It was that weird feeling again. The feeling being of caught between the land of dreams to the land of reality. The moment when we allow the images of the night to merge with the actuality of the day. As my dreams lingered, I vaguely heard noises, but I wasn't sure if they were real. It sounded like Avery and Andrew arguing. Then I was blinded by bright lights. I went from asleep to awake in one heartbeat. My eyes lazily opened and I rubbed off the remnants of sleep. Then I felt someone roughly rocking me.
"Wake up, Blaire! We need to talk right now!" Avery barked.
I couldn't understand why would anyone disturb a pregnant lady's sleep. I yawned and slowly sat up against the headboard. I looked over at the clock on my nightstand and saw that it was only 5:48 am. I looked up at an angry Avery, trying to figure out what was his deal. He was red with anger. His posture was stiff and tense as he clenched his jaw. He was looking at me like he wanted to kill someone.
What crawled up his butt and died?
"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked groggily.
"Don't baby me, Blaire! You are going to stop lying to me starting right now," he spat.
"What? What's wrong with you?"
"Did you fu*k Aubrey?!" he yelled.
Crap! I knew I should have told him a decade ago.
"Yes. When I was 19," I whispered.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I looked down fumbling with my fingers. I really didn't want to talk about this right now. It was the least of our problems, but I didn't have a choice. I knew with the kidnapping situation, I couldn't keep anything from him anymore.
"I don't know. I was ashamed. I wanted to forget it ever happened. I was young, stupid, and naive," I admitted.
He just glared at me as if I was disgusting to him. I never wanted my husband to think of me in that way ever.
"Tell me everything!" he demanded.
"Why does it matter? I didn't know you back-"
"I just need to know."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to recall all that had happened almost 15 years ago. Then I opened my eyes to look at him again.
"I meet him at the BET awards when I was interning for Colombia records. I used to watch Degrassi so, I just wanted to meet him as a fan nothing else. He seemed nice. I saw him around a lot at different events in L.A. and he would ask me to go out with him all the time. After I finally said yes, we went skating on our first date. We hung out a lot. I thought he liked me. He took me to his place in Toronto. We had sex because he told me I was special and he loved me. Like a fool, I believed him. He went on tour and we would still talk every day and he fly me to wherever he was when he wanted to see me. Then he came back to L.A. and things changed. He was too busy to see me. It was cool because I had work and school. When I was working at another industry party, I saw him kissing another chick. I wasn't the only one, so I left him. He tried to apologize to me, but I was done. I felt stupid for thinking he cared about me. I avoided him for years. Then you two became friends. I just didn't want to acknowledge that part of my life. I am sorry that I didn't tell you. I know I should have told you a long time ago," I confessed.
It felt good to finally tell someone other than Jason, a former coworker. After breaking down in his office, I confessed to him what I went through. He comforted me and promised to keep my secret. Jade knew I went out with Drake, but I wasn't completely honest with her either. I told her it was just a short-lived fling and I was hurt that he ghosted me. Then he became the person we vowed to never bring up again.
I felt terrible for keeping things from Avery. I trust him and I could tell him almost anything but for some reason, I never told him about this. I think I was so worried about him seeing me as this weak stupid person. My fears were making things worse. I couldn't keep hiding things from him.
Avery looked upset with me. I knew he was holding back from losing it. Then I saw the hurt in his eyes and I wanted to cry.
"What have I've done to make you believe that you couldn't tell me?" he asked bitterly.
"You didn't do anything. It wasn't you. It's me... I-" I sobbed.
"Then what is it? Did you love him?"
"No! Whatever that was wasn't real. My feelings did get hurt though. I already had trust issues with Malachi running off to go marry someone else. I guess I wanted Aubrey to be that guy that changed my outlook on relationships and of course he didn't. I never wanted to date again or be in a relationship ever again. For five years straight I stayed single because I thought I didn't deserve love. I met you and you seemed so sweet but in my eyes, you were just like Aubrey. Another rapper that would just use me."
"I wouldn't have done that to you."
"Well, that's how I felt... Then things changed for me. When I went back home, I never thought I would see Malachi again. I gave him another chance. I was so worried that he was going to hurt me that I ended up hurting him by sleeping with you. It took a long time for me to forgive myself. It took even longer for me to accept that Malachi forgave me and loved me. Then he was gone leaving me with a child I didn't know if I was even strong enough to raise on my own. Then you came along and you always there for us. I fell in love with you. Even after you hurt me, I never stopped loving you. I'm begging you to try to understand me. I didn't tell you because I didn't think it mattered. I trust you. I just get so scared of how you will see me. If you knew everything about me... what I've done, I'm afraid you won't want me anymore," I said as tears flowed down my face.
He finally loosened up and sat down at the end of the bed. He was roughly rubbing his face.
"I get why you felt a certain way, but I'm your husband and your best friend. You should have told me. You should be able to tell me anything and trust that I wouldn't think any different of you. You should have told me what happened to you when Maddie was taken... All these lies and secrets, Blaire. How am I supposed to trust you?" he said, shaking his head.
I don't understand why I couldn't open up about certain things. That fact that he wasn't sure if he could trust me, hurt like hell. I began to cry even harder.
"I'm sorry, Avery. I'll tell you anything you want. I want you to trust me. I want us to work. I don't even care about the video with Anastasia. Let's put her, Aubrey, everything in the past. I'll do anything to keep us together. I love you," I begged.
I got up and was on my knees in front of him. I hoped that he could see that I meant it. I didn't want to throw away what we had.
"Come on, Blaire, get off the damn floor. You are carrying my baby," he said as he helped me up.
It became awkward as we just stared at each other in complete silence. I stood in between his legs, nervously fidgeting with my hands. Waiting for him to say anything. I needed to know that he wasn't going to give up on us. He sighed and looked me straight in my eyes.
"Tell me what happened to you when Maddie was kidnapped. I need to know everything. I need to know why you changed so drastically and suddenly. If you can't be honest with me about this, then I don't see the point of us going any further than this," he said seriously.
I didn't want to do this, but I didn't want to lose him either. I sat down next to him and gathered all of my strength to finally tell him the truth. I prayed that telling him wouldn't result in me losing my husband for good.
"I'll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone. Promise me that you won't go to the authorities. If you do he's going to hurt all of us... He will. I know," I whispered.
"Who is he? Why do you think I would let anyone hurt you or us ever again?"
"Just promise me, Av. Please," I begged.
He grabbed my hand gently. His touch instantly calmed me down.
"When I was in your car, I received a text message to go to my office or they would hurt Maddie. I was also told not to tell anyone. So, I went there. I saw Maddie tied to a chair with her head covered... It was... Henry."
"It really was him?"
I took a deep breath and held onto his hand tighter.
"Yes. He was the one that took her. He told me if I did everything he wanted, he would give her back to us unharmed. So, I agreed. He wanted money and he wanted me. I- I... let him-," I sobbed uncontrollably.
I couldn't even get it out. Just saying it dragged me back into a flashback of what happened that day. Avery pulled me closer to him, trying to calm me down. I looked up at him, afraid of his reaction.
"What did you let him do? Don't- it's not that. Please say it's not that," he said with tears in his eyes.
"He threatened to kill Maddie if I didn't let him have- have sex with me... so I did. If I tell anyone he's going to kill you and our children. I'm so sorry. I'm-," I sobbed.
He let me go and stood up. He was turning red again. His eyes were red and glossy. He was furious. I wasn't sure what he was going to do.
"F*ck! He raped you, Blaire!... He had my daughter... Why God?... Our baby... You almost died... I'm going to kill him!" he rambled like a mad man.
He punched the wall. Then he started throwing things across the room. He destroyed lamps, pictures decorations, and whatever he could get his hands on. He was screaming, cursing, and crying all at the same time. His pain was too much for me. So, I balled up on the bed, protecting my baby, my heart. I just laid there crying. I couldn't find my voice to tell him to stop or let him know how scared I was, how much pain I was in. Then Andrew, Nick, my mom, and Sandy busted into the room. Andrew and Nick grabbed Avery, stopping him from throwing anything else. Then they eventually took him out of the room.
I prayed that Aiden and Madison didn't hear any of this. My mom ran to me and placed her arms around me. She rocked me slowly. Sandy was looking over me, searching if I was hurt.
"Are you hurt? Did my son touch you?" Sandy asked angrily.
"No, he didn't touch me. He would never," I answered.
"What the hell happened, Bebe?" Mom asked.
I just shook my head and cried. I couldn't tell them. I wasn't going to bring anyone else into my mess. After a few moments, I got myself together so I could respond.
"We had a disagreement," I lied.
"No! This is unacceptable. You and the kids are not staying here with him acting like that," Mom spat.
I thought Sandy was going to be offended, but she nodded in agreement.
"Yes. Maybe you two need a break from each other," Sandy agreed.
A break might be the best thing for a while. Even though everything went downhill, I was really worried about Avery. I knew his burst of anger wasn't because of my past relationship with Aubrey, it all boiled down to that he knew something terrible happened to me and I didn't tell him until it was almost too late. He's so hurt and upset. I didn't know what to do to take that pain away. I prayed and hoped he wouldn't do anything stupid.
"We can take a break or whatever. He's still my husband and I love him. I just need to know if he's okay... Can you see if he's okay, San?" I said.
She got up and left. My mom went and got me some shoes and a robe to put on. It was broken glass everywhere. My bedroom looked like a tornado had hit it.
"Well, you're not staying in this room. You don't need this stress with your pregnancy," she said, rummaging through my dresser.
"I know, mom," I sniffled.
"He lost his damn mind, talking to my child like that. Thank God, he didn't wake up my grandbabies," she said more to herself than me.
My mom packed a bag for me and helped me downstairs. She called my dad still upset and told him to come over. I knew that was only going to make things worse. If my brothers found out, it was going to be a war. I didn't need that right now.
I went to the kitchen to make myself some tea to calm down. I heard some arguing and looked out the window. I saw Avery arguing with his mother and Andrew. I didn't see Nick so I wasn't sure if he was back in the house or not. Andrew was trying to keep Avery from leaving. I went outside, hoping I could help him to calm down.
"Avery!" I called.
He stopped trying to fight Andrew and looked at me. I cautiously approached him.
"Please stop this and calm down. You need to get some rest. I know you are exhausted. I'll leave if you don't want me here," I said calmly.
"You are carrying my child. I would never put you out... Get back in the house, Blaire," he ordered
"I will if you come with me."
"Blaire, I need you to go back inside, please... I- I just can't be here. You don't need me... Not like this."
"Okay, but let Drew or Nick drive you to wherever you want to go, so I won't have to worry as much."
He handed his keys to Drew and got in the Range Rover. Drew got in and started the car and sped off. I had this aching feeling in my heart as I watched them leave. It felt like I wasn't going to see Avery anytime soon. Sandy came over to me as hugged me.
"Let's get inside. You need to rest... I'll bring you something to eat," she said.
"Okay," I mumbled.
I went to the theater not sure where else to go since all my guest rooms were taken at the moment. It was still early and I didn't want to wake my kids. I grabbed a blanket and cuddled up in the oversized comfy chair. I knew I needed to calm down. My baby growing inside of me didn't deserve any harm from all of this stress. I gently rubbed my belly, doing all the breathing techniques my doctor recommended to reduce stress and anxiety. I guess it worked because I felt much calmer. Then I thought about how messed up things were now. I wasn't sure if I was going to have a marriage anymore after this.