It's been over a week since I've been home and it's been really hard for me. I've been put on bed rest until further notice for the baby and so far the baby is doing well. So, I just lay here day after day, left to deal with everything. The violent memories imprinted on my mind, the pain that makes it feel me struggle to breathe. It nearly kills me every day. Slowly taking away what was once my inner light, leaving nothing but darkness.
In an attempt to block out those feelings, I tried to turn to work to help. Avery wouldn't let me do anything, not even work in bed on my laptop. I argued that working would be a good distraction and help me cope, but countered that work created stress and it wasn't good for the baby and me. Since I couldn't disagree with him, I just sit in this bed and watch tv or read. I sleep a lot too. My family and friends came to visit a lot when I first got home, but I really didn't feel like talking to anyone. I was tired of them looking at me with pity or trying to get me to talk about where I was when Maddie was missing. I guess I was too miserable to be around so their visits were becoming shorter and shorter.
The last two days no one has come to see me except my mom. I was okay with it. I honestly just want to be left alone. The loneliness felt more like solitude and a way to cope. The downside to being alone was I barely saw my kids and husband. Avery didn't sleep in our bed because it made me uncomfortable. He didn't talk to me often either. I know it's because of how I treated him. The more he pushes me to talk about that day, the more I push him away.
He started to become cold and distant. When I tried to talk to him about anything else, he blows me off. He told me when I'm ready to stop lying to him we'll talk. I wasn't lying to him. I was withholding information to protect him and our family. I hated that he couldn't understand that. It hurts so much. Not only did I lose my baby, I feel like I'm losing my husband too. I'm torn. I don't know what to do to get him back. I know it seems simple to just tell my husband that I unwillingly agreed to let Henry have sex with me to get my daughter back, but I can't.
Though it felt like I was raped, I can't even tell him that because I agreed to do it. I said yes immediately to save my child. I know I'm acting unlike myself because I feel guilty and less than dirt. I fear that Avery won't want me anymore. He will resent and hate me if he knew my actions caused us to lose one of our babies. I couldn't live with him hating and not wanting me. I couldn't live with Henry hurting my family either. I'm scared out of my mind. I just have this feeling that Henry wouldn't leave me alone. Henry is crazy and I know he'll try something if I don't keep my mouth shut.
I was already feeling guilty, now I felt lonely. Avery hasn't even stepped foot into our bedroom for three days straight. He was deliberately avoiding me. He made sure that I was well taken care of though. He hired a nurse and caregiver, Sky, to help me. Sky usually gets my meals or anything else I need. She's a heavyset woman in her late forties with smooth sepia brown skin and kind brown eyes. She's nice but a bit pushy. She talks to me like I'm family and I liked that about her. She came in with some food and drinks. She placed the tray on my lap. I wasn't hungry, but I needed to eat for my baby.
"Morning, Blaire. You are looking alive today. That baby is giving you a good glow now," she said with a smile.
"Thank you," I said, pushing the food back and forth on the plate.
"Oh, no." She frowned and shook her head. "You have to eat. You eating for two now. I'll be back in a few. That plate better be cleared. I know you like my cooking, baby. Your lil ones do too."
She's an amazing cook and it did smell good. I took a bite of home fried potatoes. It tasted great as usual.
"It's always good, but my appetite hasn't been the same lately." I sighed.
"I know. You'll get through this."
She patted my shoulder and left. I ate as much as I could and placed the tray on my nightstand. I turned on the tv and watched reruns of Living Single. Then my nurse, Andria, stopped by. She usually checks my vitals and the baby. She's young and fun. She's upbeat and positive. I really needed her vibes. I could barely find anything to be positive about lately. I think my baby is the only thing keeping me from giving up entirely.
After she left, I was sitting alone in silence. I hoped that Avery would come and say hello at least. The only person that I talked to regularly was my bestie, Jade. She calls or texts me all day to check up on me. She usually keeps our conversations light and upbeat. She talks about her job, her son, or her crazy in-laws. I noticed my phone ringing and it was her again.
"Hey, baby mama," she said cheerfully.
It was nice to hear her voice and it put me in a better mood.
"Hey, Jadypooh." I smiled.
"You sound good. How are my babies doing?"
"Everyone seems to be doing good. Well, except me and maybe my marriage. I really think Avery is going to leave me. I haven't seen him in three days and he won't even try to talk to me," I confessed.
"Just tell him the truth. He's a man and all he wants to do is protect his family. With you not telling him what happened, it makes him think he can't protect you and you don't trust him. We all know something happened. The person that took Maddie has you acting crazy. You are not yourself at all. I'm your best friend and I'm hurt that you don't feel like you can tell me, so just imagine how your husband feels."
"I just don't want to talk about it, okay? All that matters is that Madison is okay and safe. I don't understand why none of you will just let me be," I said, raising my voice a bit.
"Well, I'm sorry for caring about you."
"And I appreciate you and everyone. I wish you and everyone else would just let me deal with it the best way I know how."
"Well, your way isn't working. If you don't change this type of thinking you are going to lose him and everyone else. Just tell him something. You don't have to go into detail. Honestly, I think the person has something really bad on you. It's better to just put it out there instead of living like this. I know you and I doubt if it's that bad anyway. If you cheated on Avery, oh well. That nigga cheated on you and embarrassed you in front of the whole world and had everyone on social media coming for you. So, y'all even now in my book... I know what's going on Twitter right now is bothering you too."
"If you really thought- you know what? It doesn't even matter. Bye, Jade," I scoffed.
I hung up in her face. Jade thought that I would cheat on my husband and that pissed me off. I only did what I did for my child. I would never cheat on him. I turned my phone off because my head started to hurt. I couldn't be stressed right now. I knew I had to calm down for my baby. So, I turned on the tv to watch old black and white movies and get my mind off of everything.
Avery walked in without even looking at me. He acted as if I wasn't even here. He went straight to his walk-in closet. Then he came out with a suitcase and a few suits.
"Av, where are you going?" I asked.
"I have a few interviews to do and clubs promos to do. I'm about to drop my single soon," he said, never looking at me.
"You said you weren't going to release any music or tour until the baby comes."
"This is what I need to do for me. I can't stay in this house. I can't take that you don't trust me," he said, giving me a harsh look.
"Avery, please. You know it's hard- I can't talk about it."
"No, you won't talk about it. How am I supposed to feel, Blaire? I feel like I have a lying wife that doesn't want anything to do with me. Doesn't even let me touch her," he spat.
I sat up and tried to get up to go to him but I was still fatigued and sore. I didn't care how bad I was feeling. I was desperate to have him just look at me.
"Kiss me, touch me. Do anything you want," I begged.
"Naw. So you can flinch and shut down on me? I'm tired of this. You are my wife. I don't know what happened between us that you can't even be honest with me. That you can't trust me. No matter what happened I'm not going to get upset. I just want to know so I can help you."
I began to cry. My worst fear was coming true. He was slipping away from me.
"I made a deal with the devil," I mumbled.
"What are you talking about Blaire? Just talk to me please," he begged.
"I can't... I love you too much. Avery, just let this go. I promise I'll work on me and us," I cried.
He rubbed his face harshly in frustration. I knew he was trying his hardest not to cuss me out.
"I know that you know who fu*king took my daughter, but you won't tell me! Why are you protecting them, Blaire?! What do they have on you? What did they do to you? Why are you so scared?" he yelled.
I looked down at my hands and fumbled with my fingers, a nervous tick of mine. I didn't dare look at him. I didn't want to see his anger.
"Fu*king answer me Blaire!" he yelled again.
Before I could respond, I saw Maddie in the doorway. She came into our room very distraught. She ran to me and hugged me.
"Daddy, stop yelling at mommy," she begged.
I quickly wiped my tears. I didn't want my children to ever see us at odds. We didn't fight or argue much since we got back together. Now it seems like that's all we do. I felt guilty because this was my fault.
"It's okay, baby. Daddy is just a little upset. I'm fine. He's fine. Go back downstairs with grandma and Nick," I said.
I kissed her cheek. Avery apologized to her and kissed her too. Then she left the room in a better mood. He closed the door behind her and stood at the foot of the bed.
"This isn't over. I'll be back in a week, maybe," he said.
"Avery, please stay. I need you. The kids need you. We just lost a child. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. I don't want to lose you or my family. It would kill me if something happened to you all," I pleaded.
He paced back and forth for a few minutes. Then he sat on his side of the bed for the first time in a week.
"You have to tell me something, okay? One thing I need to know and I'll drop it for now. I need you to tell me the truth, okay?" he asked.
"Okay." I nodded.
"Did they hurt you?" he asked.
I took a long pause. He leaned on closer to looked me in my eyes. I guess he was searching for the truth. I realized I had to tell him the truth. I knew if I didn't I was going to lose him.
"Yes," I whispered.
I closed my eyes, ashamed to even look at him. Then a flashback of Henry touching made me open them again I focused on Avery to get those haunting thoughts out of my head. He looked at me for a few minutes then he got up again. He grabbed his suitcase and left without another word. I wasn't sure if he was coming back. I wasn't sure about anything anymore.