The bright yellow sun filtered through the windows, but my thoughts were clouded with gray. My mood boomeranged from sad to depressed since Avery left. It's only been a day, and I missed him so much. At first, I was devastated and uncertain about us. The way he left, I wasn't sure if he was coming back. I didn't know what to do or how to handle my husband being that upset with me. So, I did what I know best, ignore my problems and shut down.
I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I didn't talk, cry, or eat. So, I just sat in the bed, zoning out as the tv watched me. I had no clue what was on. My mind was consumed with how my life would end up if I didn't do something. I had to get over this. I had to fix my marriage.
I decided to get out of the bed and take a warm shower to get my mind off of Avery and how terrible I felt about what I did. I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself no matter what I did. As the warm water hit my skin, I broke down and cried. I couldn't believe that my life fell apart. I cried so hard that I almost couldn't catch my breath. I knew I had calm down. The last time I cried like this in the shower, I lost my baby and I couldn't lose this baby too. I slowly breathed in and out in an attempt to calm down. I thought about Aiden, Madison, my wedding day, and all the happy events in my life. Then I began to relax and felt much better.
I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me. I sat on the bed. I was too tired to move. I heard a knock on the door and told the person to come in. It was my mother-in-law, Sandy. She slowly walked in and stood in front of me.
"Blaire, honey. Avery wants to speak to you," Sandy said gently.
I wasn't in the mood to talk to him or anyone else. She went into my closet and grabbed me a nightgown. She handed it to me. Then I pulled it over my head and pulled it down as far as it could go.
"I'm really tired, San... I'll talk to him later," I said, trying not to cry.
"Okay, honey. Do you want me to bring you something to eat? You haven't eaten all day."
"I'm not hungry... I'm so sorry, but I just want to be left alone," I said as tears ran down my face.
She gently wiped my tears and hugged me. Then she sat beside me.
"Oh honey, don't cry. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It really hurts to see you like this. You are so strong and you'll get through this. Trust me you will... I know because I lost a baby too," she said.
I looked at her and saw the tinge of hurt across her face. I never knew that she dealt with losing a child. I felt that she somewhat understood what I'm going through.
"I'm sorry... What happened? If you don't mind talking about it," I said.
"I don't mind. He was born at 24 weeks and he didn't even live a few minutes. He would have been 37 if I carried him to term. I thought I would never have another baby after that. Actually, I was scared to try again. I was scared to lose another baby. With time, I become open to it again. Then I had Avery and Stephanie. So, don't give up. You still have a baby growing inside of you. I know this is hard but fight for that baby. My grand-baby needs you."
"I know... Thank you for sharing that with me." I sniffled.
"You know you can talk to me about anything and I'll always be open with you. I just want you to know that I understand. I want you to talk to me, you're mom, Avery, or someone about your grief."
"It's just hard. I don't want to burden anyone."
"You are not a burden to us. We all love you, Blaire. Avery loves you no matter what. He's just having a hard time. He feels like he can't protect his family, and we both know that's not true."
"He is a good father and husband. I feel terrible that he feels that way. I don't know what to do. It's like I don't how to interact or talk to him anymore," I admitted.
"You will figure it out. Focus on healing. Well, I'm going to let you get some rest... Oh, Aiden is asleep and Maddie is talking to her dad. I'll tell him that you're tired. I love you, Blaire."
"I love you too, mom," I said with a faint smile.
She kissed my forehead and left the room. I stood up and pulled my gown all the way down. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I went back to my bed not bothering to put on lotion or do any of my nightly routines. I thought about what she said about healing. I didn't even know where to start that process.
My phone lit up and vibrated. I picked up and saw that it was Avery. I just couldn't talk to him right now. I was feeling hurt and guilty at once. I was trying to open up to him, but he was pushing me too hard. When I needed him the most, he just left me. I know he had obligations. If he was adamant about staying home, I know his team and our company would have been understanding. I guess he didn't want to be with me. I couldn't blame him. I hoped that I wasn't making things worse by ignoring him.
He called again and then a few more times. I didn't have it in me to talk to him. I placed my phone in the drawer of my nightstand and cuddled to his pillow. His scent was gone since he hasn't slept in here in weeks, but I still found some comfort from it knowing that it was his. At this rate, I was going to lose everything including my marriage and my family. I wasn't there for my children. I felt like a bad mother. Though my love for them is unconditional and unlimited, I failed to sufficiently show them recently. My kids should always get quality time with me and feel loved no matter what. I had to fix this. I had to talk to someone and get help before it's too late.
I began to cry again. I cried for Maddie, my baby that I lost, my husband, and me. I ended up crying myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up really early. I was so used to getting up at five in the morning that I couldn't sleep in like I should be doing right now. I was starving on top of being tired. Before I could get up, I heard Sky asking to come in.
"Come in," I said.
She opened the door with a tray of food. She smiled and placed it on my lap. She took me in and frowned.
"Didn't sleep well, I see. How are you really doing?" she asked.
"I'm okay. A little tired. I'm actually hungry today," I said, trying to be positive.
She hummed and nodded, but didn't say anything else as she left me to eat alone. I ate my breakfast in silence. Then I check my phone for emails. As I was about to put it down, Avery's name flashed across the screen, and I answered on the first ring.
"Hello," I said softly.
"Baby, I'm so sorry about yesterday.”
"It's okay. I'm the one that should be sorry," I said, feeling guilty.
I wanted us to get back on track. I honestly didn't know how. I couldn't tell him the truth and I knew he wasn't going to be satisfied until I did.
"No, baby. I should have been more patient with you. You are dealing with a lot. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here to support you. It doesn't matter what it is, nothing will affect the love I have for you."
"I know, but I don't want to talk about that. I just want us to get back to where we were. I miss you. I miss us," I said, trying not to cry.
"I miss you too. I'll be home in a few days. I got to go. I love you, baby."
It felt good to hear him say that he still loves me. I was in a much better mood. I smiled at how it felt like us again.
"Okay. I love you too. Bye, Ave.” I grinned.
I put my phone down and got up. I opened my curtains and windows for some sunlight and fresh air. It's crazy how something as simple as air and light can uplift your mood. I sat by the window looking at our beautiful backyard. The lush green was slowly fading away and turning into the beauty that is Autumn.
I looked around my room and saw the baby monitor flashing, which meant Aiden was up. I got up and headed to his nursery next door. He was in his crib babbling. When he saw me, he smiled and cooed. I picked him up and kissed him over and over again. I missed my children so much. I changed his diaper and cleaned him up. I picked him up and took a detour to my room to pick up the phone on the way downstairs. Aiden continued to coo and smile. He's such a happy and good baby.
When I walked into the kitchen, I noticed Sky and Nick chatting at the kitchen table. Sky noticed me first and stood up.
"You need me to take him? Do you need anything, Blaire?" she asked.
"No. I'm fine. Just getting my baby some breakfast," I said, placing Aiden in his highchair.
"I can do that for you. You should be in bed resting," she offered.
“Oh, no.” I shook my head. “I feel fine. I got it.”
I got some oatmeal and bananas out of the pantry. I busily worked on preparing my son's food as Nick played with Aiden. As I was putting his food in a bowl to cool off my phone dinged, letting me know I have a message. I checked it and saw it was from Avery. He wanted to know if I was okay with him performing tonight with Drake.
I was cool with it. I know music helps him channel his emotions. Music means everything to him. I wasn't going to stop him from having a good time on the stage with his friend. So, I told him that it was fine with me, and then I asked when he was coming back. He told me he'd be back this weekend. I wish it was sooner. I wanted to see him. I needed him.
After putting my phone on the counter, I went to feed my baby boy. He was eagerly eating. My little boy is so greedy just like his daddy and looks just like him too. Sandy and Madison came into the kitchen. Maddie ran to me and hugged me tightly.
"Mommy!" she shrieked.
She was so happy to see me. I was happy that she was in a good mood. It seems like the kidnapping didn't affect her at all. I bent down to kiss her on her forehead.
"Hey, baby. You want some oatmeal?" I asked with a smile.
She smiled wide and nodded. I went to make her bowl with honey and cut up some fresh fruit just like she likes it. Sandy kissed my cheek and went to feed Aiden while I took the bowl to Maddie. We all sat at the table and talked for a while. I could tell that everyone wanted to say something to me, but they were holding back. I know it was odd seeing me like my normal self after almost two weeks of mentally checking out. They kept the conversation light and talked about fun things. Sandy got up to clean up Aiden and then turned her attention to me.
"Blaire, honey, I think you should go rest. The doctors still want you to take it easy," she said softly.
Today, I did more than I've ever done since the day Maddie was kidnapped. Since I was still on bed rest, I didn’t want anything to happen to my unborn baby.
"Okay, San," I agreed.
I kissed my children, grabbed my phone, and took my time going back upstairs. I got in bed and checked my emails. David told me the meeting was a success. He was going to give me his opinion on the investors soon. Then I called Misha to see how the Atlanta office was doing. We had a long conversation about our misunderstandings and how we hurt each other. We sincerely apologized to each other, and now our friendship and work relationship were back on track.
“You’re supposed to be resting,” she said playfully.
“I know. I’m just checking on you. I feel like I dumped everything onto your lap.”
“And I can handle it. Everything is under control. The plumbing repairs are done and I changed the locks. Artists are happy, our cybersecurity has improved, and the money is rolling in.”
“Thanks, Misha. You’re the best. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Aww, thanks. I want you to get better and take care of that baby. Don’t make me come over there and take away your laptop. Forget about work for a while and rest.”
“I will take it easy. Just call me if you need anything.”
“I won’t.” She laughed. “I’ll call you as a friend, not for work. Take care. Bye, girl.”
“Bye, Misha.” I smiled.
I got more comfortable in bed and watched tv. Then I checked my social media accounts since I had so many notifications. I saw that Profit was trending and wondered what happened now. I clicked the tag and saw that he released a statement to the public. I read it. It was a general statement that all celebrities put out when dealing with a crisis. I was just a little upset that he did this without even consulting me. He didn't even give me a heads up or anything, and that wasn't like him.
I wanted to confront him, but I wasn't going to distract him from his performance. I know I couldn't really be too mad because I'm keeping things from him too. Overall, I just didn't feel right about his decisions. I knew he wasn't in the right headspace and I wasn't too. I just had a bad feeling about his trip to New York. I hope I was wrong.