“Mum? If I were to have a choice mate, would you be okay with it?” I asked her.
“No, I wouldn’t, so be patient and wait. You should listen to me for once in your life and wait. You’re still twenty-two, so you’ve got time,” she said coldly.
“Mum, I am a good kid and you know it. And I always listen to you,” I said, hurt by my mother’s behaviour towards me.
“If you were a good kid, a nine year old boy would have lived to see thirteen!” She yelled and I froze.
How could I have forgotten this?
Was I a horrible person for not remembering this?
It happened eight years ago, but I’ve still got that little boy’s blood in my hands.
“M-mum...” I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“You forgot didn’t you?” She said laughing humourlessly.
“I’m s-so sorry mum. I didn’t know, I-I-”
“Don’t, just don’t! You say you’re a good kid, but you’re not! You have no right to say you are. You didn’t listen to me that day when I told you not to go out with your human friends since they were no good. You didn’t listen to me when I told you not leave Connor and Shawn on their own. You didn’t listen to me when I told you not to take drugs. I’ve told you to do and not to do so many things had you know what you answer was?” She asked.
“Whatever mum,” I replied.
“Exactly! Amanda, I lost my best friend because of you!” She yelled, tears streaming down her face.
“Mum, I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
“Sorry isn’t going to bring anyone back, it’s just going to bring back bad memories. Crying isn’t going to make me forgive you, it’s just going to mess us your face. Begging isn’t going to help, it’s just going to make you seem weak,” she recited grandpa’s words.
“I was young and stupid, you can’t still blame me,” I said shakily.
“Yes, I can and I will because what you did is unforgivable!” She yelled.
“It wasn’t me who grabbed the knife and stabbed him in the heart!” I yelled back.
Connor and dad were standing in the corner not wanting to interrupt us.
“No, but it was you who left the marijuana on your bedroom counter. It was you who made cigarettes out of it! It was you who smoked in front of him! It was you who left the knife on the counter! So it was you who caused Shawn to unknowingly take his own life!” She screamed.
“P-please mum, p-please forgive me?” I begged, my lower lip trembling.
“No! Amanda, you’re a disappointment and I wish I never had you as a daughter. I want you out of this house, now!” She said.
Not wanting to continue fighting in front of Connor, I nodded and slowly started walking past Connor and dad.
“Amanda Kingston, I don’t want you in her any longer, so hurry the hell up and leave my house!” She screamed.
I said a quick goodbye to Connor and as my shoulders kept shaking with tears, I went to the one person I knew would be able to help me. I’d never told anyone about what had happened to Shawn Jackson. I thought my mother had made peace with it, but I guess she hadn’t.
I knocked on Asher’s door and when he opened it and buried my head in his chest, messing up his shirt with tears. He rubbed my back awkwardly, but still comfortingly. Asher wasn’t good with crying girls. He never knew what to do, but he always showed that he cared.
“Please don’t cry, it’s okay,” he said, patting my head like a dog.
I don’t know why, but that made me cry harder.
“Great, way to go Asher, now she’s crying even harder,” he reprimanded himself quietly.
He carried my to the couch in front of the TV and out on one of my favourite shows. He was trying to distract me and it worked because my tears subsided and I laughed a bit when a joke was cracked and I heard Asher let out a sigh of relief.
“Do you want to talk about it,” he asked softly.
“No,” I say, sniffling.
I looked up at Asher who was clearly worried about me and I wiped my tears off and straddled him, giving him a smile.
He pecked my lips, but I deepened the kiss and gripped him his hair. I started unbuttoning his shirt but he stopped me and looked into my eyes.
“Amanda, as much as I’d love to do this, I can’t. You’re feeling sad and maybe angry and you’re not in the right state of mind,” he said.
“Please, Asher. I want to forget what I’m feeling. Please,” I begged him.
He looked at me again before his lips were on mine again. He did just as I’d asked and made me forget what I was feeling.
The anger was consuming me.
The guilt eating me up.
The pain was destroying me.
But now, the pleasure was curing me, even if it was just momentarily.
Two days later
When I told Asher what had happened with eight years ago, he wasn’t mad at me like I thought he’d be. He didn’t hate me, instead, he showed me even more love.
Asher has been my rock for the last few days. I’m still filled with guilt and Asher understands that. Connor is still so sad about what happened and I know he’s also filled with guilt. When Shawn died, I took all the blame, though it wasn’t. Connor had done something too. Something terrible. He didn’t know and he was just a poor little kid, so I took all the blame for him.
I wasn’t the one who left a knife out in the open.
I wasn’t the one who put in a show on how to perform illusions with knives.
I wasn’t the one who encouraged Shawn to try it.
In wasn’t the one who did any of that.
I let all this guilt eat me up because if I had just stayed home that night, Shawn would still be alive. I could still have my friends. Mum would still love me and would still have her friends. But Asher tells me to think of it another way.
He says that it was me at to happen so that we could meet. It was meant to happen because I was supposed to be made a commander and be well respect not only in the pack, bit in the entire werewolf society. He’s so wise, don’t you think?
Also, Asher and I are now dating. We decided that since his parents would be against this, we should keep it a secret and I agreed.
I was starting a new chapter of my life with Asher.
I just wish I knew how it ended.