My body felt sore all over. I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping that it would take away some of the pain. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep on the ride to the hospital, but the EMT kept telling me to stay up. She was afraid that I had a concussion. I knew that most likely wasn't the case since my head was throbbing like it never did before. He pulled my hair harshly, but I don't recall him ever hitting me in the head. My stomach was in much more pain. I thought about my fall and I didn't realize how bad it was until now. I was concerned about my baby but having Avery finally at my side was somewhat calming.
Once we arrived at the hospital, calmness escaped me. The pain was getting more intense. I knew the stress of my dealings with Henry had affected the baby. I just had this gnawing feeling that something was wrong. The way my life has been going I had to prepare myself for the worst outcome. Even though I hoped that my baby was just fine, I knew there was a high possibility that wasn't going to be the case.
I went to triage and the nurse checked my vitals. He asked me if I was in any pain. I told him that I was and he told me the doctor would be with me shortly. My husband and I waited quietly for the doctor to come in. I guess we were both afraid to say anything to each other. The last few days have been extremely intense and filled with high emotions. I wasn't sure about us and where we stood anymore. We had too many things stacked up against us. I knew he didn't trust me anymore and that was our main issue.
Then his phone rang. He stood up and left without a word. I laid on the bed and tried to close my eyes, but when I did all I saw was Henry's dead body. I could never forget him laying there in my bedroom. I never wanted to go back there. All the beautiful memories at my home were now wiped out because of him. The tears began to flow as I thought about everything that happened.
Then I noticed Dr. Andrews come in. She immediately hugged me. I felt some comfort from her embrace. She pulled away and I wiped my tears. It took her a few minutes to compose herself while the tears continued to flow down my face.
"Let's check on that baby," she said with a faint smile.
"Can we please wait for my husband?" I asked softly.
"Sure," she said getting up.
She grabbed some tissue and handed them to me. I wiped my face, but it was almost useless. The tears wouldn't stop. Then my husband walked in with worry written all over his face. He sat next to me and grabbed my hand. He gently pulled my hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss. Then he kissed my tear-stained cheek. Dr. Andrews said something and I took my eyes off of him to focus on her. She had the gel and ultrasound probe ready, so I laid back.
"Can you lift your shirt?" she asked.
I nodded my head and slowly lifted my shirt. She winced a bit.
"Are you in pain?" she asked.
"Yes. My stomach and head hurt," I answered.
"I'll be gentle, okay?" she said as she typed away on the computer.
I've never feared an ultrasound like this ever in my life. I just wasn't sure if my baby was alive or not. Then she gently rubbed the warm gel across my lower belly and placed the probe there. She moved it around as she concentrated on the screen. She looked at me then back at the screen.
"I think... I think he or she is hiding from me," she hesitated.
She continued to look for the baby. I knew at the moment that my baby was gone. I had too many ultrasounds and I always saw the baby and heard the heartbeat almost immediately.
"Here it is. Umm-," she started.
I was almost excited until I noticed that something was off on the screen. There was no movement. Dr. Andrews' solemn expression confirmed it for me.
"I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat," she said softly.
I covered my face and sobbed loudly. Avery rubbed my arms trying to calm me down. My body shook as I wailed. I was so hurt, sad, and angry. I felt so guilty and so worthless. I lost two babies! Two! Not because I was sick and had medical issues. It was because of the stress I endured from being physically, mentally, and emotionally tortured by Henry Davidson. I'm so happy I killed that bastard. He didn't deserve to live. All he has ever done was cause me pain.
"I'm going to give you two some space," she said solemnly.
She quietly left us alone. Avery pulled me into his arms. I felt his tears. I knew he was hurting too. He wanted this baby so bad. I wanted this baby desperately. My heart was broken. I felt pain, so much raw pain, and I cried harder than I have ever imagined. Then I sat up and hugged him tighter. I placed my arms around his neck. I just needed him close to me.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Ave," I sobbed onto his shoulder.
I hated how everything went so wrong for us all the time. I felt like all of this was my fault.
"It's okay. We are going to get through this, Honey Bee. We can try again and have another baby later," he whispered.
"I don't want another baby. I want my two babies," I bawled.
"I know, baby. I know," he whispered as he held me tighter.
I didn't know what else to say or do. So I just cried in his arms. He pulled away to grab some tissue to wipe our faces. As I was wiping my tears there was a knock at the door. Avery told the person to come in. Dr. Andrews cautiously walked in. She gave us her condolences. She told me to expect vaginal bleeding for up to two weeks and lower abdominal cramps for a few days. She also told me to seek out counseling and support groups. Then she asked Avery to leave for a few moments. He left quietly. I was a little nervous as she sat next to me.
"I was informed that you were attacked. I'm so sorry to hear that. I just want you to know that you are so strong... I'm here for you. None of this is your fault. If you want to have another baby you can. I recommend trying again in three to six months," she said.
"Thank you... I'm not sure if I want to try. I can't go through this again," I sniffled.
"It's perfectly normal to feel that way. You went through very stressful and emotionally draining situations. Your body can grow another healthy baby. Don't give up," she said as she stood up.
She went to open the door so my husband could come back in. He came in and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my forehead. I gave him a faint smile and gestured for him to sit down. She sat back down across from us.
"If you don't have any more questions. I'm going to send a doctor over to get your other injuries checked out. I advise that you stay tonight so we can monitor you," she said.
I didn't have any other questions. I looked over at Avery. He seemed as if he had a lot on his mind.
"We can try again, right?" he asked cautiously.
"Yes. I recommend waiting at least three months. With everything your wife has been through she needs some time to emotionally heal," she replied.
He nodded at her. She gave us both a hug before leaving. Another doctor came in soon after with a nurse. I couldn't catch his name. The doctor checked my vitals. He said I was fine. Just some bruises and scratches. He gave me some painkillers for my headache. The nurse cleaned and bandaged up my scratches. Then I was sent to a private room away from everyone.
As I laid in the bed, Ave was looking out the window. He looked exhausted and broken. It hurt so much to see him like that.
"Baby, come get in the bed with me," I begged.
He turned to look at me, but he never moved. Then he looked back out the window.
"You should see all the news vans and paparazzi outside... Why can't they let us fu*king let us live in peace? I damn near lost everything and all they care about is a fu*king story!" he spat.
He needed to relax and not worry about that. I knew that we would be a hot topic when I saw all those people surrounding our house. That was the least of our problems. I didn't care about the media at all. All I cared about was my husband and children Avery was hurt and angry. His pain was my pain. We shared everything, our vulnerabilities, hearts, souls. I just wanted to shelter him from his pain.
"Ave, don't worry about that. You are exhausted and you need to rest. Just lay with me, okay?”
He slowly walked toward me. He bent down and kissed me on my forehead.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"It's okay. I'm tired. I know you are exhausted. Let's sleep.”
He got in the bed behind me placing his hands where my twins should have been growing, living, thriving. I had so many hopes and dreams for them. Now they were gone. I silently cried as I thought about my babies and what it would have been like to see their faces and watch them grow up. I wondered if they were girls or boys. Would they look like me or Avery? Or maybe Aiden? What their personalities would be like?
"Blaire," he called, interrupting my thoughts.
"Yes," I whimpered.
I didn't even realize how hard I was crying. He gently wiped my tears and pulled me in even closer to his chest.
"You know I love you. And I'm sorry about everything I said and did to hurt you," he whispered in my ear.
"I know. I love you too," I said, closing my eyes.
I was tired. I didn't think it was the right time to have that conversation. I felt him kiss my neck. I snuggled up even closer to him and fell asleep.
The sound of a phone ringing woke me up. The sun was shining bright making me quickly rub my eyes to adjust. Then Avery got up to get his phone. I thought about my phone and had no clue where it was. He stepped away, but I could still hear him.
"Hello... No... Okay... Shit!!... Naw that ain't cool... I'm on my way," he said bitterly.
I didn't know what that phone call was about, but he didn't look happy about it. He looked through his phone for a few minutes then he walked back over to me.
"I got to take care of something. I'll be back. Your mom and dad just told me that they are here with the kids," he said.
"Okay, but what's so important that you have to leave right now? I just lost our baby, Avery. I need you right now," I begged.
"Baby, I know. I really have to take care of this. I’ll be back.”
I really couldn't believe he was trying to leave. After everything that happened, I didn't understand why he thought that anything else was more important than us. I didn't think I was being selfish or unreasonable.
"There you go always putting your career before me and your kids," I snapped.
"Damn it, Blaire! It's not even like that... I'm leaving for us. And I'll be right back.” He ended much calmer than he started.
"Bye, Profit," I scoffed.
He opened his mouth to say something but closed it and walked away.
"I love you," he said as he walked out the door.
I just watched him silently. After he was out of my sight, I went to the bathroom. I noticed I started bleeding and called for the nurse. She came in and helped me get some pads. Then she helped me get into bed. Dr. Andrews came back in to check on me.
“Hi. How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Sore. Tired.” I shrugged.
"I can give you something for the pain. It seems that your body has started the process naturally," she offered.
"Yeah, but I'm okay. I don't think I need any more meds.”
"Okay. Let me know if you need anything. I'll come and check on you in a few hours," she said before leaving.
After she left, I felt tired more than anything. I dozed off and then the painful cramps woke me up. It was intense. It was almost worse than labor. I could barely stand up because of the pain. I regretted not getting something stronger. I tried to hide the pain that was more than physical by masking the truth with an aloof demeanor. Honestly, I was in a dark place searching for light. My light wasn’t here. I hated that Avery was gone. I didn't want to go through this alone.