Lonely. That’s one word to call it.
The four walls that make up my room should be my safe haven but Instead I’m drowning and can’t catch my breath. I’m drowning all alone and no one is near to pull me out. I have accepted my fate long ago but I can’t seem to slip through the water.
I want to fight but I’m just so tired. I’ve tried to scream but no one can hear. It seems I’m all alone in this cloudingly big world.
Choking on my thoughts and life stories as I slip away through the water my body’s fighting instinct has refused my mouth to open, even when my head feels like it’s about to explode.
my body just can’t give up even when I beg it to. Why can’t I just stop fighting.
when time is ticking, awaiting for someone to come and save you but no one is within one hundred miles, why is hope still present?
Why is it in that moment you need someone the most when all you ever wanted was to be alone?
Trying to drown and the timer goes off and you finally inhale through the water. You’re body gives up and Quiet and utter peace surround you.
There’s nothing left to be scared of. That moment there makes up for the suffering.
In that moment there’s no pain. The feeling is indescribable. nothing matters anymore, the suffering is over.
The antidote for the pain. The medicine finally kicks in and you start to float away.
Leaving everything behind even when all it ever did to you was cause pain, it still hurts.
About to slip away somehow a wave knocks you back to the shore and you begin to breathe again. All that suffering was for nothing. You’re back to the beginning .
The pain comes flowing back. It always comes back.
Why does the world always keep saving the ones who don’t want to be saved?
Everyday feels the same. Hours are minutes and minutes feel like seconds. My mind is my own personal hell and I can’t run away.
I’m starting to believe things will never get better. What have I ever done to the world? I was just a helpless child trying to shut the screams out. A little girl listening through a thin wall.
I’m a senior in high school now. Get a load of that. You would think I’d be out at some party drinking under age with all my friends. I’m supposed to be making memories that will be told at the dinner table to my children. Memories to find commonalities with people and make others laugh and feel comforted.
Pathetic isn’t it?
A girl whose only friends are the characters in her books. The only people who could ever understand her don’t exist. all she wants is to reach through the pages and put herself in the story. she would be understood there. she would be loved.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions circling through your brain right now. Trust me I know. My mind never shuts off. all I ever wanted was to experience quiet. I envy the quiet. True quiet. No judgement, no tears, no doors, no walls, no screams, no pain. nothing.
I wish I could protect the little girl I once was and tell her everything will be okay. But I’m not a liar.
One thing I wish this world was rid of is liars.
Darkness seemed to be my only friend. We knew each other. We knew how it was like to be left behind and forgotten.
But no matter how long you are in the darkness for, the light always shines through. The night was the only place I ever felt hidden. Felt safe.
until that night. That night changed everything forever. What once hid me turned it’s back.
Sit tight, let me tell you a story of a frightened little girl, who’s experienced so much with no one to hold. All she ever wanted was for someone to give her a hug and pull her out of the darkness. She knew nothing about the light except the stars that shined in the sky.
She was lied to and wanted nothing but to fade away.
Until the day she met him that is.
She felt golden when she was with him. On top of the world and didn’t care about anything he had done. About anything he still does. He would never hurt her.
They were just two ghosts who finally learned how to breathe with one another.
She never loved anyone and him as well. They were broken but they picked up each others pieces.
But the past always finds away back, creeping in the shadows of a basement, the realm of a nightmare or even hiding in the ammunition of a gun.