I woke up once again paralyzed in fear. My body frozen, unable to move. My eyes flicker back and forth through my room looking for her. I shut my eyes trying to remember how to breathe but nothing works. My chest becomes heavy with each failed breath of air.
My lungs scream for help but I am stuck in my head and can't find my way to the surface.
I try to breathe but nothing happens.
All my instincts are lost and I can only focus on the woman who I believe is standing at my door.
My brain forces my eyes open to stay on red alert. My chest heaves as I analyze my bedroom going through the checklist still embedded in my brain.
The door is still locked and my closet remains closed, I reassure myself but my body remains frozen. My eyes keep searching the room for any presence but all I can see is the shadow of darkness.
My mind is thinking of a million reasons what that shadow can be hiding. Who that shadow can be.
The darkness has taken so much from me and no matter how much I want to return to that bittersweet feeling I once had, I'm pleading for the light.
My chest is ripping out fast breathes of panic calling out for anything.
As I lay paralyzed on my bed gripping the sheets so tightly, my nails dig into my palms leaving a mark.
Waiting an eternity for the silent light of the morning, the sun appears, peeking through my bedroom windows. My eyes shift towards the light crawling up my hardwood floors, slowly taking away the segments of darkness.
I look back down at the end of my bed making sure she's not standing there watching me.
I shut my eyes and await for the screams. My body's so cramped up in panic it hurts to do anything.
However with my eyes shut I can't escape the darkness. the sound of my name of her tounge ring in my head and my body jerks.
The power of my movement shift my body in a jump on my bed so Im sitting upright against the wall.
I stare into the emptiness of my room looking down at the door making sure the knob never once turns. The low light lets in just enough for my mind to reassure it was only a dream but my mind doesn't stop and my hands shake aggressively.
No one is here. The relief in my body feels so unknown but I know it won't be long.
It was just the dream playing on repeat for yet another sleepless night. My body shakes and my eyes blink at a rapid pace trying to pull myself together.
This never gets easier, only harder. I fight the sob wanting to rip through me as the tears pour down my face wetting my sheets.
I shiver once more but as soon as my body stiffens, the sounds of screaming, pierce an echo through my head. What was once quiet is now painfully loud.
Loud plummeting screams of terror and betrayal.
My breathing becomes faster with every scream to the point I'm unable to get any air in my lungs once more. I try to remember how but I physically do not know.
I want to run away but my body refuses any movement. I'm trapped in my own head and there's no where to hide.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I pass out but I'm choking and can't find the air to survive. I want to cry until I'm drowning in tears but my soul is run dry.
I just want something to happen. Anything.
My head is pounding and my ears ring with deafening screams. I want to hit my head against the wall until the part that feels is gone. Until I bleed out on my bedroom floor, disappearing into the darkness. I want to fade away and never return.
As I lay there in panic, my leg jumps in reflex with another scream landing off the bed and onto the floor.
A sob breaks through my chest as I try to find any of the air the world has left. im so scared.
I shuffle back in hopes to fall off the ends of the earth but my body hits a cold dark wall, which echoes a boom through the room.
I shut my eyes and refuse to open them as I try to push back even more. Hoping there's more possible space to get me away from here.
Another scream sends a shock through my body and I cry out in pain. The screams are so loud. I try to drown them out by hitting my head against the wall.
Banging my head, the screams only get louder each time my head cracks.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up." I mumble but want to scream.
Angering the devil never works.
My hands clamp over my ears aching for a moment of quiet. "Please" I cry out to any presence or angel.
I can run away from my problems in the present but my mind is a dangerous place.
Sitting on the floor as my head ring with screams I can't help but linger on the dream
I'm back in my old bedroom shivering in fear under the covers, listening to the room across from mine. Her mumbling screams ripple through the walls as she calls me to come save her. This happens every night, it is not anything new. My hands are pressed over my ears as I cry into my teddy bear aching for quiet. She screams and screams until she can find the air to yell my name a second time. When she says my name I am beyond frightened and it sounds chivalrous off her tongue .
I live and breath agony. The uneasy feeling courses through my veins and never relieves pressure.
It's all a dream but I can feel it. I swear I'm back there.
I don't want to get up but I know I have too. I don't want her to get mad, for once I want her to be proud of me. I lift the sheets off my body and cold goosebumps crawl over my skin. I never wanted to leave my bed. I never had.
As I leave the warmth I place my teddy bear on my pillow, kissing him on top of the head before I leave. "I'll be right back. They promised me this time".
My feet drag as I go to stand in front of the blue door.
the screams now turn into a dark deep voice as tapping echoes through the room.
Why must I always be the one to save them. When will someone ever save me. I grip the black knob to turn as a familiar creek plays in my head like a song.
I throw my hands into fits punching the wooden floors. "I can't remember this"
"No, no, no." My punches are weak but I want to break through the floor and fall through.
My forehead presses on the ground as my knuckles snap.
The nightmares never stop and it never gets easier once I'm through that blue door.
"Please. Someone please save me."
I search the room for anything that will bring me back to my fake reality. My tears cloud my vision but I notice a familiar object that fell off my bed.
I immediately shuffle up onto my hands and knees. I crawl slowly ignoring the numb throbbing in my hands and chest. My body is in need of air and I'm trying so hard to fight.
I make it across the room and sit against my bed gripping the sheets so tight my knuckles are visibly white through the blood. I look up at my popcorn ceiling and count all of the specks. I would give anything to look up to the sky right now but it's my closest thing to the stars.
Im lost in all my senses where breathing is a foreign language. As I try to let in breaths I remember what brought me to this place and I look down in front of me.
The object lays in front of me now. My chest still moving at a rapid pace but the sight calms my mind just a little.
My teddy bear lays on its side facing me.
My knuckles loosen as I fall over reaching out in front of me for the object as fast as possible.
I hug the bear so tight to my chest afraid it's going to disappear into thin air. As soon as it makes contact with my skin I let in a long hard breath. I throw my head back as my lungs fill. My voice shakes as I try to put myself together.
After a couple minutes, my breathing comes back to normal. My chest feels weighted and broken but I'm too tired to even care. I reach my hands out in front of me falling on my side, too mentally exhausted to stand up.
My body lays pressed against the cold wooden floor of my apartment as I stare straight ahead at the locked door in front of me.
My old brown beaten door with a black knob. My very own new door that I can't run away from.
"Why me?" I whisper with what feels like my last tired breath.
A tear slowly trickles down my face as I stare at my door. The tear creates a path of its own, sliding down my nose and falling on to the floor.
I feel nothing as I lay here but defeat.
I have never felt safe and do not think I ever will.
"What have I done to deserve this?"
I close my eyes feeling more tears slide down my face as I clutch onto my bear.