Exiting the elevator and entering the apartment just the two of us I feel so hot in the clothing I'm in so he follows me up the stairs like he always does.
Prancing to my suitcase I pull out a pair of leggings and a tank top but as they came out the book of Harrys I brought falls down with a bang. I pick it up quickly and inspect it over making sure it's still in good shape.
"What is that?" Harry says across the room like he doesn't believe what he's seeing. "Oh, it's one of your books I was reading. I wasn't done so I brought it with me, it's really good."
"Violet, what the fuck?" He booms and my shoulders tighten. "Harry what are you talking about?"
He shakes his head and walks over to me, ripping the book out of my hands. I trip over my two feet.
"Where did you find this." He practically yells and I take a step back from his behaviour.
"In your bookshelf. The shelf you told me to look through."
"No this wasn't on my bookshelf it was under my bed." He steps forward and I walk backwards until my back hits a wall. He looks completely mad and my blood boils in fear.
"Harry it was on your shelf," I whisper but he traps me to the wall with his arms. A growl passes his lips and he slams his palms down against the wall just missing my head and I jump.
"No. no this was under my bed. I leave you alone for a couple of hours and you snoop?" He yells and my body runs cold. I'm not sure what to do. My body never knows what to do in this situation.
"Harry calm down." Is all I cry out and he laughs viciously. "Calm down? You know Violet I really thought we had something but apparently, you're just like all the others. You just want to be the one to fix Harry Styles." My head presses against the wall and his heavy breaths hit my face.
"You're always in my business wanting to know everything." He backs away and presses his hands to his hair. I stand here watching everything unable to act. I wipe the tears flowing down my face not letting him have this reaction over me.
"Harry it's a damn book."
"It's not just a fucking book, this is personal to me," he yells and starts pacing. "Just can't ever mind your business can you Violet." He huffs a laugh.
"Maybe all those damn rumours were true about you." my body sinks and my heart falls. I'm mad and my body paces over to him as tears seep out of my eyes.
"No." I push his chest and he looks down hardly at me. "You don't get to say that to me. You don't get to call me clingy or always in your business when damn right I have done none of those things." I push him back again, "I have never pressured you into telling me something you didn't want in fact we made a fucking promise to never asks questions. You don't get the right to yell at me for reading a book that was on your shelf."
I yell back but he pushes me forward hard so my back hits the wall.
"What did you just say to me. You don't get to say any of that shit to me Violet you don't know a damn thing what it's like to be in my shoes." He screams and pulls away. He didn't just say that to me. I know more of what it's like than he thinks. Red flashes on his face and he grips his hands into a first.
My heart drops and I back away not pissing him off anymore. Tears roll down my face and wet my cheeks as a sudden bang of shattered glass falls to the ground. I shut my eyes jumping and when I blink his hand is all bloody.
"Oh my god," I whisper and Harry looks back to me with a different type of look to himself. It's evil. He stomps over to me and I inhale sharply pressing my hands in front to shield me. "Stop please stop."
I sob at my breaking point, this was all too real. "Harry stop it," I scream at the top of my lungs.
My hands fall to my side not bothering to wipe the dried mascara under my lids and I shut my eyes pressing my body so tight into the wall that I just want to pass through.
"Don't hurt me." I shake my head as my body shakes and cry.
A scared breath rings in front of me and I cant stop the crying through my lips.
"Baby? Baby im- im sorry." I look up and see the brokenness of Harry's eyes and a tear rolls down his cheek.
"I- did I hurt you?" he says like he didn't just witness anything that just happened.
I don't speak. I keep my hand clutched to my chest as silent tears pour out. "Baby." he steps forward but I flinch and he stops painfully.
"That wasn't me, I'm sorry. I- Violet that wasn't me." He reiterates but I'm frozen staring up at him.
"You were going to hit me?" I whisper and he shakes his head. "No, I wasn't. Even in that state, I would never come close to hitting you. I was just so mad. When I look at that book I just get like that I'm sorry I-"
I push off the wall and walk past him out of the room holding in a deafening sob. I've heard those words before. Everything I've ever held down is erupting out of me with just those words.
I need a minute alone with my thoughts. I'm not scared of Harry but my brain is at this moment.
"Violet." my name calls from behind but I run through the house and race down the stairs.
"Please." The calls get louder and once I'm at the door he pulls on my wrists so I'm facing him. I try and push away but it doesn't work.
"Harry let me go." the sob finally makes its way out of my chest and Harry lets go ashamed of himself. "What can I do. Don't leave. Please don't leave." His face is frozen terrified of my actions.
"I just need space and you need to wrap your head around what just happened because it wasn't okay." I cry and Harry shuts his green eyes in panic.
"I didn't mean to."
"I'm going over to Nialls and I need you to not chase after me because what happened right now is making me think you're a little too much like someone I used to know. If I look at you one more time I might have a panic attack." I manage to say through my sobs and take a large breath as I start to hyperventilate.
"Let me help you." He panics from my breathing.
"Then get away." I cry and he looks like someone just stabbed him in the back which breaks me even more.
"I just need space to think, I'm a little freaked out right now. I'm not scared of you but I just need to go on a walk." Harry takes a step away from me and nods his head.
"You're coming back right?" his tone is full of worry and his own cry takes over his voice.
"Y-yes. I like you, Harry. A lot but this can't happen again. You can't talk to me like that. You- you-" I can't even get the words out from how much they hurt.
"You were going to hit me" I bring my hand to my mouth and turn around running to the elevator. Once inside I slide to the floor and cry but only when I look up as the doors are about to shut Harry stands there with tears in his eyes.
"Please come back." His tone is barely above a whisper and my heart breaks even more.
What hurts is that I don't want to be apart from him at this moment.
He's the one person I feel the safest with but sometimes the truth those people know can be turned around to hurt you instead.
I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish an argument wouldn't send me into a panic. I feel trapped in myself and I'm trying to claw my way out. The only problem is that there's nowhere to go.
I can't breathe from my cries and lung capacity as I run down the streets to Nialls. I don't stop for any red light, I just go. I can't stop or I'll think and that's the last thing I want to do. I make it up the elevator and I sprint to his door.
"Niall," I say quietly as I knock three times. "Niall are you there." my voice is above a whisper as I try to contain myself.
The door suddenly flies open to his smiling face but it drops when he sees my state. "What happened?"
"I don't know." Is all I can say and he grabs my shoulders pulling me in for a hug. I grip onto his waist and cry.
"Sugar what happened is Harry alright?" he grows panicked himself but I just nod. "He's okay."
"What did he do?" He peels his arms off my shoulders so he can face me.
"He just flipped out and it triggered something from my past. I just had to get out and I feel so bad." I whimper and wipe my eyes.
"Flipped out how?" His eyes grows wide in anger. "I brought one of his books with me and he found it and just went mad. He called me things and punched a mirror. He was mental and then he just stopped. Then a switch flicked on his body and he was the normal person I know."
Niall doesn't respond but anger and realization pour from his eyes. he takes a step back shaking his head. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the small couch in the middle of the room.
I take a seat next to him and he passes me a tissue. "Don't cry it hides those pretty brown eyes."
I take the tissue with a smile and sniff back the tears that fell. "Harry has a bad past Violet, specifically one event in his life. When someone brings it up the trauma in his brain flicks a switch and he just turns mad. It's the way his body deals with it. I know for a fact that whatever happened is eating him away right now, that boy would never hurt you. Hell, he killed someone a while ago for touching you."
I listen to everything Niall tells me trying to grasp on this side of Harry I don't know. The side of hurt that his body protects him from. "What do you mean kill someone that touched me?"
"Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that." He scratches his head awkwardly but I press. "No, who was it?"
"It was after he came home from some party. He was seeing red and was muttering that someone touched you." I widen my eyes and the hairs on my arms stand up in recognition.
"He killed him?" I inhale and Niall nods. "Oh my god" Im not upset or sad I'm just shocked. To be honest it's a mix of so many feelings that I can't pinpoint. I can't say he didn't deserve it but this is death we're talking about.
"Violet he deserved it." Niall scans over my features in case I panic. "Well I know he did but it's different when you sleep beside that person at night." my body freezes and I shut my eyes needing to process this information. Would he kill anyone that got close to me? How far will he go to the point of pure crazy?
"Violet he's in the mafia. You excuse that behaviour but not this? I think what he did was actually pretty nice."
"Nice?" My voice booms crazily and I shoot to my feet pacing throughout the room. "I know you're right and I'm not mad at him but my body is just kind of heightened right now."
My breathing spikes and I let out a laugh crashing my hands into my hair. "Pretty sure I'm about to have a panic attack." I continue to laugh and Niall stands walking over to me.
"What do you want me to do?" He says cautiously and I continue to pace. "Just get my mind off of this"
"Alright well uh." He mumbles and my hands start to shake.
"What's your favourite colour?" he claps his hands together excitedly.
"Your favourite song?"
"I um, I like Brittany spears sometimes. And arctic monkeys." I stutter and play with the ring on my finger as he smiles. "Aw, I love Brittany too. Favourite dessert?" He keeps a distance from me and I silently thank him, starting to calm down.
"Cookies." Is the only thing that blasts into my mind. "Hey I got cookies in my pantry, do you want one?"
"Later." I remove my hands out of my hair just focusing on my breathing.
"Something you hate?"
"Doors." I let out a shrieking laugh and Niall just hums awkwardly. "What's one thing in my house you like?"
I turn around slowly so I don't get dizzy and my eyes spot a bright pink statue of a large flamingo and my jaw drops including my heart rate. "That." I point and laugh like myself again able to breathe.
I turn to Niall letting in an exhausted inhale. "Thanks." I coo and he claps his hands loudly and I jump a little.
"How about that cookie?" He walks over to me and pulls on my arm to the kitchen presenting a jar of chocolate chip cookies in front of me.
Pulling out two I smile but it turns sad remembering I left Harry at the apartment. Cookies remind me of him.
I don't loath in remorse and I take a bite out of the soft treat. "Cookies really do make everything better."
A knock bangs on the door and my body becomes paralyzed. That can't be Harry, I told him to give me space. I can't look at him right now. I can't- The door shoots open and Louis, Liam and Zayn flood in.
"Hey, Violet you alright?" Zayn walks over to me and I tilt my head up on the chair I'm seated to match his stare.
"What did he do?" He stops violently.
"He blacked out. Just give them a day." Niall says opening a cupboard. Blacked out? That's why he didn't know what happened.
"Want me to beat em up for you?" Zayn takes a seat beside me with a smile and my very own tugs on my lips. "I'll postpone the offer."
"Alright!" Niall chimes closing the door and I look at the monopoly box in his hand.
"Im not play monopoly again lad you fucking cheat." Louis raises his hand and Niall pulls his lips to a line. "I'm a banker. Sometimes the money breezes into my pile by accident. And shut up were making Sugar feel better."
We all flood to the couches as Niall sets up. "Can I be the hat?" I say and Niall places it on "Go" for me. That stupid hat looks like the one I found on the road yesterday.
We pull the four couches together so it resembles a square and the only way out is to climb over. The table sits in the middle and I cross my legs on the cushion. Zayn and Niall lay down next to me.
After about a hundred rounds and hours later with blaring music in the background, I have my properties on brown, Louis light blue, Zayn yellow, Liam green and Niall dark blue.
"I find it annoying you have the highest properties?" I state to the blonde boy next to me who holds his hands up.
"Strategy my ass, who gave you banker privileges." I scope out his money trying to find evidence.
"You see I told you, he slips it in his pockets and catches us when we're not looking." Louis seethes and bends forward for the bank box but Niall steals it away.
"Don't touch my box." He says like someone is taking his candy away.
"Why are you afraid I thought you won this game fair and square?" Niall looks beyond pissed and he hands the cash to Louis which he rips out of his hold.
"You hurt my feelings?" He pouts to me and I press my hand to his cheek pushing him away. "Get a grip."
"Okay, my turn." I take the dice in my hand and study my chances. "Sugar roll a four or five and I max you out or roll a two on the railroad and Louis's got you maxed out."
"I don't appreciate the already known pressure you're putting on me." Niall backs off with a laugh and edges his hand so I roll.
I shake the dice in my hand and press my palm to my eyes. "I better win cause I wanna see my properties max you out."
"Lad you're on brown that's the weakest property." Louis laughs.
"Say that to my maxed-out buildings asshole." I roll the dice on the board and it jumbles on its side before stopping. I make a visible whole through my hands to peak.
"Six!" I throw my hands in the air and tackle Niall to his side on the couch in celebration. "Pass go and collect 200 dollars!" I cheer and Niall rolls me off of him. "Lucky roll is all."
"Yeah well let's see you. Roll a three and you're done."
He makes a psst sound and rolls his eyes. "Watch how the pro does it." he shakes the dice and it lands on the board. Liam looks down at it with a chuckle. "3"
I shoot my body up jumping. I look at Niall with the biggest celebratory look on my face while his is dropped. I reach down to his money and collect my fee. "I'll take this and this, and this thank you very much." I wipe his side completely free of money and stack my bills.
Louis and Liam give me a loud half five and Zayn shakes my shoulders as I shower myself in the bills.
"You know Niall if you want to be partners just tell me."
The boys sit in the kitchen getting ready to go to a club and I helped Niall clean up the board loathing in my victory. rubbing it in every time I got the chance. "I can't believe I beat the undefeated poker player at monopoly."
"Shut up I let you when." He places the box in the cabinet and I stand behind him. "What you told the dice to roll a 3?"
"Okay mister big time as long as you know deep down." Once the game is put away they all stand up and flood to the door. They all pat me on the back as they go, sparing good games and first bumps.
Liam even said that he likes me as a person and from our absent friendship I take that as a big success. I was quick to wrap my arms around him and he laughed rocking us side to side.
Zayn and Niall are the last ones out and he places a hand on my shoulder squeezing. "You sure you're alright?"
I haven't really thought about Harry during this time and I start to feel bad. It's been hours and he's just been alone. "Yeah, I'm fine." He smiles and walks out the door leaving Niall and I.
"I have a spare room up the stairs, first door on the left. Just sleep it off." I nod silently hiding my insecurities as he leaves me in this big house and closes the door.
"If you need it there's a gun in the guest bedroom drawer and I'd lock the door if I were you I have a key." He shuts the door before I can react and I just stare freaked out by his words. I rush to the door and lock the three locks stepping away.
Now I'm scared and this house is really big. I leave all the lights on and make my way upstairs humming to myself so I'll have some type of noise to focus on. I don't snoop or explore knowing this isn't my house so I find the guest room.
Black walls and a double white bed sit in the middle. I close the door and jump on the bed staring up to the popcorn ceiling. Not sure what else to do I count the specks until my eyes start to hurt and they water from staring for too long.
"Enough of that." Scared to go back downstairs to look at the stars I stay in this room like the baby I am. It's 2 am and I crawl under the covers placing the soft sheets to my cheek.
I try to stop thinking about Harry but he's all I can imagine and it tears me to not know what he's doing right now.
I wonder why that book rips him to pieces so much. What the whole in his heart resembles. We all have our fears we keep deep down that come spiralling in the moments we need it to disappear the most.
My fear comes crawling back through loud noises, the dark and doors. his comes back through a book. A book which the first page has the inscription of the name Aspen. Neither of us chose to be like this but that's the awful way trauma works, eating you alive from the inside out.
Everything he said about me and those rumours couldn't be him. He would never say or do that. Our whole relationship is him telling me they can go to hell. He knows so much about me and that side of him was something I haven't seen before. It wasn't him.
The sound of the glass shattering brings me back and my heart presses so tight I feel like it's about to explode. My hands press into my palms digging into my skin but it's the only thing that takes my mind away. It focuses on that pain instead.
The wailing screams explode in my head in memory and the sounds... The overdosing sound of relief through a bloodstream and the painful sobs hiding in the dark echo through my mind. I'm Frightened to go move, afraid to get caught.
My hands draw blood and when I feel the wetness I pull away with a cry. Scraps cover my hands and red covers my palms. I'm about to cry when the sound of my door opens and I freeze. An intense fear takes over my body and I'm about to scream when I see my brunette boy.
Harry walks in and I press my hand against my chest.
"Harry you fucking scared me." He doesn't respond and just looks down at me with so much sadness. It tears me apart from how distraught he looks. He doesn't know what to say and we just look at each other.
He creeps to the side of the bed and I take the sheets off my body to hang my legs over. He drops to his knees immediately and wraps his arms around my waist crying.
The piercing sound shoots through my eardrums and I shut my eyes from how vulnerable he is at this moment. I know he hates being vulnerable because then his past can seep through and take over.
"Im sorry baby." He muffles into my waist and pulls me so physically tight that I'm unable to move. "Please don't leave me."
I press my hands to his hair and drag my fingertips through knowing my palms are bloody. "That wasn't me. It happens when I'm reminded of her. I'm sorry that I scared you, it kills me. It fucking kills me that I blacked out in-front of you."
Reminded him of her?
"Please, I'm sorry." I feel his thick tears hit my side. The type of tears you're trying to shove away but they keep falling. Those tears hurt the most.
"It won't happen again. I won't let it happen again. I was so scared you were going to see that side of me and you did. I'm so sorry." He sobs.
"Harry I'm not going anywhere." I manage out and he squeezes me tighter.
"That wasn't me." Is all he rasps out.
"I know it wasn't you, I know."
His body starts to shake in a cry and I roll my body forward hugging him. "Harry?"
"Yeah." He breaks and I shut my eyes afraid of what the answer to my question is going to be.
"Who is Aspen?"
The room goes quiet and we both hold our breath. I can feel the panicked wheels turning in his head and the destruction he's prying himself away from.
"She's was my sister." He finally breaks and the forced sound of a hard cry passes his lips. Was?
"It was my fault." He says multiple times clutching my hips tighter. he's too vulnerable for me to be asking questions so I just lay here with him.
"Baby c'mere." I pull on his arms and he pulls his head up so our eyes meet. His green eyes coat glossy with tears.
"Baby?" He asks and I nod assuring him nothings going to change. A relief floods through his body but he's still exhausted in sadness.
Forgetting my hands are bloody I go to wipe his tears but his hands lock around my wrists. "What is this?" Despite the tears in his eyes, he switches to protectiveness over me so fast.
He brings his black shirt to my hands and wipes them clean as I sit here watching him. His face turns hard in concentration.
When the blood wipes away leaving my palms cut I try to pull away but he refuses to let go. "Harry just stop, please." My weak voice begs.
"Violet, what is this?" I shake my head and wrap my hands around his arm pulling him to sit on the bed with me.
"I didn't mean to, it just happens sometimes."
Without another word he lets my touch guide him to the bed and once his legs touch the bed he falls weakly into my waist and hugs me once more. He brings his hand to my legs and pulls them so we intertwine. I hug his neck.
"It was my fault, Violet." He shakes his head breaking down once more.
"What was your fault?" I whisper afraid of the answer.
"She killed herself and I could've stopped it." thick tears fall from my eyes and I hold my breath not needing to cry. This isn't my trauma. I can hurt for him but I can't cry for him.
I just hug him closer in his darkness. That's all I'm supposed to do. Shifting my weight on the bed I roll us over so I'm on top and he breathes shakingly in my neck.
"It was not your fault," I state. "You're sister killing herself is not your fault."
A sob breaks in his chest and he rolls us over so we're seated sideways. He brings his hand to my cheek and I let him do whatever he needs right now.
"I could have stopped our parents from being so mean but I didn't care. Since she was a girl she got the worst of it. They thought she was so weak. I was her only friend but then I got sent away. I came back so angry and she tried to be nice. She was always alone. I let her be alone."
"That was not you. You didn't do those things to her, that was your cruel parents. You had a right to be mad and close yourself off and she understood that okay?" he shakes his head in my neck and I pull away grabbing his two cheeks this time. He usually comforts me but this is my time to help him.
"You tell me right now that you didn't do anything." I wipe my thumbs across his face clearing the fresh tears that fall. His eyelashes coat and he seems blind to his senses. He shakes his head in my touch but I stop the movements.
"Tell me right now Harry."
"It-It wasn't ... my fault," he says stutteringly and an inhale coats his lips. Once the words pass his mouth I press his head to my chest and I wrap my hands around him.
"So you're not leaving me?" his breaths hit my chest and I hold him just a little bit tighter. I see the wall of terror he has built up but I'm not going to be the one to break it. I'm not fixing him. I'm just going to hold his hand while he does it himself.
I'm not perfect either and I know that. I've lived so scared my whole life but he shields me from the past and shows me how to live.
We're good for each other. We teach each other new things every day and I feel like a stronger person from it. I told him once I wasn't going anywhere and I meant that. I hope he knows I'm equally terrified that he'll leave me and never come back.
It hurts how much I like this boy. That word isn't enough.