lost.”
“I’m going back again tomorrow,” I confess. “But I’m not sure if I should. Maybe tonight was a sign that I’m on the wrong path.”
Andre shakes his head. “Of course it’s not. It’s a sign that you’re stressed. You’re worried, and that’s normal. Doesn’t mean that you’re not supposed to have a baby with Deidra. I know how badly you want that. You’re going back tomorrow, and if you can’t get hard, you call me.”
“Call you?” I’m confused now. “Why?”
He leans in a little, whispering. “Dirty talk, love. Always works wonders for you, doesn’t it?”
“You’d do that for me?” I can’t believe he’s offering that.
“I’d do anything for you, Dylan.” He sounds so sure of that it takes me off guard. “Text Deira and Imani to assure them you’ll really be back tomorrow. They must be freaking out. And let Thomas know you’re staying here tonight. You and I are going to bed early so you’ll have plenty of energy tomorrow.”
Dazed, I do as I’m told. This is not how I saw the night ending. Not at all. I’m not sure what to make of it. Is he for real? Is he suddenly getting on board? Actively participating, even? That seems… sudden.
Then again, if he really thought that I didn’t care about losing him, tonight must have put his mind at ease. Maybe this is what he needed. To see what it does to me to think of him walking out on me. It fucking breaks me.
One day at a time. That’s probably the best right now. I need some sleep, and some more cuddles and kisses from my favorite person in the world. We’ll talk again in the morning to see how we feel then. No good decisions were ever made late at night after crying your eyes out.
“I love you,” Andre tells me over and over again when we snuggle together in bed. “It’ll all be okay, love.”
Somehow, I believe him, and I slowly manage to relax.
It will all be okay. If Andre says it will be, I choose to believe him.