Despite Leo calming me down on Sunday night, on Tuesday I’m back to my anxiety ridden, nauseous self.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks, after I throw up for the third time this morning.
“No.” I brush my teeth again,
“It’s gonna be okay.” Dad hands me some Gatorade, the only thing I can drink.
“Hey.” Hannah wraps me into a hug. “Are you ok?”
“I don’t know.” Tears stream down my cheeks.
“What time are Leo and his mom getting here?”
“Seven, we have to be there at eight. She wants to take the girls to breakfast, and Leo’s going with us.”
“Oh that’s nice, I’m sure mom will appreciate that.”
“Yeah.” I grab a paper towel and wet it, rubbing my nose, which is red from running.
“C’mere.” Hannah wraps me into a hug, and my tears are dripping onto her shirt.
“I got your shirt all wet.”
“It’s fine.” Hannah squeezes me tighter.
“I should get ready.” I sigh, going into my room to pick out an outfit.
I grab a peach tunic and yoga pants.\
“Are you okay?” Ashlynn hugs me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I offer a small smile.
“Is Jenny taking us to breakfast?” Mady asks.
“Yeah, Jenny and Leo will be here in five minutes.”
Almost five minutes later, Jenny’s SUV pulls up.
“Hi.” Mom hugs her. “Thanks so much, for taking the girls.”
“No problem, do you want me to bring them to the hospital after?”
“No, can you drop them off at my mom’s? They’re gonna be with her while she’s recovering.”
“You’re kicking them out?” A tear streams down my cheek.
I don’t want the girls to have to leave their house, because of me.
“We asked to go there, so mom could take care of you. Just for a few days.” Ashlynn hugs me. “Relax.”
“Okay.” I sigh.
“You ready?” Leo asks, kissing my forehead.
“Yeah, we should get going.”
“Do we have to?” I ask.
“Yes.” Mom says, quietly. “ Let’s go.”
I guess I can’t back out now.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks, as we’re in the waiting room in pre op.
I don’t respond. I can’t pick my head up. I keep looking down.
Leo kisses my cheek. “Do you want to talk?”
I shake my head.
Leo runs his thumb down my cheek. “I love you.”
I love him too. I just don’t want to talk right now. I don’t feel like crying. Or throwing up. I’m glad I couldn’t eat anything this morning.
“Alexandria?” A nurse comes into the waiting room.
“Oh, good.” Mom puts her arm around me, and we walk into a room.
“How are you feeling, today?” She asks.
“I don’t know.” I say, quietly.
“Are you nervous?” She asks
I get ready to say something, else, but I burst into tears.
“She hasn’t had a very good experience with these types of surgeries before. So she’s very nervous about it.” Mom wraps her arms around me.
“I know Dr. Calloway is going to take care of you.” She hands me a gown.
“Can we talk to him before the surgery?” Mom asks.
“I can’t promise anything, but he will be able to talk to you after the surgery.”
“Okay.” Mom hugs me.
“Do you want to change into a gown, so we can get your IV started?” The nurse puts her hand on my forearm.
“Yeah, but I’m embarrassed.” Tears stream down my cheeks.
“Don’t be embarrassed.” She hands me a gown.
“Can I change here?” I ask, anxiously.
“We need a urine sample, sweetie.” She says, sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want to go out there.” Tears stream down my cheeks.
“Relax.” Mom rubs my back.
The nurse hands me a cup, and I rush to the bathroom, hoping none of the kids see me crying.
I quickly change into my gown, and go back into the room.
“You ok?” Mom asks.
Leo comes over, and kisses my forehead.
“I promise it’s not gonna be like it was before.”
Tears stream down my cheeks. “How do you know?”
Leo runs his fingers through my hair. “Because you know Dr. Calloway, my love.”
“You’re right.” I sniffle.
“Are you ready for your IV?” The nurse asks.
“No.” I say, despite holding my hand out.
“I’m gonna put some medicine in here before the surgery.” She says, quickly putting the needle in my hand.
“Are you nervous about the recovery?” Mom asks.
“No, I just hate being sedentary.”
Mom kisses my cheek. “I know.”
“Hi.” The anesthesiologist walks into my room.
“You ready to go in?”
“Not really.” I sigh, a tear escaping my cheek.
“Can I go in with her?” Mom asks.
“No ma’am, I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Mom kisses my hand. “I love you.”
Suddenly, I’m overcome with anxiety. I’m not ready to do this.
“Bye.” Leo lays a gentle kiss on my lips.
“No.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “I don’t wanna do this!”
“Relax.” Mom puts her hand over mine, “It has to get done. If it doesn’t, it’ll get worse.”
“You’re in good hands.” the anesthesiologist puts his hand on my forearm.
“I know, I’m just nervous.”
“That’s completely understandable.” He puts the rails on my bed.
“I love you.” Mom kisses my cheek.
“Love you.” I say, quietly.
As soon as I’m wheeled int0o the OR, tears are streaming down my cheeks.
“Hi, love.” Dr. Calloway puts his hand on my forearm. “What’s wrong?”
’I’m just really nervous about the surgery.”
“What are you nervous about, love?”
“Not being able to see anything after.” Tears stream down my cheeks.
“Honey.” Dr. Calloway rubs my arm. “I can assure you it isn’t going to be as bad as your left eye was.”
“Okay?” He takes my hand.
“We’re going to give you some medicine through the IV to get you to relax a little bit, sweetie.”
“Okay.” I sigh, wiping my tears.
“Sorry.” I sigh.
“It’s okay love.” He smiles, and puts his hand over mine. “I don’t blame you for being anxious, but my team and I are going to take good care of you.”
“Don’t worry sweetie, it’s going to be fine.” A nurse puts an oxygen mask over my face, and I’m out in ten seconds flat.