A wistful glance

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Chapter 4 - The First Summer

"Seb, let me know when you get this"

"Hey, I'd really want to talk to you"

"Ben told me you're going to Germany for the summer. I wish you'd told me when we met at my party. Anyhow, since you haven't actually replied to any of my messages since then, I hope you have a good summer. I'll be here when you return"

I've messaged Seb quite a few times after my graduation party but I haven't received anything but silence in return. But this time, unlike all the other confusing encounters, I was sure Seb wanted to lean in and kiss me at the party. There was not one ounce of doubt in my mind as I can clearly still feel the warmth in his eyes and the lust on his lips as he was leaning in. I knew then and there that Jake coming over right at that moment made him build an instant wall and shut me out. I knew the only way we could see where we both stand was by talking. And this is now the third week since I've been texting him without a single reply. I don't blame him though, in my heart of hearts I know that if he's feeling even half of how I feel around him, he's probably scared of what this means for both of us. Not to mention, this time around I am the one dating. Well, sort of. When Jake came over to Seb and me, he noticed we were both leaning in for a kiss and as Jake walked me to the dance floor he made a comment: "Darling, next time don't mix your fuckboys with real men. Someone could have seen you." I was so infuriated with the fact he called Seb a fuckboy, with him presumably being okay with me kissing another guy, and with his overall attitude that I told him I don't have any intentions of dating him any longer.

Of course, Seb did not know this. My heart was at ease anyhow knowing that starting tomorrow I'll be moving in my apartment in NYC and eventually he will need to talk to me and we would need to come clean about how we both feel. That is until an hour ago when I was FaceTiming Chloe and Ben. Ben just mentioned they'll be going out tonight for drinks since Seb was leaving tomorrow for an 8 weeks internship in Munich, Germany. I gasped as this was completely unexpected and instantly made me feel that maybe, just maybe, the way I felt he looked at me was all in my mind. Maybe I've been chasing him with texts and became an annoying stalker that he can't just block since I'm his best friend's cousin. Maybe he was not replying hoping to spare me the embarrassment of a refusal since he anyhow knew he'll be leaving the city soon.

"I had no clue Seb won't be here over the summer. I'm sure he'll enjoy Germany tho" I told Ben and acted like the information he just shared was nothing.

"I don't really know what has gotten into him. I knew our Dean asked Seb and me several times if we'd like to pursue an internship abroad for the summer but we were so excited to have our first summer in NYC with you guys joining that we both refused. Then yesterday he just dropped the bomb on me that he applied and he's going."

"Well, good riddance! Chloe laughed. He's the one missing on an awesome summer with us! Alex, are you all packed? Ready to be here tomorrow? Excited? Nervous?

"A bit of both Chlo, I told her. But I felt as, above all, I just felt a little sad. Seb won't be there. Seb chose to not be there. Maybe Seb never actually looked at me as I look at him.

As I was getting ready for sleep that night, my phone chimed on my nightstand. Realizing I forgot to put it in silence, I pick it up only to notice I had a text. It was Seb.

" I know I made a mess of the last few weeks and I am sorry. Ben just told me you know I'm leaving tomorrow so I thought it's best I try to explain. I really hope you do have the summer you dreamt of, I know for how long you've waited to move here. I've left something for you with Ben. Don't question it. x

Don't question it? Left something? Made a mess? Oh my God, how do I sleep now? What did he leave? Should I reply?

"Enjoy Germany. x"

Enjoy Germany? Really? Alex, you bloody idiot. Enjoy Germany? I wish I could travel in time and see what he's left with Ben and what does Ben know about what I should not question.

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