TW- mentions of suicide
At lunch, I meet up with Abby at our usual table outside. It was a small wooden picnic table that was drawn over with paint and pens. The picnic tables that align the school across the outside have the same things on them.
names, hearts, dicks, phone numbers... Pretty much anything that could go through a high schooler's mind was drawn on these tables.
It was a show of color and was honestly really pretty.
I spot Abby sitting at our regular table. Her heads in a physics textbook looking stressed out of her mind. "Mental breakdown season?" I cautiously ask while taking a seat.
Abby looks up and frowns. "I mentally can't do physics anymore. I have no idea what's going on. When the teacher speaks I hear latin. It's a bunch of bullshit."
"That's why I don't associate myself with science. I stay very much clear from that pathway." I open my backpack pulling out my lunch. A leftover salad from the restaurant I work at appears.
My boss always makes sure I bring the leftover food home. He knows a little bit about my situation but doesn't question me over it. Philip simply just watches and makes sure I'm alright.
"Here Vi, my mom made you a sandwich." Abby's mom always packs me an extra lunch. In fact she used to write me notes along with them.
They're actually all saved in a basket at the back of my closet.
"Abby I love Diana but tell her to stop worrying about me."
"Abby I've tried but she physically can't help it. You're another daughter to her and she hates how much you've been pushing yourself. It's not healthy"
Yes I have been pushing myself a lot lately. But I can't help it. I need the distraction and money. If I don't work then I will be locked inside my apartment overthinking. And that's the last thing I want to do.
"Can we not talk about this. You know why I work so much."
Nodding, she continues reading her textbook. "To be honest I think school was only created to give young students mental breakdowns and unnecessary anxiety." Abby mutters, throwing her head into her hands.
I reach over to take the textbook away from her, "I think you need to eat something."
I say as I close the textbook. Abby gives me a lethal stare like I have just taken a bag of chips away from a toddler.
"Easy Abby." I laugh and she rolls her eyes, staring dead at me.
"Hey Stop staring through my soul."
Instead Abby huffs and pulls out her Biology binder. You win some you lose some I guess.
Unwrapping the sandwich in front of me, my stomach growls in response. I have not eaten since yesterday's lunch so it makes sense.
Just been so busy.
After Inhaling what felt like my last meal on this earth, Abby's voice grabs my attention.
"Hey Violet, what day is it today?" still writing in her notebook.
"Let me check." I grab my phone out of my pocket, flipping it over and clicking the power button.
"Lets see, today's November... 12th." my heart drops into my stomach and I almost drop the phone onto the table. I completely forgot tomorrow was the twelfth.
As I read the date once more in hopes my eyes deceived me, it still reads the same date.
My heart sinks and I fight back the anxiety crawling up my body.
"I didn't know today was the twelfth." I flip my phone over and look straight ahead, lost in thought.
Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. It rakes an ill feeling in my stomach. I hate this.
Abby drops her pen to give me her full attention. I can see the worry in her eyes more than mine. "Violet you're going to be okay tomorrow. You're not who you used to be, you're in a better place now."
I still look off in the other direction not bothering to meet her stare. Tomorrows just another reminder of my fucked up life and thoughts. A reminder of everything I wanted to do that day along with its reasons.
A shiver runs through my body and I push my life down.
"It's okay Abby I'll be fine, I'm past that." It comes out a pathetic whisper.
"I just wanna be alone tomorrow okay. I might be a little m.i.a"
Abby grabs my wrists on the table cautiously avoiding my hands. She squeezes them so I look at her.
"You call me anytime tomorrow. Day or night. I still think you should just hang out with me but I respect your decision." she squeezes a little tighter in reassurance
"Violet I'm here for you. Please remember that. If you need a distraction, will go rob a bank or something, I'm serious."
I laugh which breaks the anxiety, briefly in my chest.
"I promise. but I just need to be alone. I've been through a lot and reflection might be good."
"But too much reflection is unhealthy. You've been through a lot and don't need to be reminded of that time. Just be careful ok, our minds are a dangerous place."
that comment almost makes me break out into a breathless laugh.
I understand everything she just told me. In fact I understood a little too well. If I could I would not ever think back on my life, but it feels like punishment. I deserve none of the goodness Philip, Abby, Tim and Diana have shown me. It's all my fault I'm like this and they do not need my presence ruining them.
Taking a breath I pull my head down so I'm resting on the table. Collecting myself, Abby lectures me about human growth and cells.
Lifting my head up from the table I feel a pair of eyes on the back of my head. Not the usual feeling I get when this school stares at me. It's something else. Or more like someone else.
Looking behind me I'm met with a green set of eyes locked on mine. His stare doesn't bother to move when I turn around. He eyes me delicately, with not one sense of harshness in them.
I'm not sure how to feel but I feel no ounce of intimidation.
Taking this moment to really get a look of him I let my eyes wander to notice how good looking he really is.
But that's besides the point.
His brown hair is slightly overgrown and becomes messier each growing second in the wind. A bigger nose and full lips meet under his emerald green eyes.
He wears a black t-shirt and jeans, matched with a pair of black vans. Arms slightly muscular and each covered in tattoos. The placement of his tattoos are almost like artwork. They are perfectly spaced out and give his look a personality.
They suit him.
After I finish studying him, I'm met with his stare once more. His look remains the same but I see a light smirk form on his lips for just a second.
I turn sharply around forgetting Abby was sitting with me. To my luck her head was still in that damn biology textbook still reading out definitions.
Looking at the time on my phone we have five minutes before lunch ends. "Abby five minutes." She hums a sad sound and starts to pack up.
"Im going to fail this bio test."
"You'll be fine." I sarcastically reassure her.
Starting to pack my own books up, a tiny gust of wind made from a body brushes past me. A light vanilla cologne fills my senses.
The boy I was looking at just moments ago walks by and heads for the cafeteria door.
When he goes to slip through the automatic doors in front of him, he turns around walking backwards slowly, meeting with my eyes once more.