I nod weakly, trying to convince myself that as well.
Removing my hand completely from Harry's I bite on my nails in an anxious force of habit. I never realize I'm doing so, until I feel the nail between my teeth. Resting my finger on my lips I move them back and forth instead.
"it doesn't work that way though Harry." I definitely shouldn't be out here right now but I had no other choice. I just needed air and I hope Philip understands. I'm not ready to go back in yet. I need a moment.
"Just stay out here for a little while longer. You can go back in there soon." Harry speaks softly trying to calm down my jitters. He's now sitting up right as well, placed directly in front of me. His long hair blows back in the wind, revealing his frame clearly.
"But what if-" I know i'm making excuses but i'm generally worried. I have to go back in soon, I know that.
"You've already been out here for a while Vi a couple more minutes wont do anything." Did he just call me Vi? Lifting my head in the wind the word rushes to my head. I like the sound of it coming from his mouth. His english accent sharp to the touch.
Inhaling I silently nod my head. Harry has a point and I have taken long breaks like this in the past to clear my head. It's nothing new so i'm sure Philip wont mind. He's probably already guessed what happened. He gives me my space during these times and I'm grateful he's so understanding.
"Okay. just a couple more minutes." I wipe my nose with my sleeve placing my hands in my lap sitting cross legged.
"What about Niall and Louis?" they're probably worried, he just kinda disappeared.
Harry brushes his hair back, combing his locks into a low bun from the intense wind. With the hair tie in his mouth he just mumbles, "their fine in there. They won't worry."
Harry knows his friends better than I do so I just leave it. "okay."
Brushing my hands over my arms I shiver a little from the cold. We're just looking at each other now unresponsive. Just sitting in each others company.
Whoever said silence is uncomfortable wasn't sitting with the right person. It's comforting to not have to feel the pressure of speaking. Just sitting here with the cool wind breezing past us has me feeling the most content I ever had. It feels liberating from the moment we just endured to just remain silent.
"Harry, can I ask you a question." Since we're being honest with each other now I wanted to ask him a pondering question.
"You have tattoos." He simply grins. "Nice observation." Tilting my head back I groan.
My knees pull up to my chest and I hug them for warmth. "shut up smartass." rolling my eyes.
"I just mean why did you get them. is it the same reason as your lip piercing." Since peaking down his shirt in the halls I have wanted to know why. I mean it's just not typical for a senior in high school to be covered in them.
Harry's body stiffens but loosen as the seconds go by. His hands lift from behind him, placing his two hands on the top of his buttoned shirt as he starts to unbutton from the top. "Oh Harry you don't have to if you're not-"
"M'not stripping darling just showing you a tattoo. you shared something so it's only fair." Nodding I watch in observation as Harry gets to the final button, opening his shirt wide revealing his skin.
"Staring at me are you." lifting my gaze from his chest to his eyes, my jaw drops slightly and I have to pick it up. "you'll be all over me one day darling."
"not gonna happen." Even a dog could know im lying but im really trying to stay away from him.
Harry grins and bites down on his lip. Damit im inflating his ego.
Harry smirks back at me, pulling apart his shirt. "Okay, take a look." he winks seductively.
"You're making me not want to look again." I giggle, dropping my shoulders, not bothering to look down below his chin.
"Okay I'll shut up, just look." Squeezing my eyes halfway he leans his head back, "oh common." A chuckle leaving his throat.
Giving up my playful act I look down at his chest. Many tattoos are spread all over coating the large areas of his skin.
Just like what I thought in the halls, two birds are revealed on his chest following a large butterfly on his stomach that meets your stare first. There's other smaller ones surrounding but these two stand out the most.
"Wow." is all I can say, in a trance from how beautiful the art is.
I wonder what the meaning behind them all are. They're quite peculiar but I won't pry. I know what it's like to keep something hidden, the feelings personal.
Harry points to the butterfly on his stomach, tracing the outline with his index finger. "Did you know that butterflies can't feel pain." Harry adds numbly and I look back into his eyes shaking my head.
Looking deep into him, His face looks like the normal Harry I know but his eyes tell another story. I know how vulnerable he's making himself right now.
"no I didn't. What do you mean they can't feel pain though Harry?"
Buttoning back up his shirt, opening his mouth nothing comes out. Closing his jaw he takes a moment looking into the ground recollecting his thoughts. A large inhale enters his lips.
"When I was around six I was in my backyard one day just playing around. I came across a butterfly wounded on the ground. Its wing was ripped off and I felt so awful because it couldn't fly away. It's one true nature was taken away from it. I just wanted to cry from how much pain the pure insect was in. no one should have to feel pain especially being such an innocent and beautiful creature. It didn't deserve that."
Harry finishes buttoning up his shirt and places his hands on the grass picking at it anxiously. Feeling the grass between his fingers then throwing it away from him.
"The butterfly was so beautiful. Its wings were a crisp color of sky blue. I had always been in awe of butterflies as weird as it may sound. They could fly anywhere in the world. They didn't have to be tied down in one place. I always wanted wings as a kid."
I have never seen Harry in this light. I've seen him honest before but this time was different. He put down his walls completely, defenceless to the world around him.
"The butterfly was dying and I felt so awful of the pain it was in. I wanted to kill it so bad. Put it out of its misery but I didn't want to hurt it. Crying, my dad came out wondering what the fuss was about. He saw the butterfly in my hand and threw it to the floor. Yelling at me how I needed to man up. That little boy's shouldn't cry. He squashed the butterfly with his foot and made me watch."
Harry squirms at the recollection of the memory but I Just listen remembering that's all I wanted him to do a few moments ago. no matter how much I want to get up and hug him right now he needs to get this off his chest.
My heart breaks for Harry. No young boy or girl should be told to hide their feelings because of their gender. We all feel and it's important we do so. Telling someone to bottle up their emotions because of their gender is disgusting. We all feel sadness and telling someone their feelings aren't valid is vulgar. Having empathy for other things, shapes the way we treat others and I wish my parents could have understood that as well.
I have a feeling Harry and I's parents ruined us both.
"I cried and cried. My dad yelled at me for being a weak little boy, telling me I should grow up and all. Running back to my room I slammed the door. My parents had always been awful. I just wanted to run away. I wished ever birthday I ever had that I would grow wings so I could fly away. Reaching my room I finally just exploded and punched countless holes in my walls. When I finished, my sore hands reached to the computer in front of me and I typed in 'butterfly'."
"After some research I came across a fact that said they couldn't feel pain. I felt a weight lifted off my chest knowing it didnt know what death was and didn't have to experience the pain. All my life I just never wanted to feel pain. That's why I've done a lot of stuff. It's the numb feeling that lasts a little while. Just wanted the world around me to stop turning." Harry finished and bites down on his lip ring.
"Guess that's why I got the tattoo." he stares off into the wind.
I have a feeling Harry and I are just prodigies of monsters afraid of our own reflection. Scared to one day look in the mirror and see everything we tried so hard not to become.
Breathing I just take in the boy in front of me. Looking in his eyes I could see the helpless little boy who wanted to not feel pain and it rips a giant hole in my heart. I have felt that way so many times in my life but knowing that someone else had gone through it as well makes me sick.
"If it makes you feel better Violet I never told anyone that story either." Muttering as he glides his hands over top of his hair painfully. Harry seems so firm and unbreakable on the outside but I know he's made of glass on the inside.
"Harry." I softey speak out getting his attention.
"I promise to never tell anyone either. You can trust me."
I guess Harry and I were both out of our comfort zones today.
Crawling over the tiny space in between us, Harry questionably looks at me before I wrap my arms around him. I hold onto his neck for dear life. Harry grabs on to my waist and pulls me towards him, following my lead. Straddling his lap I rest my face on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry you wanted to fly away." I whisper in the wind.
Squeezing me tighter Harry 's response is muffled as the vibrations of sound hit my shoulder, "I'm sorry you wanted to be a part of the sky."
Sitting there intertwined on the grass we hold each other as if at any moment we'd disappear and fall back into our messed up lives. Just for a moment everything seemed to be okay.
I know these details are only an sliver of our story and were hiding behind so much but I have never felt so safe.
We're so close together but Harry pushes my hips even closer. Were both so close but yet so far away. When all the air between us is taken away and our bodys mesh I hug him tighter.
I'm hiding in the darkness with him and I never want to let go.