It didn't feel real. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare, hoping that someone would just come and wake me up. It wasn't a bad dream, this was my reality. I was sitting on my couch waiting for this to be over with. I don't even know how it came to this.
What am I doing? I can take him out. I did it before. If I do that to him would he hurt my baby? My Maddie. She can't suffer anymore.
Henry placed his hand on my arm and bought me out of my thoughts. I came to terms that this was real and I just cried. I was becoming hysterical. I thought I was going to pass out.
"She's safe. So, you don't have to worry anymore," he whispered
He sat close to me, his cold fingers twirled in my hair. He kissed my cheek and a slither of his tongue on my skin. I flinched and pulled away from him immediately.
"I'll be gentle... I always liked you. Cared about you. I wish you would have given me a chance. I would have been good to you," he said.
"You were married with a family. I don't mess with married men," I snapped.
His jaw ticked and I could see he was trying to mask his irritation. He stood up and went to my desk. He grabbed what looked like his tie and a condom. That's when it became even more real that he was really about to do this to me. I cried even more. He slowly came toward me. He bent down in front of me.
"You said you would do this so stop crying, please. I won't cause you any pain. I'm going to make you feel good," he said gently.
He grabbed my hands and placed them together. Then he bound them together with the tie.
"Just taking precaution. You have a really good right hook I recall," he joked.
I didn't understand how he could joke about this. He was so sick. I just wanted to die. I hoped that I could plead or beg him to stop or offer him something else.
"Henry, please. Don't do this. I'll give you more money. Anything else but this," I begged.
"You don't get it. It was never about the money. All I wanted was you. All those nights I dreamt about you. You don't know how badly I wanted you. How I plotted and schemed for this moment. Now I finally have you," he said.
He began taking off his coat and that was when I saw the gun. I began to panic even more. I realized there was nothing I could do. I bawled so hard that my head was pounding. I closed my eyes in defeat. I rather scratch my eyes than watch his face light up with power and lust. So I never opened them again. I had to think about something else to get through this. Escape to times when I was happy and safe. I thought about my daughter and how she was going to be okay.
I felt him hover over me and place my arms above my head. The cold metal of gun against the temple of my head. I felt him kiss me on my lips. His coarse stubble rubbed against my cheek as he whispered words that could never be eradicated from my mind. I turned away from him. His touch was so violating, so repulsive that it physically hurt being stabbed with million knives. Then his hand traveled down to my stomach. I started to squirm and move away from him. I didn't want him to touch where my babies were. I didn't want him to hurt them. His hand pulled away instantly.
"Sorry," he said.
I couldn't understand how he could apologize for that, but had no problem forcing himself on me. He pulled down my skirt and panties all at once. I laid there exposed and scared out of my mind. I was tired of this torture of wondering what he was going to do. I was praying for a miracle for someone to come help me. I was never one to blame God for anything bad. God didn't do bad and evil things, people did. I was praying that God would help me. That someone would help me.
"Please don't do this. You are better than this, please... Please, I'm begging you... Please, God, help me," I cried out.
I felt more pressure from the cold metal on the side of my forehead.
"Shut up! God himself couldn't stop me from getting what I want!" he seethed.
The words struggled to escape my throat escape, the word to call him what he truly is, a sick evil demon. Just like my words had no escape neither did I. I hoped he wouldn't hurt my babies. I closed my eyes tighter. I heard the zipper of his pants and I couldn't move. I was too exhausted at this point to do anything. I had no fight left in me.
He continued to violate me with his kisses and touches all over my body. I stiffened up when I felt him near me and I screamed out in pain. I sobbed uncontrollably. All I felt was pain, disgust, and hate. I felt hatred toward myself for even agreeing to do this. I just went numb, my mind went blank. I don't even know how long it lasted. Once he was done, he got off of me and smiled. He stood up and pulled his pants. He put on his coat and place the gun back in his pants.
"That was worth the wait. Everything I imagined it would be. The best I've ever had... Now you can go home to your child. Remember if you say anything to anyone, I'll kill your entire family and make you watch," he threatened.
"Just leave me alone!" I screamed.
"Okay, Blaire. It's going to be hard. God, I like you." He laughed.
He came closer to me and I thought he was going to hit me, but he untied my hands instead.
"Aww, don't be so mean. I'm not that bad, right? I kept my promise. I didn't hurt your daughter or you." He grinned.
I wanted to hit him, make him hurt just as much as I did, but I was afraid of what he might do next. He was hot cold. Nice one moment, violent the next. He was all revenge and retaliation and there was no doubt he would kill me for any reason he deemed worthy.
His phone rang and I used the distraction to get the hell out of there. I quickly pulled up my panties and skirt. I grabbed my phone and keys and ran out of there not caring that I left the building wide open. It could burn for all I cared. I got in the truck and drove off. I wasn't far from home, about a twenty-minute drive.
There was so much more to survival. It was more than the physical wounds healing. I did what I thought I needed to do for my daughter through tears and pain, my mind was shattered and I don't think I could ever be forgiven for my betrayal. I felt so dirty, nasty, dumb, guilty, worthless, and humiliated. I felt stupid for not fighting him. I should have fought him. I shouldn't have gone there alone. I should have listened to my gut, my common sense to know this was going to be terrible. The worst thing I ever experienced in my life. Then I thought about all the worst scenarios.
What if he lied to me? What if my daughter wasn't safe? What if he hurt my babies inside of me? Did he give me something? Would he come back and hurt me again? Hurt us again? Was it even worth it?
I was so lost in that nightmare of what just happened; the pain, fear, hurt, doubt, and guilt. When my phone was rung, I jumped and swerved into another lane. I quickly got back in my lane, thankful that no one was there. I glanced at my phone and saw it was Avery who was calling me. I answered trying my best not to break down and start crying again.
"Baby, we have her! We have Maddie. She's safe," he said with excitement in his voice.
I instantly felt relieved to know that my little girl was okay. I felt the tears fall down my face again. I was surprised I had any left.
"She's okay? They didn't touch her?" I asked worriedly.
"Doesn't look like it. She's very tired. I think they gave her something to make her sleep. We are in the police car on our way to the hospital to make sure everything is okay. Are you okay? Are you home yet?"
I wasn't okay. I never felt so terrible in my life. The silent tears continued to run down my cheeks.
"Blaire? Baby are you there?" he asked.
I could hear the worry in his voice. It made me feel guilty. I asked myself so many times if it was rape since I agreed to it and I didn't fight. Did I have other options? Could it have been avoided?
Ultimately, I felt like it was my fault that all this happened. My ambition to be successful made me stay and continue to work for Henry when I knew I should have left. I endured his harassment until it escalated. Then I put him in jail and he took out his anger and built-up resentment on me and my family.
"I'm almost there. I'm on our street."
"Okay, good. Nick is waiting outside for you. Once we get to the hospital and settled I'll have Nick bring you. So, go eat something. I know you haven't eaten anything all day. And I want you to lay down for a while. I love you."
"I'm sorry," I sobbed.
"There's nothing to be sorry about. This wasn't your fault. Please don't cry," he said gently.
He didn't know that this was my fault. My choices back then and now caused us all this suffering.
"I'm home. I have to go," I croaked.
I pulled up to or driveway. I noticed Nick's car parked out front. He got out of the car. The garage door opened and I pulled in. I turned off the car and he followed right behind me.
"Are you okay, Blaire?" he asked.
I didn't feel like talking but I didn't want to be rude Nick.
"I'm tired," I whispered.
He nodded and went into the kitchen. I went straight upstairs to my bathroom. I quickly took my clothes off and threw them in the trash. I didn't want anything to remind me of today.
I got in the warm shower and tried to scrub him off of me, his touch, sweat. Everywhere he touched, I washed and scrubbed frantically. I wanted to become clean. I needed to feel clean. It didn't matter how much I scrubbed and washed I still felt like a dirty, nasty whore. I scrubbed harder until my skin was burning, red, and almost raw. Every time I closed my eyes it took me back to the feeling of being ripped, destroyed and I scrubbed again.
Everything on my body hurt. I was tired- no more exhausted than I ever been in my life. I slid down to the shower floor and crawled up in the corner, violently rocking myself back and forth as if the sheer force could erase every memory. I sobbed hysterically as the warm stream of water beat on my body. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't live with what I have done.
I heard knocking and Nick calling for me, but I couldn't respond or move. I didn't have the energy to do anything.
"Blaire. Are you okay!?" he yelled.
I heard him call for me over and over as he banged on the door. Then I couldn't hear it anymore. My body went limp and my sight became dim. Then everything went dark.
If you’ve experienced sexual assault please report it and talk to someone.
National Sexual Assault Hotline