Waking up today I felt different. I knew today was going to be hard but I woke up not feeling anything. I wish I woke up angry so I could do something impulsive. Just a moment to forget everything. An adrenaline rush to keep me going but I was just numb.
I was so goddam tired. Surprise, surprise. Today was just another day I have to get through.
It is currently eleven a.m and I’m staring at my wall. Abby did not knock on my door to get me up for school this morning. She’s giving me space. The only day of the year she let me skip school.
Today should not have to be marked with trauma. It should just be another day I get to live. I’m a survivor as Abby says but I wish I felt that way. im far from that.
Looking down at my wrists I brush over the faint scars left behind. I would spend all the money in the world for these scars to be gone. This scar is just another reminder of everything I escaped from. Another reminder of how much I hate myself.
The worst part is that its in the shape of dent in my childhood wall. the exact marking in the door.
When I tell you I cant run away from my past I really mean it.
My phone lights up in front of me on the bed which gets my attention. who would be texting me?
Sitting up from my grey sheets, I place my bear beside me so I dont crush it. Reaching over, grabbing my phone I look down at a message from Abby. one of her self reflective universal messages.
She still send me affirmations and horoscopes. She’s very one with the earth as I like to call it.
I know you told me to leave you alone but I’m sitting here alone at our lunch table and can’t focus on anything but you. Today is just a day Violet. I know you blame yourself for ruining things but nothing in your life was your fault.
I know that last year you wanted everything to be quiet and shut off everything going on in your brain. Your thoughts grew too much for you to handle. I know you don’t tell me a lot of things because you’re afraid I’ll run but I swear to you I would never. I would give anything to take away your pain for you to live a normal life.
And Violet, Instead of blaming the universe for keeping you alive, question why it is keeping you here. It’s not to punish you violet. The universe is giving you another chance.
I love you more than imaginable and I wish you could see that.
It hurt so much seeing you unconscious that day and I know you blame yourself for what I saw but please don’t. It terrified me, yes. But the first thought that ran through my mind is that you better not be dead. If you died I don’t know what I would have done without you. You leaving, would not be doing anyone a favour it would be tragic. You think you are replaceable but in fact are one of a kind. Now go outside and get some air. Being cooped up in that apartment is going to make your brain explode.
I turn my phone off and stare at the wall in front of me, not knowing how to feel. I don’t deserve Abby. She’s done so much for me. I want to believe everything she just typed but I just can’t.
the universe is keeping me here as punishment Abby dont you understand. ive done awful things and its the fact I hate myself that the world can hurt me in return.
I can’t even admit the truth to myself. Ive pushed it away for so long, theres a time in my life where I dont remember a single thing. My brain jumps timelines from seven to nine.
I try to form a text to write back but there’s so many thoughts running through my head right now. If Abby knew the whole story she would run.
Don’t text back.
I suppose she saw my typing dots. I take a deep breath and wish I could write back something. I wish I knew what feelings really felt like. It hurts so much to not give anything back in return.
Now go outside and get some air.
That seems like a really good idea right now. Hopefully some air will ease my thoughts.
Tossing the warmth of my sheet off, I stand and head out the door. Taking the elevator down I notice a slight shake in my hands. Holding them close to my body I inhale and exhale slowly.
I can’t break now, I wont break. Keep it together.
Standing in the elevator my body starts to unravel and comes back to the present. The numbness melts away leaving the stain of truth unwashed.
As soon as the beeping of the elevator signals, I rush out as quickly as possible. With each step I take my head pounds with thoughts that beat through my head.
Pulling the main floor door open stepping outside, I breathe in the fall fresh air. blowing my hair in the wind I take a sharp breath. Looking around me everything seems normal. people running errands and the echo of children laughing.
everything is akways more than it seems. theres always one in a herd of hundred.
Clinging to my bruised hands they begin to shake faster and my nails threaten to break the skin.
Starting to walk down the road I pass adults that give me painful worry stares, along with passing children who just stare terrified at a shaking woman in front of them.
Looking at me up and down with their judgemental stares my body stiffens.
Probably assuming I’m a high sociopath... I would prefer that life to be honest. seems exciting at numb. I’d give anything to not feel.
Stopping at the light waiting to cross the street, a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. I have no idea where im going, I just need a distaction. Leaning against the light post mumbles fill my senses from beside me.
“Mommy, mommy is she okay?” A little girl’s voice echoes behind me in worry. A small smile on my lips tugs. Children are so pure and innocent oblivious to the pain that consumes the world. flowers and roses if youre lucky but flies and dead flowers if youre not.
“Just stay close angel.”
Those four words manage to shatter my heart into pieces. They were scared of me. I don’t try to cover up the tears anymore, they just fall. I’m not a monster.
Without waiting for the crosswalk to turn green I run across the street, making a b-line for an alley right in front of me.
Honking floods my ears but I keep going, not caring if I get hit. They would be doing me a favour. Maybe then I really couldn’t be saved.
Once my shoes hit rocks and the sound tumbles, the shadiness of the alley takes over. I pace back and forth gripping my hair tightly in my hands. Frustrated and sad tears pour out not holding back.
My pace quickens as I walk back and forth until I’m slowed down by a trash can in my way. Tripping over and falling on my hands and knees I scream and grip the stones under my hands, throwing them in front of me. A loud scream of frustration and pure pain shoot down the alley.
My body falls limb against a wall opposite to me as I start to slid down, my body giving up.
As I sit there with my back pressed against a building I let everything in and I’m flooded with reminiscing of events. Everything from my dreams to my past to the night I attempted and it all just grows too much.
Clamping my hands over my mouth I try to scream but it’s covered by wailing cries. I can hear screaming in my head start to form and I clamp my hands over my ears.
“Just want quiet.” I cry. The screaming is drowned out by thoughts. One part of my head is telling me one thing and the other side, another. My head going a million miles a second shouting at me as my brain threatens to explode.
All of a sudden my thoughts go quiet and all the voices stop except one. If only you had just died that night, the women spits out.
Shifting my weight forward I stand up needing to take my panic out on anything for some type of relief . My stare falls on to many trash cans aligned side by side and I rush over to the wall in front of me, with fists tightened and I scream with each hit. Noises of steel echo in my ears.
“It wasn’t my fault.” I kick the trash can in front of me. Rage pouring out of my veins.
“They did this to me.” the can goes flying.
“You ruined my life and blamed me for everything.” I pick up another and throw it against the wall. My breathing nothing but constant.
“I did nothing wrong.” Tears start to cloud my senses and my talking becomes muttered a sob present in my chest.
“You made me weak.” I stomp down, crushing it.
“What did I do wrong?” I scream grabbing my chest. I get a hold of another can and tip it over, trash spills out. I kick the can away and kick anything in my vancinity.
Loud bangs and rage pour out of the alley.
Tears blind my site and my feet work its way back until my body roughly hits the wall once more. As I slide down I throw my hands around my body trying to block whatever demon is trying to get to close. “leave me alone.”
My hands rest on my head as I try to slow my breathing before a panic attack fully takes over. My chest is starting to heave and I am about to pull out my hair when all of a sudden I hear a light sniff at the beginning of the alleyway.